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Original poster

Nanny forced into proxy parenting!

35 replies

JarvisCockerSpaniel · 17/04/2015 14:32

I KNOW I'm not being unreasonable but still don't know what to bloody do about it.

I have worked in this job for a year. Mostly there are no issues but the hours can go very late at night quite regularly and as I am working for a single parent family where the mum goes away with her work about every two months, often give up weekends or entire week nights at short notice.

I was told (yes told) on Monday by my boss that she will be going away on buisness on Thursday morning for a week so would need to move in. I don't live in but barely get any time at home during the week anyway.

My charge (10) is on Easter holidays and has been since March 24th- not at school until Wednesday. Of course we've been doing lots of fun stuff together, zoos, shows, picnics etc but this has meant a month of 12-15 hour days for me, and it's been tiring.

So, tonight she was meant to have a sleepover at her freind's (who has stayed with us twice this week and has been on outings with us too) I cannot tell you how much I was looking forward to a night and morning off. I wanted to see my boyfriend, drink some wine, see my friends for brunch tomorrow (didn't have to pick up till 12)

Sleepover cancelled. No other alternative but to cancel all my plans. Am so disappointed. Won't get another break until Wednesday when she's at school, and no day off now until the 25th. I could cry.

I feel like I have been forced to be a full time parent and I've not even had children! My evening in ruins as no one to take 'my' DC!
Please don't think I don't have a good relationship with the girl I look after. I do, and am very dedicated when I am with her, it's not her fault.

But, but! I want some of my life back.

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 17/04/2015 14:35

So why don't you say 'no can do - I need more notice than that and have other plans'

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 17/04/2015 14:38

What are your actual contracted hours? I hope you are being paid for anything extra!

Original poster
JarvisCockerSpaniel · 17/04/2015 14:40

I don't know. Am an idiot as am assertive in other areas of my life but I suppose I wanted to appear flexible and reliable at first but then it snowballed and I ended up doing so much. She never asks beforehand now- will just go ahead and book her flights.

OP posts:
Original poster
JarvisCockerSpaniel · 17/04/2015 14:41

I am paid hourly- so yes I am paid for all this and at first I enjoyed the extra money but would rather be cash-poor and time-rich at the moment!

OP posts:
Wineandrosesagain · 17/04/2015 14:48

She is seriously taking the piss. I would be having a conversation with her re working such long hours, additional pay and importantly needing notice of any trips so that you can advise if you already have plans and therefore can't provide overnight and weekend cover. I would also be looking for another job.

Wineandrosesagain · 17/04/2015 14:49

Does the DC have a father that can look after her sometimes?

Original poster
JarvisCockerSpaniel · 17/04/2015 14:50

wine her Dad lives in Australia, where she's from. Just the mum and DC over here so no other family around to help.

OP posts:
TheCrimsonHorror · 17/04/2015 14:51

I used to work as a Nanny and had the parents constantly moving hours and expecting me to fall in to line. You see they were busy and important and sure what else would I be doing? Hmm

You need to have a few birthday parties, hen weekends, weddings, weekends away, concerts etc to pretend to go to and then act sad that you can't help more but you have hotels booked, tickets bought etc. already and you can't drop out.

I also faked an evening class which came in handy as I had exams to study for and weekend classes too.

Yes it's OTT but if I tried to explain that I didn't want to look after their child 70 hours per week they would get very confrontational.

I stopped working for them in the end purely down to their grabby behaviour. The money they were offering couldn't make up for the fact that I had no life. I kept in contact with their new nanny and she is working 70 hours per week and is on hand to work 24 hours a day when they go on foreign trips for work. It suits her, I couldn't do it.

Comingoutofhibernation · 17/04/2015 14:53

I think it is time for a serious chat with the DC's Mum. You are being massively taken advantage of, and that is not fair.

Original poster
JarvisCockerSpaniel · 17/04/2015 14:56

Crimson thanks for your post- that's exactly it. It's like she is totally surprised when I have other plans- which I do as I have a boyfriend and a social life (or used to!) but she does behave like it's sort of a special treat for me when she bestows a day or an evening off upon me IYSWIM? There have been weekends where the old nanny has stepped isn't as, shock horror, I have plans, but she's not able to this time, so it's all on me.

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 17/04/2015 14:57

Do you have a contract? What was agreed or represented to you when you took the job? I think you need to work out a clear idea of the number of hours you are willing to work per week and/or the number of weekends/evenings you're willing to do in a given period. If there are clear divergences from what is in your contract or what you were told you would be expected to do, you need to point those out. It's not unreasonable for you not to want this, but I don't think it's necessarily unreasonable for her to ask it either (unless it is flagrantly different from what you were told). Fortunately as she's paying you hourly it shouldn't be more expensive for her to find out of hours cover separately and especially as you have a good relationship with your charge you're presumably in a strong position. It might be worth funding out your rights re notice periods just in case I guess. But if you're not happy with your situation it's not going to change unless you have a clear and frank conversation with her and come to a mutually acceptable agreement.

Morelikeguidelines · 17/04/2015 14:57

You need to sit mum down for a proper chat about who is the default carer amongst other things. She cannot see you as simply a given.

If sleep over falls through it is her job to step in, not yours!

Anewmeanewname · 17/04/2015 14:57

She sounds very selfish and discourteous. I agree with the suggestions re booking in 'non-negotiable' breaks for yourself and taking it from there.

AndWhenYouGetThere · 17/04/2015 15:07

Check your contract.

Original poster
JarvisCockerSpaniel · 17/04/2015 15:07

No contract (I know, I know) but job description when I started was around forty hours per week, although obviously I knew it'd be more in the holidays) but no mention of buisness trips or weekend work.

She always starts with 'you need to' never 'can you' when 'asking' me to do these things.

I guess because she's the one with the high flying career and multi-million pound buisness....

OP posts:
DearGirl · 17/04/2015 15:09

Been there got the t shirt. It's crap unfortunately I ended up leaving good knows what happened to my little buddy in the end

Mintyy · 17/04/2015 15:13

Why on earth haven't you got a contract?

Is she paying your tax and NI?

KERALA1 · 17/04/2015 15:13

Had a colleague like this. She ended up with a philliphino nanny who lived in and looked after the child all the time. And I mean all the time, she would ring her dd on Tuesday to arrange to meet her for brunch on Saturday. Her dd was 4.

Original poster
JarvisCockerSpaniel · 17/04/2015 15:17

Yes, all paid above board with payslips and tax and employer pension etc.

It wasn't like this at first, doing the odd weekend or late night was fine but is so regular now I can barely remember it any other way now.

OP posts:
CruCru · 17/04/2015 15:17

Hmm. It may be worth having a chat with the Mum along the lines of a general catch up on things you're both happy about / things you'd like to change (sort of like a performance review in an office) as this probably doesn't happen and should at least every six months. As part of this, you could raise the need for more notice and that there may be times when you can't step in.

Afterwards, send her an email summary of what was agreed (can be in bullet points). This will act as a contract. Whenever my nanny's hours / hourly rate is changed, I set out the terms of her employment in an email.

Theycallmemellowjello · 17/04/2015 15:17

Ok it does sound like she's taking the piss. Well I think that you need to be very clear to yourself about what you want. Write down your preferred hours, the hours youre willing to do, stipulations about evenings and weekends etc. think not only about your preferred position but positions you'd accept in a compromise. Practice explaining what you want calmly - don't be blaming or angry but also don't be apologetic.

Want2bSupermum · 17/04/2015 15:19

Looking at this from a different angle. The hours are a problem so why don't you suggest she hire a second person to help out. You still do overnights but days could be done by the 2nd nanny.

Having 2 nanny isn't talked about much but I know a couple of families who have done this because they want the best care for their DC. Everyone tends to dismiss the idea but I think it makes an awful lot of sense, especially in situations like you are in.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 17/04/2015 15:20

Ugh sounds like my old manager. She was actually the reason I wanted to leave my job. I wasn't a nanny though but she was very demanding and some days expecting me to come in work early with an hours notice. She also tried the "you need to" stance rather than "can you?" I had to pull her up on her attitude because it was seriously doing my nut in and she tried to play victim. Tell her she needs to give x amount of notice in future because you're not her puppet you may have made other plans

cleanmyhouse · 17/04/2015 15:21

Am i the only one that feels really sorry for the kid?

I mean yes OP,thats a shit set up, but you are a grown up and can say no. When she says "you need to" say "no". That's it.

Quitelikely · 17/04/2015 15:24

I would send a friendly email stating that you are going to be unavailable on certain weekends/dates.

However have you considered looking for another job? It seems that the requirements of this job have changed and no longer suit you.

If the woman doesn't know you're unhappy about it then her hands are tied.

If you value looking after the girl and the boss values you she will do something to sort the situation.