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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want (in my heart) no ex DH/DD contact?

26 replies

LobsterQuadrille · 17/04/2015 14:02

I nearly posted on this topic the other day. My ex DH has never paid a penny towards DD (18 this year) since he left when I was pregnant, and has had no contact with her for most of that (since she was five, and then only begrudgingly and at an hour a time, every few months. Ex DH lives overseas, amazing job, trophy wife, two children (I only know this as I have always kept in contact with ex MIL who is no longer in contact with him either. I have no DH or significant other and don't know anyone is my situation. BUT I do have plenty of friends whose entire conversation focuses on maintenance, court appearances, holiday "rights" etc.

I feel lucky that I have always worked full time and do not need his money, that I know where DD will be over holidays/Christmas and that we are very close. However ..... a couple of weeks ago DD had an email from ex DH (email address provided by his MIL to his sister) in which he expressed a desire to re-establish contact with her. She asked me to read it and to give my views. I feel that this would be unfair, as my instinctive view is that his very name makes me curl up inside. I want it to be her choice. He left me because I refused to have an abortion or to have her adopted (oh and she was very much planned), refused to be on her birth certificate (I put him on anyway) and there have been no phone calls, birthday cards, enquiries as to her well being over the (nearly) 18 years.

AIBU not to want anything to do with him? I don't want to regret anything later on and, biologically, he is after all her father. Confused.

OP posts:

HellonHeels · 17/04/2015 14:06

YANBU to not want anything to do with him. And you don't need to have anything to do with him.

Your DD is an adult and can decide for herself if she wants to see him.

HowDoesThatWork · 17/04/2015 14:09

He left me because I refused to have an abortion or to have her adopted (oh and she was very much planned), refused to be on her birth certificate (I put him on anyway) and there have been no phone calls, birthday cards, enquiries as to her well being over the (nearly) 18 years.

Does your daughter know this?

petalsandstars · 17/04/2015 14:09

I would be very tempted to tell her why he left - so she has all the facts, and then allow her to make her own mind up. might not be most popular idea though

Original poster

LobsterQuadrille · 17/04/2015 14:16

No, not at all! I've just said that he wasn't best placed to have a family at the time and "we" decided that I would bring her up. She is very secure, balanced, academically bright and until this email hasn't given it too much thought aside from "he wouldn't have made a great father and that's OK." I might sound arrogant but I do believe that she tells me pretty much everything as there have only ever been the two of us and she has never, ever spoken to her friends about any of this. I have suggested counselling of some sort but she is opposed to it and says she is happy with how things are and has no desire to bare her soul to a stranger.

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Original poster

LobsterQuadrille · 17/04/2015 14:18

petalandstars ..... I have on occasion thought of that, and then put myself in her shoes. Not sure that I could do it.

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NewName228 · 17/04/2015 14:22

You are doing the right thing to let her find out what he's like for herself, even though it must be incredibly tough.

My friend was in a similar position, except her DD was only 1 when her ex left & she then met her current husband who had raised her as his own (she's almost 18).

Her bio 'dad' is still local & tried to contact her publicly recently - she told him in no uncertain terms where to get off!

NewName228 · 17/04/2015 14:22

publicly - ie via FB

Hissy · 17/04/2015 14:23

I'm an advocate of age appropriate truth.

i think the 'oh well it just didn't work out' approach does not serve the children best long term.

I think you need to be more frank than you have been, but still not go fully into the exact words he used.

Explain to her what happened and why you feel what you feel, but make sure she knows she has your permission to forgive him and love him IF that is what she wants.

HowDoesThatWork · 17/04/2015 14:33

I would strongly consider giving your daughter more of the facts. Then she will be better placed to decide what to do and weigh up what he says.

NorahDentressangle · 17/04/2015 14:40

She is not getting the true picture of you by telling her that version of her DF. So will not understand if/why it upsets you.

Original poster

LobsterQuadrille · 17/04/2015 14:42

Thank you for your responses. I can see this logic. What started with protecting a little girl who had no need to have her self esteem/feelings of worthlessness exacerbated has gradually (it seems more suddenly) become a virtually adult daughter who must be somewhat bewildered by the fact that there is a father, but not one that she ever sees or hears from. Made worse because for the first six or so years, we were not allowed back into this country because my DF felt that I had brought shame on the family by being a single mother. Maybe I am projecting my own sense of abject failure on her, and my protective instincts are unfounded.

Thanks to all, again.

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Squeegle · 17/04/2015 14:46

Agree with howdoes,mGive her a bit more of the facts, although possibly not all. And then let her make her own mind up.

It's only fair, we all want to know where we come from don't we, and whoever you don't want to poison her in an unbiased way, she does deserve a little more understanding of the way it was so that she does have some idea of why you're not overjoyed. But she needs to make that decision not you.
But I don't think you AB at all U in your feelings! I would feel the same of course.

Damnautocorrect · 17/04/2015 17:16

My DH is your Dd. His mum puts so much pressure on the him not to see his dad, she says it's disloyal to her. She gets incredibly angry if he has anything to do with him.

Whilst I understand her feelings, I really really do. He was an utter bastard to her and he had nothing to do with DH.

My DH is half made up of his dad, our kids are part of their grandad. His dad has also made an effort but we've had to decline. Which does make me sad for the grand children. It's a heavy price to pay for being a dick 30 years ago.

There will come a time when your DD can't contact her dad, know if she got her love of x y or z from him, her nose from him. She needs to have the resolve that she made the right decision in her heart, as it's her that has to live with it. I know it's really really hard though, he's behaved awfully towards you and DD. But you have to softly give her the facts and let her make the choice

Original poster

LobsterQuadrille · 17/04/2015 17:32

Thank you for all your responses. I have an overactive imagination. I am already envisaging a situation where she says with him in his grand house with a pool, SAHM, two adorable siblings, holidays all over the world and a wedding arranged by Martha Stewart (or similar). It's all totally irrational as she has not once expressed a desire to see him, but we come from an affluent area where most of her friends have holidays homes in Barbados/South of France etc and, much as I love and trust her judgement, can also see how this may prove tough for her despite her (thus far) unswavering loyalty towards me.

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ThisIsTheJamHot · 17/04/2015 18:10

I'd give her what she asked for. The truth, the background and my opinion. She deserves to know and I have a duty to be honest with her, for both her sake and my own.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/04/2015 18:21

Now your dd is an adult, she deserves to know the facts surrounding your ex,so that she can make an informed decision. Yanbu at all to have nothing more to do with him, but you can leave the decision to her.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/04/2015 18:22

You are not poisoning her,but telling her the truth, poisoning your dd, would by telling lies about your ex to gain a certain response, but you are not!

FadedRed123 · 17/04/2015 18:32

Dear Lobster, agree with above posters that a little more (gently does it) information about the circumstances in which ExH left are timely here. Maybe her reply now would be "I'll think about it" to allow her time to really think about it.
BTW I cannot see how bringing up a lovely Dd after being abandoned during pregnancy is abject failure - quite the opposite, it's no mean feat to be single parent, FT job etc, and DF (really 'dear'?- I beg to differ in that opinion)
to think you shamed anyone is absurd and unforgivable.

ahbollocks · 17/04/2015 18:48

I wouldn't tell her, personally. Not all of it.
bit I would say that I would like any physical contact to be made in this country, close to home.

SakuraSakura · 17/04/2015 19:11

I was in a situation not unlike your dd. When I was her age my mother told me everything. I appreciated that she kept it to herself for so long, but was happy to have the truth too as an adult. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I wouldn't have gained anything from her keeping it secret. I'm glad I know exactly what happened, and exactly what he is like.

Well done for bringing her up without any support from her father. It can't have always been easy!

SakuraSakura · 17/04/2015 19:13

Sorry, to answer your question : YANBU, it's understandable, BUT the pull of a biological parent is very hard to fight against for some. Curiosity takes over. You need to give her full support to her should she choose to meet him. That is important. It sucks for you, I know, but she needs this from you. Good luck!

Original poster

LobsterQuadrille · 17/04/2015 19:36

At the risk of repeating myself, thank you all so much again. Very, very few close friends know anything of this - DD was born in another country and I made sure that letters and emails home were upbeat (there was, after all, nothing much anyone could do). I have always had an underlying sense that I have failed DD, and that the remarkable person she is is in spite of, rather than because of, having me as a mother. And no, I am not in the least a martyr - I hold down a good job as a director (for which I am incredibly grateful) but have missed all the sports days, plays, prizegivings etc along the way. The attitude of the other mothers was that I was a hard-nosed career minded uncaring old cow who couldn't be bothered to turn up.

I have had a chat with DD tonight. This wasn't knee-jerk reaction - I pondered for a while before posting on this subject in the first place. I can see that the logic which is fine for a five year old is going to be nothing less than baffling for a nearly 18 year old. Thank you, Sakura, for your insight.

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Aeroflotgirl · 17/04/2015 19:40

Lobster, your dd is a credit to you, you have done so well raising her to the fantastic woman she has become, by yourself . You did what you had to at the time, and as an adult she might see your point of view. you had to support her, put a roof over her head and provide food on the table. How was your dd reaction?

SakuraSakura · 17/04/2015 19:53

I had a couple of years of broken contact with my bio dad, online. Eventually, I came to the same conclusion my mum had. We have 100% no contact now, and that will be permanent. My curiosity has been satiated. So proud of my mum, we are very close. She is my hero. I bet you are your daughter's too x

Original poster

LobsterQuadrille · 18/04/2015 08:29

Morning all. DD's reaction was to assume her "blank yet listening" expression, which means that is a bit too much for her to take in at the time but that she will process it in her own time and then come back with specific questions. I didn't go into too much detail, but made it clear that it was his choice to leave - in her early days she used to think that the decision (to leave) had been mine. She is also adept at going off at a tangent, especially when something triggers a wound, so when she started on "if it's been so hard to bring me up alone, why didn't you just have an abortion then?" Which was totally opposed to anything I was saying. It hasn't been hard to bring her up, although I have read threads with immense envy where fathers have their DCs EOW - and then, with brutal honesty, I prefer that she has one home and one base. At the moment she has no desire to see him, email him back, has no interest in her half siblings, but this may all change and better that I acknowledge the possibility now than am whacked with a sledgehammer later on.
Have a good weekend, everyone.

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