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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just want her to move to joint account parity, rather than splashing the cash?

35 replies

Minus2seventy3 · 17/04/2015 12:01

Since we moved in together many moons ago, and I "bought into" her house (by paying half the mortgage and then putting in significant monthly overpayments), we've had a joint account. Always been based on what we could afford based on earnings and leaving each of us with comparable disposable income.
When we had our little one and DW went on maternity leave, she obviously pulled right back on j/a contributions, and I upped mine (as it should be).
When DW went back to work part time, the majority of j/a contributions were still from me, as I earned significantly more. All fine and dandy thus-far.
During the early baby and toddler period, as well as the j/a contributions, I also paid for a lot of incidentals sprog needed, and family treats. New car for she, deposit from me and finance through the j/a - didn't mind this at all: happy family equals happy me.
DW then shifted jobs a couple of times, upping her hours and playing the agency game (we're both in a similar field), while I stayed put, in a pretty stagnant post (I, or rather, we, didn't feel me chasing agency bucks was prudent whilst I was still the major earner - preferred security of the post I was /am in).
So we now find ourselves in a position where she earns as much as, if not more than, I, for fewer hours.
Still good - more family money, we're doing okay. Except, my contributions to the j/a are what they were as the main earner - hers up a little, but not to parity (nowhere near).
We've had a few years like this, she's on big money, new car (again), and saving nicely. She did a wonderful thing for a milestone birthday of mine - marvellous, (and not cheap) gesture, and really appreciated. But now I'm not exactly rolling in it - far from it. I still pay for most meals out, because it's a bloke thing to do (which I'm trying to hint need to be a little rarer), and we usually do weekends away as a pair. But recently, when I've suggested we need to cut back (on a couple of nights in a hotel, when it's not that long since our last trip) because I'm feeling a pinch, she's taken to saying, "oh, I'll get it".
She doesn't seem to mind paying big for things on an ad-hoc basis, but I'm tired of it now, I'd much prefer we dialed back my contributions a touch, upped hers accordingly, and then I would feel the bigger, "fun" stuff, is us paying, from the joint account, rather than "ooh, I do nice things for you :-) ". Feels like I'm doing bills and mortgage, and she the good stuff, which means it's less my choice, more hers, IYSWIM?
I know I need to be telling her this, and really don't need advice to do so (it's plain, really!), just needed to type and vent a little.

OP posts:
Hissy · 17/04/2015 12:04

can you not ask her to reinstate the equal payments to the JA? Review the accounts and divide it back up again?

Also - are you on the deeds? you need to be, or you are potentially shafted if it went wrong.

cleanmyhouse · 17/04/2015 12:05

Yanbu.

You're right, you need to discuss it with her.

Hissy · 17/04/2015 12:05

Review the spending you make as a household and put a proposal on the table

SaucyJack · 17/04/2015 12:06

You're being perfectly reasonable.....
but yes, you need to be telling your wife this- not us Smile

Bogeyface · 17/04/2015 12:09

Seems to be a case of "Whats your is ours, whats mine is my own"

YANBU but yes, you do need to be telling her.

CapnMurica · 17/04/2015 12:10

YANBU and I can't think that anyone else would think you were.

You probably need to spell it out for her though. It's wrong, but I think in a lot of cases like this where all money isn't completely shared it's easy to forget that things might not be equal. I know I don't tend to think about my spends if there is money in the account - then every so often I'll check myself and realise I've spent 50 on coffee at work and DH needs new shoes Blush (he is a SAHD). DH doesn't say anything because he would rather I had stuff than he did!

Hissy · 17/04/2015 12:12

I overheard a woman the other week say 'Daddies work for the boring important stuff, Mummies work for the fun stuff"

Even my DS said... "yeah right, I wish Hmm"

I had to leave. FAST, as I was REALLY fed up. Im a single parent, so I work for ALL the stuff. If I didn't, we'd be homeless... :(

You are a partnership and a team, this is the tack to take and also it prevents the resentment creeping in. Sort his out sooner rather than later. YANBU.

Flowers
OoompaLooompa · 17/04/2015 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

letscookbreakfast · 17/04/2015 12:17

OoompaLooompa in my situation I still have my own bills to pay therefore not all of my money is 'family' money and the same goes to my partner.

t3rr3gl35 · 17/04/2015 12:18

Vent away! You need to have a conversation, though. The resentment is obviously building on your part and she might be completely unaware, thinking that the parity lies in her greater contribution towards the fun stuff.

Our household finances are based on me paying the bills and DH paying for the fun stuff, but that was our considered joint decision and the most practical for our situation. It works for us because we are both very open with each other about earnings, commitments and aspirations and he would never feel that he was "treating" me when he takes me out for clothes etc., in the same way that I never feel that I'm "keeping" him by paying the bills from my income.

I guess that where I'm coming from with my own personal example is that I'm trying to demonstrate that it isn't crucial to share a joint account, each contributing equally - it's all about attitude and not feeling financially abused. In short - if you are unhappy with your situation, it's time to state exactly what it is that you are unhappy with and discuss a solution with your other half.

OoompaLooompa · 17/04/2015 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

letscookbreakfast · 17/04/2015 12:24

No, my credit card and phone bills etc.

AtomicDog · 17/04/2015 12:25

Letscook- what do you mean by own bills? Or do you maintain separate homes?

AtomicDog · 17/04/2015 12:26

Sorry x-post. But those are family costs not your own!

OoompaLooompa · 17/04/2015 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

letscookbreakfast · 17/04/2015 12:28

We live together but I pay for my bills out of my own money that's left over after I put 90% of my wages into the joint account to pay for household bills.

Viviennemary · 17/04/2015 12:32

I think your biggest worry is paying the mortgage on a house you don't own. This should be sorted out immediately. I'm afraid your partner is being a bit well greedy and selfish. A lot of people these days seem to have separate accounts and it does work as long as it's done in a fair way. And this certainly seems very unfair to you.

Bogeyface · 17/04/2015 12:37

If they are married then it is the marital home and he has as much claim to it as his wife, so thats not an issue at all.

Brandysnapper · 17/04/2015 12:44

Your situation sounds incredibly complicated OP. You either pay both salaries into the joint account and treat it all as your joint money. Or (as I do) think of an amount you should each keep as "spending money" (the same for each of you) and all the rest is shared. At times I've earned more than dh, at times less, but we've always adjusted out payments accordingly. Your dw is being selfish (or just oblivious, which is a form of being selfish!)

Viviennemary · 17/04/2015 12:49

That is the crucial point. If they are not married then the family home is not a marital asset. I assumed from the post they were not married. He has absolutely no security if he is not married.

shewept · 17/04/2015 12:53

We have a joint account and separate accounts. We both have an equal amount of 'spending money' and bills, savings, family days come out of the joint account.

I know people don't seem to understand this. But it suits us. I like having some financial independence as well as sharing the bills. It works for us.

Or it all goes into the joint account.

saucyjack wouldn't aibu be redundant if most people actually sorted the problem rather than asking here first. Women ask this type of question all the time.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 17/04/2015 12:54

The time it took to write out that very long post is longer than the minute it would take to say "DW, now you're earning again I think we should both start paying equally into the joint account. I've worked it out and we both need to pay £XXXX per month."

shewept · 17/04/2015 12:54

The poster refers to her as DW. My assumption would be they are married.

confusedandemployed · 17/04/2015 12:55

YANBU. Suggest to her what we do: I earn, say, 60% of the family income and DP earns 40%. Every month I calculate our outgoings as a family, including food, and pay 60% of that into our JA. DP pays 40% in. The rest of our money is our own. Works well for us - we got together late 30s and both very independent and we both like having our own money. This way is fair.

LotusLight · 17/04/2015 12:56

We just had joint accounts (and I earned 10x what he did as time went on). So this was never an issue.

if people have separate accounts then it should be proportionate. If she earns moree now then her proportion of what is needed for the household account should be higher than yours./ If you are not married and you earn less propose as your financial position will be a lot better if you later part if you are married.