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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my DD is sharing or am I in denial?

53 replies

AlmondAmy · 16/04/2015 22:07

DD is 2. She's under assessment for ASD and has speech delay. She has older siblings and plays well with them but struggles with children her own age. A few times now people have commented that DD gets upset because she can't share but I disagree with them.

A couple of examples:

At toddler group DD was linking together some magnetic trains - she had four and there was a box next to the table of about 40 more. Another child came and took three of the ones she had, she said 'no, mine' and pointed to the box of more. When the child took the ones she had away she became upset and that childs mum saidto her 'oh don't get upset, you'll have to learn to share one day.'

Today at the farm there was a puzzle which DD was completing. Another child came over, and went to pick it up and DD said no and passed him another box with a similar puzzle. The child still picked the one she was doing up and threw it down so it all came apart. DD was very upset and the mum made a patronising terrible twos comment.

Aibu to think that DD is trying to share and that allowing other dc to take what she has isn't sharing?

OP posts:
StillaChocoholic · 16/04/2015 22:10

It sounds like your daughter is doing a fine job of sharing in those examples. The mum in the first example should have made her child give the things back IMO.

mortil2 · 16/04/2015 22:11

I definitely think she is sharing. And very helpful at pointing out where you find their own.Just ignore these parents. Actually, their Dc were snatching toys off her

ClashCityRocker · 16/04/2015 22:13

Well, most two year olds aren't great at sharing anyway. Your daughter seems very reasonable to me in those examples.

VacantExpression · 16/04/2015 22:13

My DD (5) is under the same assessments- 2 is quite young to be assessing- she sounds like she was being quite mature actually to me "no, I'm playing with these but look here is something the same/similar, why don't you have this one to play with".

Letting someone snatch something you are playing with isn't sharing IMO anyway. Your poor DD being judged :-(

ashtrayheart · 16/04/2015 22:15

2 year olds aren't known for their sharing qualities but your dd sounds like she's doing well in your examples. Other parents can be a bit odd about these things!

silverstreak · 16/04/2015 22:15

Nope YANBU. Dying thiiiink she was actually sharing in its truest form but it does sound like she was doing the next best thing from a toddler point of view by sharing the opportunity to play with something similar in a similar fashion so that everyone was a winner, iyswim.... Not sure I really agree with 'sharing' in that situation either as it actually amounts to just giving up the toy as you say, & not sharing at all. Darn stupid asking 2yr olds to engage in an activity that not a lot of adults will do readily when they barely have any emotional maturity at all! Good for your DD anyway, she did the right thing! ;)

flanjabelle · 16/04/2015 22:16

Can I ask why she is being assessed? In your op she sounds very similar to my dd, just wondering if I should be concerned.

TenerifeSea · 16/04/2015 22:16

How close is she to 3? She sounds pretty average to me. Toddlers are notoriously shit at sharing. Some are good but they really are the minority!

(my evidence is from my years as an Early Years Practitioner.)

Permanentlyexhausted · 16/04/2015 22:16

Try not to get upset about other people's comments.

If I'm honest I would have to say that offering an alternative is not the same as sharing. How much older are her siblings? At home does she share (i.e. let her siblings use the same toys as she is using) or are they happy to let her have what she wants whilst they play with other stuff. If it's the latter perhaps her siblings could insist on playing with what she's playing with sometimes. I don't know whether that would be possible.

pasbeaucoupdegendarme · 16/04/2015 22:17

I think she sounds very reasonable! My dd is 2.10 and would be just the same.

pieceofpurplesky · 16/04/2015 22:20

I think your dd sounds lovely and is sharing and being kind!

HermiaDream · 16/04/2015 22:20

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CharlesRyder · 16/04/2015 22:20

Is it the case that your DD doesn't use much language in these scenarios? I wonder whether, because you know her really well and are totally tuned in to her verbal and non-verbal communication, you understand her intentions whereas the other child, and perhaps their parent, doesn't?

Could you verbalise for her in these situations, maybe saying 'Oh yes DD, you are right, there is another toy just like the one you have that this boy could use and come and play with us...'

Variousrandomthings · 16/04/2015 22:23

I don't think she is sharing as that would mean playing with the same item together. However she is being helpful/thoughtful by redirecting the children to identical toys.

Mine struggled with sharing sometimes but totally understood taking turns.

I think the first mother was wrong to expect her child just to walk up and randomly take toys off children who were busily engaged with them. The mother should have told her child to wait until your DD had finished, then taken a turn when the toy was available.

With the second mother, is there any chance she was referring to her own child? He caused the upset after all.

soundedbetterinmyhead · 16/04/2015 22:27

Crikey, I'd have been proud of that behaviour from either of mine at that age. DS was at the 'upset me, get kicked' stage for quite a lot of age 2. However, with DD, I did find that once people are aware of 'assessments' going on, they look for problems in your child, usually because it gets their's off the hook. Just a thought, it happened to me.

LynetteScavo · 16/04/2015 22:27

I know a lot of 4 year olds who couldn't think through there being more toys, and directing the other child to them. I'm impressed that your 2 yo can do this.

And I think "sharing" is over rated. The other children didn't want her to "share", they wanted to hand it over, and weren't happy to "share" themselves by letting her keep it.

Original poster
AlmondAmy · 16/04/2015 22:32

The other children weren't trying to join in though Various, they were just trying to take it. She co-operates with her siblings to do puzzles together.

I agree Charles that her lack of speech doesn't help. I also verbalised for her that there were a box of the same trains but the other child just said they wanted those ones that dd had and took them.

OP posts:
OutsSelf · 16/04/2015 22:33

She sounds really smart to me, she understood what the other children wanted and went into negotiation. She's one step ahead of my almost 2yr old and more or less on a par with my 4yr old who would have done what she did but with added verbalisation.

Fuck sharing anyway. I don't make mine share though I do ask for turns on behalf of others and IF they say yes, help negotiate terms. If they say no, I simply say bad luck other child, x doesn't feel like sharing today. I don't share everything wordlessly with anyone who asks.

Anyway, OP, the term sharing is being euphemistically applied by the other parents in your scenarios - their children were demanding possession of something you child had. Sharing, my arse - if you can't say no to sharing then it's not actually in your gift TO share it, you're just being told to relinquish something over which you are being afforded no control.

DoJo · 16/04/2015 22:37

I don't think the ideal for 'sharing' is teaching a child to give up a toy if someone comes along and snatches it, any more than 'sharing' is snatching a toy from someone and expecting them to like it! If my son is playing with something that another child wants, then I will say (depending on how long he has been playing with it) 'You have been playing with x time so I will count to five so you can finish what you're doing and then it will be someone else's turn'. At that age they don't really seem to play 'together' that often because they all have their own ideas of what constitutes a fun game, so I wouldn't expect any 2 year old to be able to negotiate terms of real 'sharing' with another child.

CaptainHolt · 16/04/2015 22:43

One of the best things about not having toddlers anymore is you don't get some bellend parent trying to turf them out of the cozy coupe after 4 seconds so their special snowflake can have a 20 minute 'turn'. Sharing isn't handing over your stuff on demand. Your dd sounds like she is pretty empathetic towards the kids who want the stuff she is playing with but just not willing to be a doormat.

RinkyTinkTen · 16/04/2015 23:02

I think a lot of parents other mothers get sharing completely wrong.

If you are using your phone & I take it off you, you'd be pissed off, even more so if someone then said you were bu and you had to share it.

Why it is acceptable to do this to toddlers, I just don't know. If my 2 yo is playing with something and another child grabs it, I tell that child that dd is playing with it and that she will give it to them when she has finished. This way, dd gets the pleasure of giving something to someone and the other child gets pleasure from being given something.

Forcing a child to give up something just because someone else wants it is monumentally unfair imo, your dd was spot on to show that there were other items to play with and the parents were bvvu.

Lucyloves101 · 17/04/2015 08:29

I'm impressed! Think she sounds more reasonable about sharing than any 2 year old I know!

MissDuke · 17/04/2015 08:34

She sounds lovely op. Those mothers were wrong shifting the blame from their children to yours. I have been in the same situation and replied in a 'nice' tone with 'aww you know yourself, it is upsetting when people take things from you'. I would have hated to let it go Blush

ThisFenceIsComfy · 17/04/2015 08:36

I would be over the moon if DS behaved so nicely with others!

FenellaFellorick · 17/04/2015 08:39

I think she was very reasonable and logical about it. no, she isn't sharing because she isn't taking what she has and letting another child play with it/play with her with it but she is doing what a lot of kids her age aren't able to do - she's offering an alternative. she's saying no, I'm playing with this one, but if you want to play the same thing there is another one over there.

However, when small kids want to 'share', what's usually actually happening is they've seen what you want, decided it looks fun just because you've got it and they want that one. They don't want the identical thing next to it, they want yours. They don't want to play with you, they want to play with what's in your hands and they may tolerate you still playing with it alongside them or they may not Grin

I think your daughter sounds very impressive and she has a skill many children her age do not.