Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my DD is sharing or am I in denial?

53 replies

AlmondAmy · 16/04/2015 22:07

DD is 2. She's under assessment for ASD and has speech delay. She has older siblings and plays well with them but struggles with children her own age. A few times now people have commented that DD gets upset because she can't share but I disagree with them.

A couple of examples:

At toddler group DD was linking together some magnetic trains - she had four and there was a box next to the table of about 40 more. Another child came and took three of the ones she had, she said 'no, mine' and pointed to the box of more. When the child took the ones she had away she became upset and that childs mum saidto her 'oh don't get upset, you'll have to learn to share one day.'

Today at the farm there was a puzzle which DD was completing. Another child came over, and went to pick it up and DD said no and passed him another box with a similar puzzle. The child still picked the one she was doing up and threw it down so it all came apart. DD was very upset and the mum made a patronising terrible twos comment.

Aibu to think that DD is trying to share and that allowing other dc to take what she has isn't sharing?

OP posts:
youarekiddingme · 17/04/2015 08:41

Of course she's sharing. There seems to be a whole host of parents though who think sharing is giving their kid what they want because they asked nicely.

You need to have some stock phrases for these situations like "oh yes your right, DD is great at directing children to toys and helping them learn not to take away others toys" say this to comments such as DD isn't sharing or the terrible twos.

Children who ask for something the minute another has got it and then go on and on and on at the top of their voices about "X not sharing" or "when's it my turn" drive me nuts.

Laughing at comments on here - I'd be very tempted to give some of them a try - so approach one of these parents after the event and ask for a go in their phone, sip if their coffee is just take the book their reading!

MrsDeVere · 17/04/2015 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 17/04/2015 08:51

Better at sharing than my NT 2.8 year old not that she sets a very high standard. Yanbu.

TwoOddSocks · 17/04/2015 08:53

Bloody hell she sounds mature for her age. Imagine an adult equivalent, if I was at the gym lifting two dumbbells and someone snatched one I'd be pissed off. I agree it's not the more advanced form of sharing where two of them play together with the same toy but the others kids weren't trying to do that either.

Out of interest why is she being assessed?

Mermaidhair · 17/04/2015 09:06

I think it is amazing how adults expect young children to share, when they would have trouble themselves! Their brains aren't developed and they don't understand. Imagine you were at the gym using some weights then someone came over and took them off you. Then the gym attendant says you need to learn to share! Or it's your birthday and you are given something special but your dh says you need to let your friend wear the shirt first. I know it's not exact but that is how it would feel for them.

OoompaLooompa · 17/04/2015 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ahbollocks · 17/04/2015 09:22

She sounds like my dd :) perfectly normal!
2 is very young to go under assessment though, is she closer to 3?
Tbh I dont think much of this sharing malarkey, if one of my colleagues tried to share my phone or my ipad I wouldn't be impress ;)

Goldmandra · 17/04/2015 09:37

Sharing in the context of an ASD assessment is more about whether a child shares experiences with another, showing the other child things, taking turns to put pieces in a puzzle or getting her train to wait while the other child's train goes over the bridge.

Not being willing to allow another child to just walk up and take toys from her is perfectly age and neurodevelopmentally appropriate.

I wouldn't worry about what other parents say, TBH. Some people have a very odd idea of sharing which can involve their child being able to take things off yours but yours not being allowed near anything their child may wish to have possession of at any time in the next hour. It has nothing to do with your child's social communication skills.

halcyondays · 17/04/2015 10:14

In those two situations the other parents were unreasonable and should have got their dc to play with the other, similar toys. What your dd did was fine. Sharing doesn't mean letting someone take away a toy you're playing with.

zzzzz · 17/04/2015 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrapBag · 17/04/2015 10:53

Your DD sounds great. I don't know any other 2 year old who would do what she did.

I'm so glad to read many of the comments that on here. I have long thought that so called sharing is overrated, mainly by parents who think that because their precious child demands something that someone else is playing with, that means they should get it because it's sharing. No it's not, it's giving in to a demand.

I have a friend did who brings her ds over, is a year younger than mine. Every single thing my ds picks up, her ds wants. Often my ds will hand it over which I find infuriating but I don't say anything. My friend sits there and tells her ds that he can share and have it in 5 minutes, every time. Not once does she say "X has that, find something else to play with and you can have it when he has finished" Her ds stands there whining until my ds gives in and finds something else, then her ds wants that straight away.

My cousin brings his ds over. Mine had a balloon, his ds walks over and tries to wrestle the balloon away from my ds. My cousin comes out with a crap excuse about "oh it's ok crapbags ds, it's a game we play at home" when his ds tried to snatch my ds's favourite toy away when cousins back was turned I made a point of pointing this out then so he had no choice but to do something.

Like pp have said, we wouldn't allow an adult to come over and snatch whatever we have away and tell us they are sharing. I have no idea why parents force this crap on to their young children who just won't get why they are being made to give up something they are enjoying.

DS used to get things snatched from him all the time at toddler group, he used to just give it up, every time. A parent never intervened. Now at 7 he hates sharing which I can't really blame him and I admit I'm not great at it myself so I don't force it too much, unless DD wants a toy car to play with out of the 100's he has, then I make him share one with her, but not his favourites or any that he is playing with. There is a difference.

tanukiton · 17/04/2015 11:08

for 2 she is amazing!! I have taught my children to share and not share. We don't share lollipops that have been sucked or drinks. Mr rabbit and Mr Penguin are special and they do not have to be shared. Mummy does not share her perfume, the ipad or nice shampoo. Daddy has to share all chocolate with Mummy. The list goes on,

We share toys if it is hard, everyone uses a toy for 10 then change for 10 and change again.

annielouise · 17/04/2015 11:16

I agree adults getting sharing wrong. A child playing with something is entitled to play with the whole thing until they're done with it. If they don't want to play with it but are hanging on to it just because another child wants it that's different and then they need to learn to share. Your DD was fine. Extrapolate it to an adult situation and see if it's reasonable - an adult playing snooker for example and they're in the middle of a game. Are they to stop just because some others want to play? No, of course not. You don't hog something but if there is other jigsaws etc she wasn't doing anything wrong. I'd have praised her in front of the other parent and said well done X, you finish what you're doing and then the boy can have his turn after waiting patiently.

Pengweng · 17/04/2015 11:18

She sounds perfectly normal to me hun, in fact very logical and advanced for her age. That other mother should taught her child that snatching from someone else is not very nice. . And i actually don't believe that people should have to share if they don't want to. In my house we take turns playing with things. So if A has some thing E wants then she has to wait until A is done (twins nearly 3). I also don't make them share their toys/food etc with other children if they don't want to. If they do then great but if not then other children have to learn that they can not just take things as and when they want to and call if sharing. That's not sharing it is taking what you want from someone and putting a pretty bow on it.

Theycallmemellowjello · 17/04/2015 11:19

I don't think you can get a diagnosis (social or otherwise) over the internet OP. Obviously the stories you tell sound fine - but it's you who has selected those two incidents and you who is interpreting them, so obviously we're going to see them from your perspective. I think you need to consult people who actually know your daughter on this one.

Mermaidhair · 17/04/2015 11:37

If an adult behaved like those children we would tell them to stop being so rude!

zzzzz · 17/04/2015 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpiritOfTheRitz · 17/04/2015 11:55

I really hate how "sharing" is interpreted with regard to toddlers Hmm.

To my mind, your DD was sharing in those scenarios, because she indicated similar toys that the other child could play with.

Not sharing is a scenario where, for example, DC is drawing, another child comes to join in and takes a different coloured pencil from the box, DC shrieks "No!" and grabs up all the pencils and sits there holding them and not letting the other child have any.
But they would have been perfectly reasonable to kick up a fuss if the second child came to join in and snatched the pencil they were using out of their hand, it's totally different.

Sharing implies both people using something - slightly different to taking turns. It's hard to share just one item - you need to take turns for that.
But when there are multiple similar items, and children can play with them together/alongside one another, rather than just snatch them off another child because they want to have all of them, then that is good sharing, and what we should be aiming for.

TwoOddSocks · 17/04/2015 11:55

Just to add I also think it's normal for toddlers to want something they see someone else playing with and try to snatch it, but the parents should correct them and give them an alternative to snatching (e.g. play with someone else, ask kid who is currently playing whether they can have it after them).

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 17/04/2015 12:25

Tbh. I woukdnt expect a 2 year old to have the social skills to share.
Thing about sharing is though. How would you feek op if I just came into your house and started using your washing machine wearing you clothes make up ect. You'd say something along the lines of "Get your hAnds of those they're mine, well it's the same for children. Their toys are their property!!!

maddening · 17/04/2015 17:38

Those dc will eventually have to learn not to snatch when their parents aren't there to give withering patronising excuses for their poor behaviour.

bananayellow · 17/04/2015 17:42

Your dd was in the right both times.

Some parents will never see a situation except through their own childs eyes. Of course these children are never wrong.

CapnMurica · 17/04/2015 17:43

Why is she being assessed? Because for 2 she seems completely normal in speech and behaviour (from the little info you've given)

BabyDubsEverywhere · 17/04/2015 17:48

I don't do sharing, I have never made mine do the 'sharing' I see other DC having to do - give something they are using to someone else. Its ridiculous. I encourage them to let other DC join in, if appropriate, or say the other DC can have it after mine. I think your DD was more than reasonable OP.

Yarp · 17/04/2015 17:59

I agree with everyone else.

Your DD was developmentally appropriate and actually rather sophisticated

Swipe left for the next trending thread