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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel cross with faffy friend

63 replies

printedflorals · 16/04/2015 17:21

My friend is lovely but is like a magpie. She teaches nursery and is constantly on the lookout for things for her classroom, if not her classroom to buy her DH for tea, if not that then it's something. You get the picture.

I work shifts and I also have a 1 year old DC and am expecting another DC in a couple of months. Obviously I get tired.

AIBU to just get really really sick of being dragged incessantly around pound shops, bargain supermarkets and every other shop you can think of in hunt for something she 'needs'? I know that sounds rotten but it's not just going in, it's the way she charges round like a whirling dirvige; back and forth, up and down, to and fro, while she carries on a monologue with herself about what she needs, why she needs it, only to half the time conclude she doesn't need it. But then she drags me/us into ANOTHER shop.

I know it sounds petty and when we just go for a walk or something she's great but I find this so irritating as it can take hours, and I don't have hours. Today for instance I am in work at 6 but what should have been coffee and a chat then buying a few things for a picnic at the weekend turned into incessant pound-shop scouring. I like pound shops by the way :)

AIBU to find this bloody annoying and quite inconsiderate?

OP posts:
Summerisle1 · 16/04/2015 17:53

I don't think YABU to find this exhausting and irritating. You would be U if you don't tackle the issue rather than carry on enduring raids on Poundland though. If you don't speak up then she's going to assume you are perfectly happy going along with her. So perhaps something along the lines of "Coffee was lovely but I don't have the energy or the inclination for any more shopping".

I had a friend who was a bit similar in that she really thought that a lengthy look round the shops made for an enjoyable afternoon out. Not for me it didn't! In the end I had to be (politely) honest and say that it wasn't my sort of thing. Her face fell a bit but our friendship wasn't affected and we now do tea rooms instead. Which suits us just fine.

Satsumafairy · 16/04/2015 17:53

Well that is annoying but then I wouldn't go shopping with a friend because I don't enjoy it. I'd just meet for a coffee and a chat and then make my excuses when she mentions going to the shops.

Original poster
printedflorals · 16/04/2015 17:53

God knows over - iPad decided :)

I don't think it's rude at all to say no to someone. I think the problem is, the 'dog on a leash' meteor is true - she does unintentionally get so enthusiastic and carried away she almost, but not quite, charges off.

It can also be difficult if for whatever reason we've driven in together as we did last week or if today we were doing something specific. Stomping off to M & S muttering darkly that 'that bitch has gone in poundland!' is a tad OTT and honestly I know she hasn't a clue just how irritating I'm finding it. This irritation has only built up lately. It's a time thing, a pregnant thing and unfortunately once you start noticing something like that you notice it more and more.

Anyway live and let live :)

OP posts:
Original poster
printedflorals · 16/04/2015 17:54

But there are some good and polite replies here so thank you :)

I have only started to find it soul destroying in the last month :) not sure why!

OP posts:
dexter73 · 16/04/2015 17:55

I'm not sure why you need to go to M&S together? Can't you just say that you have to go and will see her soon and then she can go and do the rest of her faffing/shopping and you can go to M&S.

sabrina00 · 16/04/2015 17:55

It's a non issue really, I'm just particularly run down and crabby just now and Poundworld in school holidays doesn't improve my mood.

So don't go. Not rocket science, is it.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 16/04/2015 17:56

I guess I could stop and shout NO! I WILL NOT! but it's frightfully churlish

Well, not churlish. A little strange, perhaps.

Or you could say 'tell you what, I'll see you outside. I fancy a sit down for a few minutes.'

OP, you seem determined to not recognise that there is a perfectly polite and reasonable way to deal with this issue.

BumblingBoris · 16/04/2015 17:56

YANBU I have a friend exactly the same! I do my best to avoid shopping with her, as lovely as she is. I usually suggest meeting up in the evening for a meal or drink just to avoid the shops.
her favourite is Wandering aimlessly round ikea. Does my head in!

BrianButterfield · 16/04/2015 17:56

I know someone very like this, complete with narration. It is exhausting! I try to just detach myself from it a bit and try to think positively about it - after all, it shows she cares about whatever it is she's faffing over.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 16/04/2015 17:56

You can say no. If she takes it as a snub that's her look out.

As much as I like Poundworld and the like I wouldn't spend 20 minutes in there by myself let alone with someone who faffed about.

Original poster
printedflorals · 16/04/2015 17:57

Because the picnic was one we are jointly organising so we were both buying the things for it to take into account different Dcs likes and dislikes :)

I think the issue is, parking in town is difficult and so when you meet someone for a coffee I can understand the mentality of 'lets go to all the cheap shops!' as her job involves that - but it's annoying. Her DP complains as well!

OP posts:
Totality22 · 16/04/2015 17:59

Go somewhere with no shops.

Original poster
printedflorals · 16/04/2015 18:00

And yes, it's the exhausting aspect of it. The charging up and down and up and down and up and down ....yaaaarrrghhhhh! I am the sort of person who goes in, and get what I need and GO! Grin

OP posts:
HeyheyheyGoodbye · 16/04/2015 18:00

Stomping off to M & S muttering darkly that 'that bitch has gone in poundland!' is a tad OTT

Grin OP that really made me laugh.

Why don't you try saying something like, 'Oh do you know what, I'll just sit on this bench (or whatever) and wait for you to come out - pregnancy hormones/backache/feet!' when she charges off to Poundland? Then you can mutter while having a sit down, at least.

Original poster
printedflorals · 16/04/2015 18:02

Yes, that's a good idea and might make her hurry the f up!

I'm sure she thinks I love it too! I don't!

OP posts:
Variousrandomthings · 16/04/2015 18:03

Just text her 'it was really lovely to see you again today. I must make a secret admission, I hate home bargains and the pound shop! Don't have the stamina for it. Would you mind if we bypassed it next time we meet up?'

Alternatively if she says she's just popping into the shop, tell her you will go home or continue to the next shop as you don't want to go in

MrsHathaway · 16/04/2015 18:03

Pregnancy does exacerbate this kind of thing, and I bet it isn't intentional, as you say.

It's all very well saying you should just say no, but it doesn't sound much like she's giving you a chance to. If you stopped to say no, she'd be halfway down the sellotape aisle before she even noticed.

To that end, I think you have to cut her off before she starts - eg as you're leaving your coffee/lunch place say "now I can really only manage M&S today because I'm working later/knackered from DC1 waking up last night/suffering with these piles, so you'll need to save your rummaging for after I've gone."

Then it's breezy smile and "no, really" and if she goes into B&M call after her "Ok I'm going to m&s, see you next time" and bloody do it.

What she likes doesn't matter - whether her shopping is daft or great is irrelevant. You don't want to do it, and You Matter.

Original poster
printedflorals · 16/04/2015 18:07

Thank you :) as you say she doesn't realise and I don't want her to feel bad or realise how bloody annoying it actually is! Grin Flowers

OP posts:
Summerisle1 · 16/04/2015 18:08

Firmly affix your bottom to a comfortable seat in the M & S cafe and tell her you'll still be there when she gets back from emptying the shelves at Poundland. Or that perhaps, given that you are tired and pregnant, she might like to browse the shops on a day when you aren't with her.

littlehouseinthebigwoods · 16/04/2015 18:13

I understand op, it's really hard to say 'no' without coming across as rude and hurting her feelings. Could you say something like 'actually I find poundland (or wherever) really exhausting at the moment, but I do need to go to ...(insert nice quiet shop), meet you there in 5mins?' She may be quicker without nattering to you!

Or alternatively 'sorry I'm really tired so I'm going to head home, you carry on without me.'

Not an easy one though.

Topseyt · 16/04/2015 18:16

OK, she decides she wants to flit into Poundland, and you don't want to. You want to head straight to M & S instead.

Tell her fine, but you are going to M & S. Tell her she can join you in there when she has finished in Poundland. Saying "OK, fine. See you in M & S in 15 minutes or so" isn't rude at all. Not as far as I can see anyway. I don't even think it would be rude if after having a coffee you made your excuses and said you needed to go home. You have the ideal ready made excuse with your young child and your pregnancy. Say you need to collect your child, get the dinner on, are tired due to the demands of your pregnancy and your child. Any old yarn will do.

I have to say that I tend not to go shopping with people. When I go into town with my daughters or husband we all immediately split up and go to do our own thing. I am very much a lone shopper and this is just the type of reason why. I want to browse at my own pace, where I want to and without being beholden to anyone else. If I want to browse in a bookshop and flick through some books I can. If I want to explore M & S, or Debenhams, or John Lewis, or House of Fraser then I can - without anyone else wanting me to be anywhere else.

louwn · 16/04/2015 18:17

OP YANBU. I have a friend like this. I love her to pieces but her house is full of this pound shop tat and the trailing around drives me insane. I avoid these sort of trips if I can help it at all! : )

Original poster
printedflorals · 16/04/2015 18:19

Ah thanks littlehouse - that is it and she loves charging around I think. I don't think she fully appreciates that I really DON'T! Grin

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 16/04/2015 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

echt · 16/04/2015 18:24

I can see why this wearisome, so definitely lean on your pregnancy to get a break here.

I am, though, just a teeny bit Angry and Sad at yet another teacher supplying and improving their classroom out of their own purse.

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