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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let BIL move in again

71 replies

GlitterTwinkleToes · 15/04/2015 19:38

My DH BIL has been made homeless, again!
This is the 5th time in a year he's been chucked out. Reasons being that he's a dirty bastard and failure to pay rent.

He's stayed with us twice before, 1st time when I was in hospital having DD, came home from the hospital to find him there. Three weeks he was there! Worst time of my life, I felt banished to the bedroom coupled with a newborn who cried constantly (silent reflux) and with no bloody support from DH!
Second time was over new years for another two weeks until I lost my shit and called the police to chuck him and DH out. He didn't bathe once when staying with us, he stank out my flat, after telling him to get in the bath and bloody wash several times a day he still didn't didn't [boak]
He smokes way too much, I kicked off as we have a balcony for smoking, never in the flat, I caught him lighting up in the front room out of the window. The prick burnt my expensive curtains. Still waiting for the money to be refunded for new ones and trashed my front room with beer cans, takeaway boxes and dirty clothes.
Coupled with the fact he's a heavy drinker, came home one time to find him shagging in my bed with a girl who wasn't his gf, the fact he thinks its hilarious to pretend to give my 14mo DD alcohol (I'm not ashamed to say he had a black eye from me) and that he's just a general prick and I cant stand him. He expected me to cook for him and gave me three black bags full of stinking washing to do (went straight out into the garden, there's a thing called a laundrette, or a clever idea, do it your fucking self) with no contribution. I wasn't asking much, £20 to cover the cost of extra food, and the elec shot up whilst he was staying.
Me and DH actually split up for a few months because I was so angry with him for not protecting his daughter from this specimen (I'm big and ugly enough to protect myself) and for just being a fucking coward.
Him and DH are not even close, the only time he ever hears off him is for money Or to ask if he can stay because he's been kicked out.
Now phone call this morning off him begging to stay because he's been kicked out because he's got scabies amongst other things and his gf doesn't want him near her. As soon as I heard his name, my expression changed and DH backtracked as soon as he saw this. Told him he's sorry but he can't help him, go ask friend blah blah blah. The problem being BIL has burnt all bridges with his friends, and frankly i couldn't give a shit.
MIL has been ringing all day saying how family is so important (she can't help, she's working in another country at the moment) and basically trying to guilt trip DH into letting BIL stay.
He says he's feeling torn between me and him and doesn't know what to do. I've told him there's such a thing as a B+B or hotel and if he's pissed his money up the wall then that's his problem.

Sorry didn't realise it was going to be so wrong

AiBU?

OP posts:

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 15/04/2015 20:39

I'm really surprised that he can hold down a job but not a flat and with such bad hygiene?

Original poster

GlitterTwinkleToes · 15/04/2015 20:41

He works self employed at a car wash, maybe twice a week if he can be bothered to go in.

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 15/04/2015 20:43

That pays enough for his rent, bills and food, does it? Wow.

Original poster

GlitterTwinkleToes · 15/04/2015 20:45

DH used to work there before getting a job with fixed hours. In an average day you can earn between £80-£200, bearing in mind your working 12 hours a day, hard labour in the summer, not much work in the winter.

OP posts:

Littletabbyocelot · 15/04/2015 20:47

I can understand your dh feeling sad about his relationship with his mum but this isn't him being torn between you and his family. This is him having a choice to either be a responsible parent to his child or not. No one else is more important than keeping her safe and if he can't do that he needs to get support dealing with his childhood issues so he can.

elfycat · 15/04/2015 20:51

I'd say there are rare occasions where hitting someone is appropriate, but feeding a young child alcohol and encouraging smoking is quite frankly assault in my books. It may be appropriate for a parent to thump someone who is assaulting their child (I've punched 2 men for sexually assaulting me and it was a reflex not a conscious choice).

You know YANBU. He's unhygenic, and while scabies can be caught by anyone no matter how clean (ex HCP and I've had my share of parasites), he's hardly going to get effective treatment which will include personal hygiene. He's a risk to your child - re behaviour with drink and ciggies and now with a touch-contagious condition. You'll ALL get them (my sisters passed them onto DF and an uncle within 48 hours of getting them from the care home they worked in).

Original poster

GlitterTwinkleToes · 15/04/2015 20:56

Elfy Sorry to hear that about you. It was a act first, think later moment. I'm not sorry that I done it, but it wasn't my brightest moment.

Now I've had 50+ comments on it, DH can read them all and understand why I'm so angry about his brother. Thank you all for your contributions

OP posts:

SisterMoonshine · 15/04/2015 20:59

Your DH is just going to have to accept the fact that he will probably fall out with his mum and brother. admittedly, not nice - but he needs to stand up for his family a bit here.

As someone said earlier, he has DD to protect now, she is his family.
It's all very well the brother whinging to his mum to talk you into taking him in. She would perhaps see things differently if she actually had any sort of bond with her granddaughter herself.

KatieKaye · 15/04/2015 21:00

Glitter-that made me think of a saying: the best way to avoid responsibilities is to say "I've got responsibilities."

sound familiar to you re BIL??

Feckeggblue · 15/04/2015 21:07

I would kick DH out- a) for daring to suggest it and b) to get the fuck away from that family forever
I read your post re bringing your DD back from hospital to find him there and wanted to cry for you. That's one of the most horrible things I've heard of happening

FenellaFellorick · 15/04/2015 21:14

YANNNNNNNNNNBU!

Your husband is off his rocker if he wants to have a dirty man with scabies into the home! you will ALL get infected!
whatever his mother issues he needs to be a good parent and put his child first. If he wont do that then theres something fucked up with him.

Scabies requires a high level of hygiene to get rid of. You already know your bil is mucky, you know he wil not do what is needed to get rid of it and avoid infecting you. Your husband would rather see his child with scabies than upset his mummy? I do understand how complex parental baggage can be but he has to prioritise his child over his mother, even if the price is that his mother gives him hell. He has to be the parent he didnt have!

Original poster

GlitterTwinkleToes · 15/04/2015 21:18

Feck DH is a good man except when it comes to his family. After last time he's learnt that I will take no shit from him and his brother. He's just sent me a text from work saying he doesn't want to fight no more, his brother has gone to a friends. Lets see if he's homeless again in a few days, shall we. I feel sorry for DH about his family, but I've gotta put DD first, always.
With regards to bringing DD home, it was a horrible horrible time but you carry on. I am lot more emotionally stronger then I was then (complications in preg, prem baby, icu, scbu, both at deaths door, fraught time for everyone) and it wasn't a battle I could face then. Luckily I went to DM for a month afterwards, she helped me whilst DH sorted out our housing situation and found us temp accommodation. Sorry I'm rambling

OP posts:

Original poster

GlitterTwinkleToes · 15/04/2015 21:20

Katie Yes! Sounds very familiar haha!

Thank you Moonshine and Feneller, two more MNer's backing my point up.

OP posts:

SisterMoonshine · 15/04/2015 21:21

Also, it does sound like your DH knows he needs to say 'no' now. But just wants to be told it's okay for him to say 'no'.
It sounds like it is difficult for him to stand up to his mum.

He will have thought that helping his brother out is the right thing to do.
But things have changed now he has DC. And doing the right thing by her is the right thing to.

expatinscotland · 15/04/2015 21:23

No fucking way he'd come over again.

maliaki · 15/04/2015 21:29

YANBU OP and frankly your MIL shows how much she favours her 'golden boy' over her DGC which should be a kick up your DHs arse that, sadly, when it comes to golden children the non golden one cannot ever measure up and nor will the GC. Even if they bend over backwards for parents or golden one. So he should think on that and be the one to put his family first when PIL won't.

I know someone with a toxic family life in which one was favouritised and one guilted, I'd suggest your DH googles Fear Obligation Guilt (FOG) it may be a bit of a shock...

Your BIL sounds toxic, your PIL didn't set him straight and be fair to all their children, your DH needs to protect you and DC from him and the favourtism.

ebwy · 15/04/2015 21:40

you'd have to be stupid to let that manchild back in.
presuming your husband isn't stupid, he knows the answer is "hell no!"

karinmaria · 15/04/2015 21:48

Another YADNBU!

I don't even know what to say BIL sounds so fucking horrendous. Your DD comes first.

Griphook · 15/04/2015 21:49

Op it sounds really shit and yanbu

I've been in a similar situation (no where near as bad) and yanbu to say bil can't stay with you!
But through you saying he can't stay I could almost guarantee that dh o will hold you to blame for not letting him stay. ( it won't be but people like Bil and mil are manipulating taking advantage of types) and it will cause resentment between DH and you.

Make your dh make the choice to not let bil stay and then have the courage to stick by his choice ( and tell mil, rather than dh absolving himself of the responsibility by saying it too hard to choose, and making you the scape goat. Get him to stand up to mil rather than standing behind you.

People like bil are amazing at pushing the blame onto others and placing the blame for the outcome on others.

If he choose to let bil then he makes the decision to move out.

I say this as someone who didn't let someone stay and the fact that they had no where to go was somehow MY fault.

Original poster

GlitterTwinkleToes · 15/04/2015 22:03

Griphook I told him earlier, he and his family could blame me to the ends of the earth and back, was I hell letting his brother take one step in my home. If he didn't like it, he could lump it.

UPDATE

DH has read all the responses. Looking at it all wrote down he agrees how awful his brother has treated me and our home. Selective memory he has, he'd forgotten several parts of his brother staying there and the mess which he left (two black bags full). He's told his brother that he's not to contact him if he's homeless again in a couple of days. Phones off and we're going to relax and chill now. Thank you all for your responses.

OP posts:

Griphook · 15/04/2015 22:55

Well done and glad dh has taken a stance

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