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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let BIL move in again

71 replies

GlitterTwinkleToes · 15/04/2015 19:38

My DH BIL has been made homeless, again!
This is the 5th time in a year he's been chucked out. Reasons being that he's a dirty bastard and failure to pay rent.

He's stayed with us twice before, 1st time when I was in hospital having DD, came home from the hospital to find him there. Three weeks he was there! Worst time of my life, I felt banished to the bedroom coupled with a newborn who cried constantly (silent reflux) and with no bloody support from DH!
Second time was over new years for another two weeks until I lost my shit and called the police to chuck him and DH out. He didn't bathe once when staying with us, he stank out my flat, after telling him to get in the bath and bloody wash several times a day he still didn't didn't [boak]
He smokes way too much, I kicked off as we have a balcony for smoking, never in the flat, I caught him lighting up in the front room out of the window. The prick burnt my expensive curtains. Still waiting for the money to be refunded for new ones and trashed my front room with beer cans, takeaway boxes and dirty clothes.
Coupled with the fact he's a heavy drinker, came home one time to find him shagging in my bed with a girl who wasn't his gf, the fact he thinks its hilarious to pretend to give my 14mo DD alcohol (I'm not ashamed to say he had a black eye from me) and that he's just a general prick and I cant stand him. He expected me to cook for him and gave me three black bags full of stinking washing to do (went straight out into the garden, there's a thing called a laundrette, or a clever idea, do it your fucking self) with no contribution. I wasn't asking much, £20 to cover the cost of extra food, and the elec shot up whilst he was staying.
Me and DH actually split up for a few months because I was so angry with him for not protecting his daughter from this specimen (I'm big and ugly enough to protect myself) and for just being a fucking coward.
Him and DH are not even close, the only time he ever hears off him is for money Or to ask if he can stay because he's been kicked out.
Now phone call this morning off him begging to stay because he's been kicked out because he's got scabies amongst other things and his gf doesn't want him near her. As soon as I heard his name, my expression changed and DH backtracked as soon as he saw this. Told him he's sorry but he can't help him, go ask friend blah blah blah. The problem being BIL has burnt all bridges with his friends, and frankly i couldn't give a shit.
MIL has been ringing all day saying how family is so important (she can't help, she's working in another country at the moment) and basically trying to guilt trip DH into letting BIL stay.
He says he's feeling torn between me and him and doesn't know what to do. I've told him there's such a thing as a B+B or hotel and if he's pissed his money up the wall then that's his problem.

Sorry didn't realise it was going to be so wrong Blush

AiBU?

OP posts:
IFinishedTheBiscuits · 15/04/2015 20:01

I mean, is he a hardened drinker or does he think he's Jack the Lad? With the second hopefully he'll grow up one day. Otherwise, not hopeful.

Original poster
GlitterTwinkleToes · 15/04/2015 20:01

He's 37, 12 years older than DH but expects handouts at least every month.

OP posts:
Original poster
GlitterTwinkleToes · 15/04/2015 20:01

Jack the lad drinker.

OP posts:
CoveredInWit · 15/04/2015 20:03

Here follows the longest acronym I've used in a while;
OMFG YADDDDNBU, FFS!

Fluffyears · 15/04/2015 20:04

Scabies! Oh you'll all get it if he stays tell MIL that and ask why she wants to risk grandchilds health. Scabies come from being unclean, do not let him near your home!

Madamecastafiore · 15/04/2015 20:04

Your DH and his mother is facilitating him being a complete fuck up. Let him take the consequences of homelessness. He obviously either cares not enough about being homeless or thinks Glitter's DH will not have enough respect for her to refuse me lodgings.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 15/04/2015 20:04

I'd say up to 30 maybe he'll 'grow up'. 37.. Not so likely.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 15/04/2015 20:05

Give this to the pair of them to read & don't go near your Dhaka if he's been in contact with your bil.

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Scabies/Pages/Introduction.aspx

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 15/04/2015 20:06

Yep, at 37, this is pretty much set in stone.

Just remind your DH if he gives his brother a home, DH will longer have one himself.

KatieKaye · 15/04/2015 20:06

do not let this dirty feckless waster anywhere near your home.
he makes crap decisions - let him experience the consequences.
he has enough money for booze and fags but not for his rent? yeah, right

Oh, and he's a sexist pig into the bargain. Not to mention thick as shit with no boundaries.

Time he learnt to stand on his own two feet.

let MIL have the pleasure of his company for a while.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 15/04/2015 20:07

Don't go near your dh not Dhaka!

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 15/04/2015 20:07

Agree with Madame, I think he probably needs to reach rock bottom before he makes the decision to change.

rollonthesummer · 15/04/2015 20:11

Where's the money that his mum sent him for rent on Friday?

MagelanicClouds · 15/04/2015 20:16

YANBU!
Scabies? Boak! Don't let him in!
Your DH should put your DC first. You'd think after what you'd described he'd have had quite enough of his brother.
Def YANBU

Triliteral · 15/04/2015 20:16

Scabies doesn't always come from being dirty. It can be passed on via towels and bedding though, and the cure requires you to paint yourself all over with unpleasant insecticides and leave them on for twenty four hours. Don't allow this person anywhere near your child.

YANBU

Original poster
GlitterTwinkleToes · 15/04/2015 20:17

He will not be coming into my home, at all. DH knows the score, he will be out as well (he has no legal residence in the flat, his fault for turning up too late to sign the contracts)

In regards to the money, I have no idea what he's squandered it on. His current rent arrears is just over £500, he has a job so should be able to support himself, a gf who splashes out the cash on designer clothes and trainers which has ultimately destroyed, said gf wants nothing to do with him whilst he has scabies.

OP posts:
geekymommy · 15/04/2015 20:20

Scabies can be spread through shared towels or bedding. How on earth could anyone possibly think it's unreasonable for you to not let someone with scabies stay in your flat? And that's ignoring all the other unreasonable things he has done while staying with you in the past.

ICantDecideOnAUsername · 15/04/2015 20:24

Another vote for YANBU.

You've done your duty and been (metaphorically) slapped in the face for it. There is no way I'd have a man like that in my house, especially with a young child.

I'm surprise he's not yet been invited to stay at Her Majesty's Pleasure. Although it might be the best thing for him.

Does you mil know the whole story? If she gets her side from your bil and your dh is not brave enough to to enlighten her she may not know exactly what he is like.

insightally · 15/04/2015 20:28

Even 10% of the things you've posted about, with regard to his behaviour towards your house, money, your DD, etc, would be enough for you to (quite reasonably) not let him back in.

Your DH should be ashamed for not standing up for you all as 1 family unit.

MIL and your DH can hand-wring all they want, but you've shown kindness in the past, and it's been returned with nothing but piss-taking and general harm to your own family unit (I cannot believe that someone would behave so appallingly when you had your DD - no wonder your spineless husband and you had to separate for a while afterwards, that's a particularly vulnerable time when you needed support, love and general bonding together, and he utterly failed to facilitate that).

In fact, if your DH and MIL truly care for the brother, the best they could do is stop enabling him - getting kicked out of your home for not paying rent? smoking in someone's flat despite being asked not to? not paying even basic amounts towards upkeep? a general lack of respect? he sounds like he needs more help with his overall life than a quick kip in the spare room for a few weeks will offer. it would be better for someone to put a stop to it - it's not your, or your DH's responsibility, to bail out someone over and over again to the detriment to your own family, finances, marriage, etc etc.

please show your (spineless but probably emotionally conflicted) DH the replies on this thread.

KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon · 15/04/2015 20:29

Scabies is grim.

Lots of boil washing, creams to apply and you have to keep very clean.

And it's not something you want passed around, It is contagious.

Hillingdon · 15/04/2015 20:32

It's funny how people seem to think they can manage situations from afar!

Tell the MIL to send him the plane fare and can stay with her! No- I didnt think so!

Original poster
GlitterTwinkleToes · 15/04/2015 20:34

BIL is MIL Golden Boy. Can not do anything wrong in her eyes.
Her and DH have a fractured relationship at the best of times, she's never met DD, but is such a hypocrite in regards to family should stick together.
DH has and probably will always be seeking her approval (its sad to see a grown man act like a little lost boy regarding his mother) but he now knows that if his BIL steps foot inside, he will be gone. He's even said so himself.
Sorry if I am drip feeding, so much complex stuff in his family that I tried and get the most basic in original post, but answering posters questions.

OP posts:
Original poster
GlitterTwinkleToes · 15/04/2015 20:36

I've offered the one way fare for BIL to fuck off over to Italy and stay there be bloody rid of him for good but he has "too many commitments"

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 15/04/2015 20:36

Scabies comes from coming into contact with scabies, not from being dirty. But it's horrible and for that above all other reasons the answer is obviously no.

Whocansay · 15/04/2015 20:39

Go on the NHS website, find out what scabies are and let your dh read it. Then ask him if he thinks that's a good thing to have in your home and round your child.

If he even hesitates, tell him to fuck off as well.

And that's ignoring all the other shit. I can't believe he even asked you.