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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to know what you would advise DD to do?

48 replies

Throwawaynickname · 15/04/2015 12:06

I'll try and keep things brief. My DD is 19 and had almost completed her first year of university (professional course) when she left to have an unplanned baby. Due to her extreme morning sickness she could not finish the first year of the course. We were disappointed but supportive of her choice, even though the baby's father has not contacted her since. He still studies at her previous university.

However, she does not know what to do now. She could potentially go back to do the same course at the same university but this would mean moving two hours away with her DC at 19 and she would have to start the year again. There are no universities near us that do this course so there's no option of staying at home and completing her professional course. She isn't sure that she wants to continue this course but it's the best for a single mother (steady income, job in demand, good holidays)
She could potentially stay at home and do another course at the local university with a conversion to her chosen profession afterwards but this would take four years in total and seems a very indirect route to get back where she was before. If she starts a course in September, she would graduate before her DC goes to school which is important to her. Her childcare would be funded wherever she goes, although it may be too late to find a childcare place in the nurseries she would like.

Time is running out to make a decision. What would you advise?

OP posts:

bumblebreed · 15/04/2015 12:17

Depending on what the course is and her child care options, she might be wiser to forget all about it and go straight into the employment market.

I'm speaking as someone who went to Uni and now regrets it, I'd be much better off financially if I'd just gone to work and hadn't bothered.

I think society puts a lot of pressure on young people that they 'have' to get a degree or some sort of higher qualification when in reality there are other routes available. If going to Uni isn't practical for her right now there are other choices.

I really hope your daughter finds a way to do what she wants and I'm sorry to hear that her child's father is such a disappointment.

LowryFan · 15/04/2015 12:20

She isn't sure about the course - does it lead to a career she wants?

On paper, I 'ought' to be a teacher but I know it's not the career for me. (Funnily enough my mum was the same).

If she doesn't want the job, don't waste time at uni. Or choose a better course. I didn't go to Uni and I am doing ok, and things have fallen into place but I can't deny 'just having a degree in anything' would have been handy.

Good luck to her.

drspouse · 15/04/2015 12:22

I'm assuming this is teaching and in the long run it does sound like a good prospect for her. If she can do the undergrad degree at home and possibly the PGCE too I would have said the lovely idea of graduating before her DC started school might just have to be the sacrifice - especially if you are able to help flexibly with childcare. Just check that the undergrad degree she wants to do is really one that feeds into PGCE as some don't - but it's more flexible to have a non-education undergrad degree as some friends have found to their cost.

It's not the same at all, but I and a friend both did appallingly in our first year of university and I switched degrees, she stayed on the same degree, picked up in 2nd year and then had to repeat 3rd year (again professional course so that wasn't her final year).

Both of us graduated a year or two later than we would have done if we'd started straight away and gone straight through on the course that we found was right for us (ultimately in each case). We felt a little like old ladies being just a year older but we became firm friends (still are now in our 40s!). I bet she'll meet other student parents too and that will be a great social support group for her.

She's still very young and will not be at a disadvantage at all with being a year or two behind.

Ineedtimeoff · 15/04/2015 12:22

I would say local uni so that she has your support. It's difficult enough being a young single mum add in being away from home and studying, its difficult but not impossible. The 4 years will pass quick and it means she will have lots of time outside of uni to look after her child. I wish you all well

WombatStewForTea · 15/04/2015 12:22

Is her course teaching? If so, with support she'll manage the training but the first few years on the job will be damn hard.

Buttermilly · 15/04/2015 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chickenfuckingpox · 15/04/2015 12:34

can she drive? if she can then two hours is nothing

if the job will be perfect she needs to go quickest route and tough it out yes parenting is hard but she will have to do it alone sooner or later

i say go for it!

nottheOP · 15/04/2015 12:36

Open University?
Apprenticeship?

base9 · 15/04/2015 12:52

I think going back to uni with a baby and having to cover higher living costs and giving up family support is madness, just to avoid an extra year. How much support would she have at home? Can she live with you rentfree? Are you willing to do some childcare? Because it is not just about being able to exist at uni- this is 3 or 4 years of her child's life, and if she could be home and is happy there, somewhere that after a long hard day maybe someone else has bathed her toddler and made dinner... wow. No contest.

However that is the best-case scenario of her being at home. If it is going to be strops and arguments and fighting for control and resentment and imposition.... well, that is another story.

Quitelikely · 15/04/2015 12:58

You said she had completed a year. Then you said if she goes back she will have to complete the year again?

Anyhow, the best bet is for her to stay close to home.

I do not think she realises how exhausted she is going to be looking after s baby and trying to study in the evenings. It's very, very hard. And very very lonely. I know.

I'm thinking she is planning on studying during the day which is possible but this will all take its toll on her wellbeing.

Also it's going to be very hard for her to get out and about to meet other mummy's. She will be split three ways. Class/study-assignments/mummy and to compound it all possibly quite lonely.

Or I'm thinking she could take the baby to you on a weekend whilst she catches up on study?

Either way shes not going to have much time to her 19 year old self.

wanttosqueezeyou · 15/04/2015 12:59

What will happen when her baby picks something up at nursery? Will she have support there? She needs to think about stuff like that.

ragged · 15/04/2015 13:06

Need to spell out details on the support system she would have for local 4 yrs vs. remote (?) 3 yr course. My gut feeling is remote 3 yrs, students normally go to top of list for campus nursery.

ilovesooty · 15/04/2015 13:35

She isn't sure that she wants to continue this course

I'd suggest that at the very least she takes another year out to get used to her changed circumstances and be better placed to decide.

drspouse · 15/04/2015 14:12

You said she had completed a year. Then you said if she goes back she will have to complete the year again?

It sounds like she couldn't do her exams due to being unwell with the pregnancy.
Sometimes you can just do the exams but if you miss too much coursework you have to do that again too.
My friend I mentioned only had to do the exams again but had to do mid-year and end of year exams. She worked in a pub I think to make ends meet while waiting to take them again, but if she'd had coursework to do through the year she might have had to attend again.

TheListingAttic · 15/04/2015 14:19

A LOT depends on the course and the job it would hopefully lead to. If it is teaching, as some have guessed, and she's uncertain about the job (I couldn't tell from your post whether she was uncertain about doing the same course or the job it would lead to) then I'd advise caution - it's a hard job for those who are whole-heartedly committed to it, and if she's doubtful already I'd think twice.

But, as I say, a lot depends on what the course/job are as to the wisest course of action.

loveareadingthanks · 15/04/2015 14:47

I doubt it's teaching if it isn't available anywhere nearer than 2 hours away.

Does the uni she was already at offer a distance learning option? If not, how much actual lecture time is there? Would she really need to move there or could she commute and do the rest at home. A lot of students only have lectures a couple of times a week and the rest is independent study.

drspouse · 15/04/2015 15:12

I doubt it's teaching if it isn't available anywhere nearer than 2 hours away

The BEd courses are becoming quite few and far between, and that's especially true for subjects other than primary education.

I know we're all second guessing but one issue with a BEd is the placements - they can be anywhere and start very early morning - a real pain for childcare.

SisterSage · 15/04/2015 15:58

I am almost in your daughter's position, except on a graduate entry medical course. I've chosen to move away from family so I can complete my course as soon as possible. I do have a supportive DP, but he works shifts so is not hugely helpful from a childcare angle. How helpful will her university be about her having to take time off if the baby is sick etc? How many contact hours does she have? Could she condense them? She should still get a nursery place but will have to start looking asap!

Original poster

Throwawaynickname · 15/04/2015 19:53

Yes, the course is teaching. There are nearer courses but none she can commute to (she doesn't drive and they wouldn't be easy drives either). I know it isn't a course you can do half heartedly but I really feel she's well suited to it, just lacks confidence which hopefully her DC should give her.
It's a very full on course with lectures 4/5 days a week and long placements though she should be able to do them at home

There is support for her at home, we both work but I'm usually around in the day as I do night shifts so at a push, there's childcare. There's also other family around

OP posts:

MeggyMooAndTinkerToo · 15/04/2015 20:13

I would advise her to do the local course and then the conversion course. Studying and having a baby with no family support would be stressful. At home she would have support and help with childcare. The placements for teaching can be very draining.

mummytime · 15/04/2015 20:25

If it is teaching - I would definitely advise doing a different degree close to home, then doing the conversion if she wants. Teaching is not a "family friendly" career, and as a single parent she will need a lot of back up support if she still wants to do that. (When I was doing a PGCE I was getting up at 4/5 am, and not getting to sleep until 11, and still struggling, and my children were older. I quit.)

If she has a non-teaching degree there are far more careers she could pursue, or she could train for teaching.

Pico2 · 15/04/2015 20:41

I agree with others - teaching isn't necessarily a family friendly career. I moved from teaching to a different graduate career which is working out to be at least as family friendly as I am able to leave the office on time and focus on my DDs. Teaching is rather all consuming.

I'd go for either a different degree or even straight to work. There are plenty of opportunities that don't require a degree. Inevitably your DD will miss out on some aspects of student life wherever she studies and will rack up debt. So it is worth considering alternatives to university.

ShouldIworryornothelp · 15/04/2015 20:41

Could you have baby in term time so she can study?

Sorry if already suggested!

base9 · 15/04/2015 21:17

As it sounds like she has lots of practical support at home, I would go for the non-education degree near home + PGCE. She would have a good degree in an area she may want to carry on, and she could still go into teaching via the postgrad course if she wants to.

She should also learn to drive straight away. I would never want my child's choices to be constrained by lack of the ability to drive a car.

Coyoacan · 15/04/2015 21:22

I am a bit surprised at people here who are saying it is too hard to study and look after a small baby. I did it and really enjoyed it all.

But certainly if she were to travel two hours there and back everyday that would be four hours a day that she was neither studying nor with her baby, that would be hell.

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