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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to call a day on presents for siblings now that we're all over 40?

37 replies

hidingfromthem · 14/04/2015 19:52

Sick of doing presents (birthday and christmas) for siblings year in year out. There are 3 of us, all over 40. one sibling wants to stop, the other is adamant they don't. i would very much like to call it a day.

OP posts:
LipglossHoney · 14/04/2015 19:55

Start buying really terrible presents so they beg you to stop Grin

AndHarry · 14/04/2015 19:55

You and agreeing sibling stop, disagreeing sibling continues to buy presents for you :o

Not really. Just agree an upper spending limit with disagreeing sibling and do presents with them, or do a non-secret Santa so you all buy 1 present and receive 1 present.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 14/04/2015 19:56

the one who wants to carry on - do they want to carry on GIVING or are they keen to carry on RECEIVING?

If the former, and they expect nothing in return, I see no problem. There are all sorts of reasons why adult siblings are not equal and no one shold EXPECT to recieve a gift just because they are your sibling.

what would happen if the other 2 just stopped buying for them? a strop? a massive fall out in the family? are your parents still around and have strong feelings on the matter?

ljwales · 14/04/2015 19:56

Yanbu.

Although here mn people think adults presents should still be a big thing, I got a roasting for not wanting to buy any adults in my family presents anymore.

Tommy · 14/04/2015 19:58

we do secret santa at Christmas and don't generally bother for birthdays unless it's a special one. It seems to work fine - if I were you and your non-present sibling, I would just stop buying them and see how long it takes for the others to stop as well!

XiCi · 14/04/2015 20:06

Why should you stop giving or receiving presents just because you are over 40?

Sounds bloody miserable to me

Original poster
hidingfromthem · 14/04/2015 20:09

parents still alive and we buy a big present between us for the parents at christmas, wedding anniversary and birthdays. smaller present for easter, mother's day and father's day. i'm ok with that of course.

if i gave a shit present, or no present at all to siblings, there would most definitely be tears on christmas day and on birthdays from the one who doesn't want to stop sibling presents.
i suspect my parents think we should continue with sibling presents. i would never ask mind you as that would cause ructions.

we spend around £40 on each other and its not the money but having to find something in the shops each time.
neither sibling needs anything and none of us likes tat.
i'm at the stage where i just ask for a shopping voucher each time because i don't need or want anything any more.

OP posts:
ChillySundays · 14/04/2015 20:13

I know how you feel OP as in a similar position. If I remember rightly the reply to the suggestion was 'but I like getting presents'. Thought we were 5 years old all over again!

Original poster
hidingfromthem · 14/04/2015 20:13

forgot to add in answer to the question above - sibling who wants to continue wants to carry on both giving and receiving presents.

OP posts:
Original poster
hidingfromthem · 14/04/2015 20:14

yeah i got accused of being 'humbuggy' at christmas when i suggested that we call it a day for the following year.

OP posts:
Gillian1980 · 14/04/2015 20:14

Yanbu.

Me and my brother stopped birthday present last year, aged 35 & 37. Neither of us need anything and as we live ages away from one another it is a pain to post too.

We still do Xmas presents and presents for the kids though.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 14/04/2015 20:21

SILs exDP was from a family where they all sat around on xmas day and exchanged vouchers for their favourite stores, all for the same pre-decided amount Confused what's the point of that?!
He was delighted when our family included him with token gifts like wine and chocolates when he visted ILs at xmas with SIL, as he was not used to geting gifts!

an adult in tears over not getting a gift is a very good reason NOT to get them one, it means they have lost the whole point about giving and receiving and being grateful.

the only exception i would make is that we do tend to treat BIL(who is married with kids, so we also buy for his wife and their DCs) differently to SIL who is on her own with no kids and therefore gets fewer presents, and is not teribbly well off either so we do like to get her treats like fave smellies, and vouchers she will really enjoy that are more in value compared to what we buy BIL.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 14/04/2015 20:23

does the sibling who wants to carry this on have partner/dc of their own to buy for and recieve from?

Qwebec · 14/04/2015 20:26

what did present sibling say to non secret santa?

I know
agree with siblings to all exchange 40£ vouchers or even better bills!
you all give 80£ and go back home with 80£!
Like that you get to not to gift giving while while gift loving sibling gets to do it. I'm a genius!

seriously, why not downscale gifts to 20£. I give fine cooking ingredients every year to my brother. Easy peasy.
If only one wants to continue, I think s/he needs to accept to compromise.

reni1 · 14/04/2015 20:31

We stopped. I really miss presents, I miss giving more than receiving.

Original poster
hidingfromthem · 14/04/2015 20:32

yes, sibling has partner and DC to buy for.
plus they buy for all partner's siblings, and nieces and nephews at xmas and birthdays.

secret santa would not work for us as we are only 3 siblings and the one who likes the presents wouldn't do it anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
hidingfromthem · 14/04/2015 20:33

i don't want to downscale even to 20 quid. i just want to stop on principle.

OP posts:
snowpo · 14/04/2015 20:41

Oh god I would love this. I find it so stressful trying to think of interesting & original gifts. They have everything they want or buy it if they don't. Don't see the point in buying another bottle of port. DB would agree but SIL thinks we're miserable. She's probably right.

Qwebec · 14/04/2015 20:53

Even if you are three: a gives to b, b to c, c to a.
If she is not willing to compromise, well tough luck, you two form the majority and she can't force you to give her a gift.

jessym · 14/04/2015 20:53

We just give token gifts at Christmas. A nice bottle of wine, perhaps.

Siblings are fine, but my mum is a nightmare. She insists on spending £££ on all of us, despite being repeatedly asked not to. One year she spent hundreds on a digital TV recording box blu Ray thingy that we neither needed or wanted. We would all prefer her to spend the dosh on herself.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 14/04/2015 20:55

at the end of the day, no one can force you to buy a present for someone else. Just stop. If they strop and cry that says so much more about them than you!

Doje · 14/04/2015 21:06

We do secret Santa amongst siblings now too. It's a bit of a relief as there's more and more babies around these days. I do miss buying presents for everyone, but all of my sibling's birthdays are December or January so I get to buy them individual presents anyway!

HalfATankini · 14/04/2015 21:07

We only buy for kids at Christmas but for adults at birthdays. It's quite nice as birthdays feel a bit more special but Christmas doesn't get mad-expensive.

Although it helps that we all have 3 kids so we're all spending the same.

I also am utterly Confused at people who swap pre-determined amounts of vouchers or even presents that have been specified. What is the point of that?!

Momagain1 · 14/04/2015 21:16

Very glad we sort of naturally stopped in our twenties, when we were all usually skint. If we were actually going to see each other on the day, we might get each other a small gift, often a useful gift. Or booze. But other than that, nada.

We dont get each others kids gifts either. Or at least, they never got mine any. And when the rest of them joined the world of parenting a decade after me, I returned the favor other than a new baby gift, again, unless we would see them at mom's house on the day.

Hygellig · 14/04/2015 21:18

Yanbu. I'd like to stop doing this with my sister (we're in our 30s). We just end up suggesting something that the other can buy from Amazon when we could just as easily buy it ourselves.