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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... To be concerned by bed making behaviour?

62 replies

beezlebop · 14/04/2015 01:13

This may sound odd, but what would you feel if your long term partner, kids etc together, only makes his side of the bed? Every day he just makes his side. Leaves mine. If I make the bed I do it all. We do have our problems, supposedly related to depression. IMHO he is a bit ea, bit narcissistic. AIBU for this to be worrying me as showing he will never change ?

OP posts:

maddening · 14/04/2015 22:32

Well in my relationship I would probably have messed his side up and made mine as a dig, however - your relationship is not stable from what you say - how is he ea apart from this event? The fact that you can't approach him about it says a lot.

travertine · 14/04/2015 22:33

My oh will straighten his side and leave mine, he will also do all his washing up and if I have put my coffee mug in there he won't wash it. have given up trying to understand it.

Momagain1 · 14/04/2015 22:42

I wouldnt think much of it. Most days each of us pull up the covers on our own side without taking notice of whether the other has done their side. on any given day, one of us may go back in the room later and may or may not notice only one side is done, and may or may not do the other.

That one of you is fretting over it is more a sign of things going wrong between you than the other simply tidying up their own side and getting on with the next morning task.

UnsolvedMystery · 14/04/2015 22:47

We both do that. Nothing sinister in it at all, we just pull the quilt up on our own side. No need to walk round the other side of the bed as the other person will do it.
I think the layout of your bedroom might make a difference. In our old house, it was quite awkward to get round my side of the bed.

HappyIdiot · 14/04/2015 23:03

Dh often does this. He thinks it's wrong to sit on an unmade bed to put his shoes and socks on. Something to do with making the sheets dirty
So he makes his side, puts his shoes on and doesn't do my side. I find it mildly irritating and throw the odd passive aggressive comment his way.

RusticBlush · 14/04/2015 23:13

Is it not more hard work to make up half a bed rather than the whole thing ?

Momagain1 · 14/04/2015 23:20

How can it be more work to do half a job?

MeggyMooAndTinkerToo · 14/04/2015 23:23

Do people not straighten the bottom sheet, plump pillows and shake the full duvet?

TheSilveryPussycat · 15/04/2015 00:52

In the days when Ex and I shared a bed, it didn't get made till bedtime. I would straighten the whole bed, if I was first up, but if he was, he'd only do his side.

He was a lazy entitled passive-aggressive cocklodger and I think this was part of it.

RusticBlush · 15/04/2015 07:57

Because moma you would have to do a dam good job of not making the other half up whilst straightening sheet and fluffing duvet up etc !

nooka · 15/04/2015 08:09

I don't have a bottom sheet to straighten, like my pillows moulded nicely into shape and just pull the duvet up to make it look neater. Generally bed making to me consists of putting my pjs on the bed and flipping the duvet over to cover them. It's no bother to pull up dh's side as I leave the room but I don't always do so. More of a hassle for him to do my side as it's the other side of the bed to the door.

He does strip and make the bed every week though. He has done the washing all of our life together, including times when he has been a lovely husband and times when he has been a complete arse. For us it wouldn't be a good indicator of anything, but that's not to say the same is true for the OP.

2rebecca · 15/04/2015 08:27

Why aren't you automatically making your side up when you get out of bed? If this is a regular thing he's maybe making a point about your laziness. If you aren't bothered about making up your side of the bed why should he be? We both work and I don't have time for unnecessary tasks like sorting out my husbands side of the bed. I am not his maid. If he wants the bottom sheet unwrinkled he does it when he gets up same for me

HolgerDanske · 15/04/2015 08:56

I don't make my bed straight away when I get up - I prefer to leave the bed to air for a bit. I usually make it just before I leave the house.

I wouldn't appreciate someone taking the time to do half the bed and not bothering with my half, unless there are actually practical reasons as some have outlined.

moggiek · 15/04/2015 09:04

I don't think there's anything sinister in this, just that well known male phenomenon called 'I cba walking around the bed to make up your side, but I can't be accused of not making the bed, because I've done mine'.

2rebecca · 15/04/2015 09:15

It depends on whether the same person is left making the bed. If my husband preferred to let the bed air but never bothered to remake it and left the job to me I'd get pissed off.

ladymariner · 15/04/2015 09:25

Well, all these years and I always learn something new....never occurred to me to only make your own side of the bed, how bizarre! In our house, last one out of it makes it, I'd be mightily pissed if dh only made his half. And as for only doing his own washing up and leaving my coffee cup.....that's just ridiculous, I'd think he was a complete arsehole if he did that.

hunibuni · 15/04/2015 09:27

I do this I'm usually up before DH so I straighten and tidy up my side of the bed and room. DH is big enough to sort out his side of the bed. On the odd occasion that he complains about it I do point out to him that when he has been up before me he finds the full bed made up and the mess on his side tidied away when he comes up. I got fed up with waiting for him to do the same for me so I just do my bit.

I know that he can keep the place clean and tidy when I'm out at work so I don't see why he can't do it when I'm here. After shit loads some arguements about it we agreed that unless he pulled his weight and tidied his mess it would stay exactly where it was. If he leaves clothes etc on his side of the bed then that is where they will stay. He can't tell the DC off about any mess in their rooms etc unless he has cleaned his side otherwise he is being a hypocrite. Generally speaking he is a tidy person so i know the longest I would have to wait is 3-4 days before he gets annoyed and does it. We both work so I see no reason why I should be the only person to do stuff.

HolgerDanske · 15/04/2015 09:33

Oh but that makes sense - You can't very well make the whole of the bed when he's sleeping in it, can you

And being responsible for your own side of the room is perfectly reasonable too.

Difference here is OP does make the bed when it falls to her to do it, so there doesn't seem to be an imbalance that's he's trying to correct.

Notso · 15/04/2015 09:34

I don't see how you can only make one side. I thought everyone just stood at the foot of the bed and shook the duvet. I am lax at bed making though, DH likes a really smooth bed. I just like my bed.

bunchoffives · 15/04/2015 09:36

Get into his side of the bed

Seriously, was your 'depression' in actual fact a 'symptom' of being married to a selfish twat?

Notso · 15/04/2015 09:37

DH makes the whole bed while I'm in it. On my lie in he stands at the end of the bed and shakes the duvet to smooth it out over me. I love it when he does that, it's like going to bed twice in one sleep.

2rebecca · 15/04/2015 09:39

Why is the OP not selfish for expecting her husband to make her side of the bed rather than making it herself? Expecting other people to do your crappy jobs is selfish?

hunibuni · 15/04/2015 09:43

He has been known to leave his side unmade so when I come into the room it looks like he got up for the loo and never came back whereas my side is all smooth It's annoying but I have learned to breathe and let go unless the red mist desends in which case all bets are off

HolgerDanske · 15/04/2015 09:47

I know OP said 'every day' but later in the OP she says that when she makes the bed she makes all of it. So it seems obvious that she didn't mean that she leaves the bed for him to make every day. It's likely that what she meant is that every time he makes it he only makes his side. That's not fair or loving or kind, when it's not what she does on the days it falls to her.

We also don't know whether or not OP is up and out of the house earlier than her partner most days, in which logistics dictates that on most days it will fall to him to make the bed without it having anything at all to do with laziness or selfishness.

bunchoffives · 15/04/2015 09:47

2rebecca as others have pointed out, it takes some care not to make one half a bed. It is pa at best

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