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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let DS kiss on the lips?

42 replies

Boysclothes · 13/04/2015 22:08

We recently had a couple to stay. Old friends of DH. We have a 3.4 yr DS and their DS is rising 2. He's a nursery worker and she's a teacher and they live in Sweden.

Anyway my DS is very affectionate and likes to give kisses. When he met DHs male friend (P) he gave him a kiss on the lips. P was quite stern with him and said "Thanks for that kiss DS but you must NEVER kiss on the lips". I was taken aback as DS always kisses on the lips, or cheek, or wherever and I've never thought anything of it. I said in a jokey way "don't listen to him DS, you can kiss on the lips!" and P sort of tight-smiled at me.

The next day their DS gave his first ever kiss, apparently he has never done this before. He kissed me on the cheek and then his mum on the lips. P and his wife then had a little conversation about this kiss and she said in a worried way "he kissed me on the lips, I couldn't help it, he wanted to" and P said "I know, we'll have to be really careful not to let him get into that habit".

Am I missing something? They both work with children and essentially I don't know anything about children except my own. Is this not cool to let your own child kiss you on the lips, and maybe other people? Should I be stopping it? They are quite an anxious nervy couple anyway which I did initially put it down to but been thinking I'm not sure I see many three year olds kissing on lips. What to do?

OP posts:

NeedABumChange · 13/04/2015 22:11

Kids in my family have always kissed everyone on the lips. Everyone they are friendly with at appropriate times, goodbye or goodnight iyswim. Probably up until age 6/7. Its very normal to me.

tortoisesarefab · 13/04/2015 22:12

I don't see a problem with it. My Ds kisses me and family on the lips but to be honest, I am not sure I would be comfortable with a friends dc doing so. I would probably turn my head and let them kiss my cheek.

NeedABumChange · 13/04/2015 22:12

They sound as though they are overly concerned with being seen to be correct, which given their professions is slightly understandable but to not let your own child kiss you on the lips is a bit odd.

thetroubleis · 13/04/2015 22:12

Erm... Well, all the little ones at about 5 and under I know kiss on the lips.

The only reason they sort of pack it in around 5yo is because they think it's gross!

monkina · 13/04/2015 22:13

Maybe its a cultural thing, something Swedish?...

I have small children & we always kiss each other on the lips. Nothing odd or wrong with it in my eyes!

I would ask them why they don't like it?....I'd be interested to know!?

dexter73 · 13/04/2015 22:13

I think it is ok to kiss your own ds on the lips if you want to but I wouldn't want to kiss someone else's kid on the lips myself. I wouldn't say anything though, just do a swift turn of the head so he got my cheek instead. I suppose if they work with kids they are maybe more careful about kissing kids on the lips in case someone gets funny about it.

AliMonkey · 13/04/2015 22:14

I certainly don't see the problem - agreed that when he's a bit older then kissing people on the lips he hardly knows would seem odd, but at the age of 3 I see no issue with it at all - and equally no issue with it at whatever age when it's with close family etc.

So if you're missing something, I am too.

reni1 · 13/04/2015 22:14

What the hell? Your DS is kissing you, how lovely. Soon enough he will decide he's too manly for kisses altogether, so enjoy while it lasts!

BertieBotts · 13/04/2015 22:15

Normal IMO. Perhaps they get a lot of colds in Sweden??

BathshebaDarkstone · 13/04/2015 22:16

DS kisses me on the lips all the time, DH won't let him do it to him, I think it's imposing adult insecurities on to children.

DevonFolk · 13/04/2015 22:21

I'm with dexter. Fine for me and DD to kiss on the lips but I wouldn't want to kiss any other child on the lips and can't imagine anyone wanting DD to kiss them on the lips. My parents certainly wouldn't. I've no idea what she does with her dad.

Ludoole · 13/04/2015 22:22

My ds's are 12 and 15 and still kiss me and their dad on the lips. Everyone else (except grandparents) get a kiss on the cheek.
They've always done it through choice.

EstRusMum · 13/04/2015 22:35

My DS is 10 and I get good night and byebye kisses on the lips every day. These people sound weird.

ifonlyitwasnotme · 13/04/2015 22:36

My DS kisses on the lips I don't have an issue with it. However, I do recall something about it leaving them vulnerable to grooming in later life load of idiots scare mungering again

Meerka · 13/04/2015 22:37

honestly, cultural norms can vary so so much even between countries in the north of europe. Really, the differences may not be that obvious but sometimes they rear up and smack you in between the eyes.

I'd put it down to that and to their professions. Don't sweat it. Their habits are theirs, yours are yours. They'll get over it. if they don't, their kids have seriously inflexible parents and have rather bigger things to worry about it.

MrsNuckyThompson · 13/04/2015 22:41

I'd ask them about it in an open and non-accusatory way. 'I've noticed this worries you. To us this is totally fine and very normal. Is there something about it which worries you?'

Loons.

spectral · 13/04/2015 22:41

We are a family of cheek kissers, just what I'm used to (except between me and DH obv!) but I think it would be VERY ODD to have a problem with your own tiny dc wanting to kiss you on the lips. It's just lovely innocent affection.

Heyho111 · 13/04/2015 22:44

I would not feel comfortable kissing someone else's kid on the lips. I kissed my own on the lips but it would be on a cheek for others. I wouldn't make a fuss if mine kissed someone on the lips but wouldn't encourage it either. I'd say give Molly a kiss on the cheek, rather than give Molly a kiss, to avoid it happening.

toddlerwrangling · 13/04/2015 22:45

Perhaps they are cold sore sufferers and that's why? I don't do it with DD as I get cold sores and want to avoid passing them on - they are most often passed on in childhood. My parents get them and I'd like DD to avoid learning to kiss on the lips for that reason - they can be passed on easily before you know you are getting one, and the virus can shed sometimes when you're asymptomatic too. I make sure to keep mine and DD's drinking cups separate and never to let her drink out of a cup I'm using.

I think it's also possible to transfer some kinds of bacteria that cause tooth decay to children's mouths - eg. my dentist told me never to share a spoon with baby DD as some people have more virulent bacteria in their mouths and it can get easily transferred to a child and cause early tooth decay. I don't know how true that is! but in general because of the coldsore thing I avoid sharing cups/cutlery anyway.

MissMuesli · 13/04/2015 22:47

On other threads I've seen people saying that they don't allow lip kisses because of coldsore risks. Maybe it's that? I worked at a nursery and would encourage cheek kisses of a child wanted a kiss but any child of mine gets a proper lip smooch.

Shinyshoes2 · 13/04/2015 22:48

I don't think I'd let other people children kiss me on the lips , id cheek kiss instead
My 7 year old DD , 14 year old DS and nearly 18 year old DS ALL kiss me on the lips

LondonRocks · 13/04/2015 22:51

Against the grain here but I don't kiss anyone apart from DH (and previous partners when they were relevant) on the lips. It's just what I'm used to.

toddlerwrangling · 13/04/2015 22:55

Just did a quick search and dental advice in some countries includes warning against kissing babies/children on the lips or anything that involves possible "saliva transfer" because of the danger of passing on mouth bacteria. Maybe that's the case in Sweden?

Original poster

Boysclothes · 13/04/2015 23:04

Thanks guys! I can totally understand not wanting to be kissed on the lips by someone else's disgusting toddler, but I think the onus is more on the adult to duck and weave as appropriate rather than reprimand the toddler? And the way he said it was like it was just obviously a rule that you don't kiss anyone on the lips. Anyway, good to know I've not been committing a huge faux pas, I half expected the screaming wrath of MN to descend.

OP posts:

f1fan2001 · 14/04/2015 00:27

It is probably cultural. My little girl was very affectionate and liked to stroke the other children on the arm in her playgroup. When we lived in Switzerland she was told off. We now live in Brazil and it is normal for even grown ups to stroke each other on the arm, give hugs and kisses to people they have just met.

We are heading back to Switzerland and I need to teach my daughter that in Switzerland you cannot kiss and hug your teacher :-o

ps she is only 5 :-)

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