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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let DS kiss on the lips?

42 replies

Boysclothes · 13/04/2015 22:08

We recently had a couple to stay. Old friends of DH. We have a 3.4 yr DS and their DS is rising 2. He's a nursery worker and she's a teacher and they live in Sweden.

Anyway my DS is very affectionate and likes to give kisses. When he met DHs male friend (P) he gave him a kiss on the lips. P was quite stern with him and said "Thanks for that kiss DS but you must NEVER kiss on the lips". I was taken aback as DS always kisses on the lips, or cheek, or wherever and I've never thought anything of it. I said in a jokey way "don't listen to him DS, you can kiss on the lips!" and P sort of tight-smiled at me.

The next day their DS gave his first ever kiss, apparently he has never done this before. He kissed me on the cheek and then his mum on the lips. P and his wife then had a little conversation about this kiss and she said in a worried way "he kissed me on the lips, I couldn't help it, he wanted to" and P said "I know, we'll have to be really careful not to let him get into that habit".

Am I missing something? They both work with children and essentially I don't know anything about children except my own. Is this not cool to let your own child kiss you on the lips, and maybe other people? Should I be stopping it? They are quite an anxious nervy couple anyway which I did initially put it down to but been thinking I'm not sure I see many three year olds kissing on lips. What to do?

OP posts:

sykadelic · 14/04/2015 01:59

I don't personally think children should be kissing each other on the lips no.

For me it's about 2 things. Passing on illnesses for sure, but also that kissing on the lips is reserved for romantic relationships.

IMO it should most definitely be discouraged to anyone but family at the very least.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/04/2015 02:10

DH was initially disgusted at the idea of being kissed on the lips by our DSs (well, DS1 anyway, he'd got over himself by the time DS2 came along!)

I think it's a natural thing for babies and young children to do, but they also grow out of it as they get bigger. DS2 is 2.6 and currently going in for the marathon kissing on the mouth thing - he pretty much holds onto my ears and pulls me into him so I can't get away, and any sign that I'm not breathing is looked upon as encouragement to continue because it's obviously extremely funny!

I'm not sure I'd much like it if it was another family's child/toddler though. I'm not that keen when mine does it, especially if he's a bit damp!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/04/2015 02:12

I also read somewhere that it's good for mothers who breastfeed to kiss their babies on the mouth, because they pick up on any potential pathogens their babies might be harbouring, and can make antibodies to them to pass on in the milk. I have no idea how true that is, but it was certainly a good excuse to kiss my baby more!

maras2 · 14/04/2015 03:28

Our DS is 33 and still kisses me and his dad on the lips.

Crossfitmyarse · 14/04/2015 03:33

I think if he's a nursery worker he has been made hyper-aware of inappropriate behaviour between children and (especially unrelated) adults. I think most small children would kiss their immediate family on the lips, it's a natural instinctive impulse, whereas cheek kissing is a socially constructed etiquette thing.

Perhaps he's become so highly attuned to looking out for over-familiar behaviour in the work setting that he's gone a little paranoid about it.

Italiangreyhound · 14/04/2015 03:45

Boysclothes, maybe his work has something to do with it but to be honest I would not feel comfortable with a friend's child kissing me or my husband on the lips and would not expect one of my kids to do that to anyone else.

My dd kissed me on the lips when little and that was OK but as the kids are older now I would not want them to kiss me on the lips and would not encourage it with me and certainly not with other people.

My kids are now 10 and 4.

I think a kiss on the cheek is just as nice and much more what I would expect from my kids or from other kids etc.

It is totally personal but it is quite hard (in my experience) to get kids out of habits so if you let children do this as younger kids it becomes harder when they are older to know when exactly to say that is not appropriate.

If that is appropriate for other families that is fine.

IMHO for your friends the children are going to pick up on what each other does so it must be hard to explain that it is OK to kiss some people but not others. But it is fair to say that someone does not want you to kiss them on the lips and to try and encourage the child not to do what doesn't feel OK for other people. IMHO it was wrong for your friend to be stern with your child but I think it is fine for him to say he doesn't want your child to kiss him on the lips or for his child to kiss others on the lips, if you see what I mean!

MummyPig24 · 14/04/2015 05:30

I think kissing on the lips is normal. I wouldn't want someone else's child to kiss me on the lips but our relatives pucker up for our children!

Justyouwaitandsee · 14/04/2015 06:19

Wow - reading this thread shows just how confused we are culturally about kissing etiquette, especially compared to other countries which have very well established norms.
I grew up kissing close friends and family members on the lips, remember consciously stopping this myself when I became more body aware and conscious around 8-10. I continued to kiss my parents and brother on the lips (still do in my 30s) and grandparents, although now my grandads have both died and my nans are a bit more frail, I guess I might sometimes kiss them on the cheek instead. To be honest, I don't even know and I think that is important, as I feel it is important not to place adult insecurities onto children. I feel we should be guided by the child and let them do what thry feel comfortable, apart from childcare professionals, who obviously do need to following safeguarding practices - both for them and the child (but again, I think these are mainly guidelines for them in work not in a personal context with all children they know). Interesting to see and read different opinions though.

Hurr1cane · 14/04/2015 06:39

DS kisses his PA on the lips, and most likely his TA and teacher as well.

He's 8 with SN but I don't see the problem, he isn't snogging them.

Older men I know and am friends with often peck on the lips to say goodbye(they are friends of DPs who is older than me and they're older than him so there is a big generational gap.

First time it happened I felt really uncomfortable and DP said that's just how they are with everyone, and they are, hug to all the men, kiss to all the women now I just don't think about it.

It's not really sexual at all is it? It's not like they're slipping the tongue in

MissMuesli · 14/04/2015 11:00

Hurr1cane, I thought you said you were happy for your OH to kiss his TA and PA on the lips!

Hurr1cane · 15/04/2015 06:11

Haha... I don't think they'd be happy with that

RL20 · 15/04/2015 06:24

Interesting thread.
I think how you were brought up plays a lot of a part in how you are with the kissing thing. For example, I grew up with getting kisses from relatives on the cheek, I say relatives but it was only grandmas and grandads. My mum has never been a kissing sort of person from when I was little, and it rubbed off on me so neither am I. I kiss my OH's young daughter when we take her home after a weekend, but prefer to kiss on the cheek. Don't really feel the need to kiss children on the lips, although I might feel differently about that when my own comes along this month!
Not all children want to be kissed on the lips though, or anywhere, my OH's daughter wipes the kisses off her face from her grandparents!

PoppyAmex · 15/04/2015 06:27

It's cultural.

I'm Mediterranean and we are very affectionate and tactile. We greet everyone with two kisses and children are constantly kissed and hugged.

In fact, ever single adult I know still kisses their parents and will get cuddles etc.

Having said that, we don't tend to kiss children on the lips and would find it odd, especially outside the family.

Branleuse · 15/04/2015 06:29

my dp being french only kisses me on the lips because lip kissing is romantic/ sexual.

Its just a culture thing. Theyre not being weird

Coldcabbagestew · 15/04/2015 06:31

I would find lip kissing a bit odd. I'm not sure I've ever kissed my daughters on the lips. They get hundreds of kisses but always on the cheeks (and tummy and bottom and wherever there is squidgy fat)

Footle · 15/04/2015 06:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMook · 15/04/2015 07:03

I come from a family of cheek kissers. Ds2 (2) is very insistent about lip kissing. No chance to dodge. He'll grow out of it.
(He's so slimey, it's like kissing slugs)

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