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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish I could cope on my own?

32 replies

SantanaLopez · 13/04/2015 16:48

DD1 has just turned two and our twins are nearly six months old.

My MIL comes every day and she's an absolute godsend. I couldn't do it without her... but sometimes I really wish I could. Is that weird?

OP posts:
Sidge · 13/04/2015 16:55

I imagine you could manage without her, but if you've never had to then you won't have developed the strategies necessary.

Original poster
SantanaLopez · 13/04/2015 16:57

There just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day without her.

First world problem I know.

OP posts:
Morelikeguidelines · 13/04/2015 17:02

You would cope but if she is happy to come I'm sure it makes things easier and benefits both you and the kids.

DorothyGherkins · 13/04/2015 20:25

You re children are so young, and at the moment totally dependent on you. You must feel absolutely exhausted each day. As long as you get through the day doing just the basics, you are doing really really well. As your children get older and more independent, it will get easier, I promise you! There will come a time when you wont want the help, but take it while you need it. Just one child is a challenge - with three aged two and under - you deserve a medal! You are doing just fine!

Sothisishowitfeels · 13/04/2015 21:08

The thing is that if mil didn't come you WOULD cope. Sometimes having someone to help all of the time actually makes you feel less I'm control and too dependant .

I don't have twins but when dc5 was born I had 3 under 3 plus a 5 and 6 year old and when DH was about to go back to work after paternity leave I remember being totally convinced I wouldn't cope without him. The very first day it was busy but at the end of it I looked back and I had coped!

If you are happy with your mil coming every day then great! But if you feel like you need to take a bit more control I would suggest perhaps asking her to come just for the afternoon one day and just see how it goes.

You will get your own rhythms and your own ways and you CAN cope!Flowers

cleanmyhouse · 13/04/2015 21:28

You would cope on your own, but maybe its better to do more than just cope if you have the help.

I was on my own with a 6 month old and 2year old and yes, i coped but it was really hard and my parents helped a lot.

Its not weird and you'll get there.

AccidentalAnarchist · 13/04/2015 21:29

Genuinely not sounding chippy, but you manage to spend a lot of time on Mumsnet :) (recognise your posting name)

You'd manage :)

Mintyy · 13/04/2015 21:30

When you say "alone", what do you mean? Where is your dh or dp or do you not have one?

meglet · 13/04/2015 21:31

Do you have high standards for housework? Believe me they can be dropped to almost zero Blush .

FatSwan · 13/04/2015 21:33

I totally get what you're saying.

I'm sure you could cope, it'd just take longer and be more challenging.
Everyone needs help, and only a few get it. Takes a village and all that.

irregularegular · 13/04/2015 21:36

I found two under two very hard - I only used to spend short half days on my own with the two of them (oldest continued going to nursery and DH came home early). If DH went away for a weekend I would decamp to my parents. Three under two would have felt almost impossible.

But like the others say, you would probably cope if you had to.

parallax80 · 13/04/2015 21:39

I imagine you could manage without her, but if you've never had to then you won't have developed the strategies necessary.

This.

I have 7 month twins, DS1 was 19months when they were born, I have no local family and no other help, DH works shifts and is sometimes away for a week at a time. It's ok. Intense, frustrating sure, but the kids learn what to expect and how things get done and they do have to cry sometimes as I only have one pair of hands but they are all doing fine and we manage some fun stuff like toddler cooking etc as well as the basics. But it's only because you learn how to take each minute at a time. Sometimes I find it harder when there are other people around as all the routine goes out if the window! You would cope if you had to, and if you don't, well, lucky you! (Does your MIL live near London?)

Original poster
SantanaLopez · 13/04/2015 21:43

Excuse me for needing some downtime Hmm

DH works loads, I know I'm so lucky to have the help. Otherwise I'd be smelly and have greasy hair!

The thought of the twins walking makes me want to throw up.

OP posts:
Purplepoodle · 13/04/2015 21:44

You could cope but it's much nicer to have a helping hand

MammaTJ · 13/04/2015 21:46

Toddler and baby groups may help. Try some of those occasionally and tell her in advance you are going. That will give you both some space.

I have two born 54 weeks apart, not quite what you are going through but a similar kind of hell! This is how I coped!

Purplepoodle · 13/04/2015 21:48

Why martyr yourself having to cope alone when mil willing to muck in. Your probably enjoying your little ones more because mil is helping out. Many people put their older child in play school or chreche to get a little break.

parallax80 · 13/04/2015 21:50

I sometimes am a bit smelly and have greasy hair (usually due to being puked on immediately after showering) but it doesn't really matter now and again. Or at least, I can't be bothered to see it as a problem. And DH still fancies me so it's all good Wink though I did nearly clonk him with something heavy when he mentioned the possibility of #4 the other day

I think when the twins are walking it will be bonkers, chaotic but hilarious. I don't like to think of you feeling sick at the thought - it is a challenging set up to have but it's fun too, no?

Nettymaniaa · 13/04/2015 21:51

It's not a first world problem. It's usual to have people around. And if you want to connect with the online world so you should. You have a lot on be kind to yourself. You will be doing it on your own. Don't feel you have to rush there.

Original poster
SantanaLopez · 13/04/2015 21:56

Thanks :)

DD goes to nursery most mornings which is good but it means we miss a lot of groups.

It's just all three of them going in different directions Shock

OP posts:
OopTheShard · 13/04/2015 21:57

If you have supportive family helping out, take that help and dont worry yourself about it again!

I personally think youre very lucky and its lovely to have family helping out. Looking after three such young children alone, although do-able, would be very isolating and utterly exhausting. Embrace the help you get! Dont feel guilty or weird about it. You'll cope alone if you need to. They'll get easier to manage as they grow up. But for now, it helps you out and I am sure it is building a lovely bond between your DC and their granny.

parallax80 · 13/04/2015 22:04

Haha I know, DH and I were talking about this about an hour ago funnily enough! We couldn't afford to pay for nursery for DS1 and he doesn't get his 15hrs til next spring so I'm hoping the practice as things change little by little will make it ok. We're going camping in August and were seriously debating getting one of those dog tether things to attach their backpack reins to! (Obviously there's always a playpen but I don't think 3 of them will work in there!)

Seriously though, there will be times when it all goes tits up I'm sure but you'll either forget them or laugh at them later for sure. I had a rotten afternoon yesterday when DS1 refused to nap and I ended up having to stick him in the buggy with one arm while holding baby DD in the other (DS2 was asleep in the other side of the buggy) and push buggy home with one hand. DD then pooed all over both of us! But we all survived! And conversely I took them to a wedding at the weekend on my own and they all slept all the way there and back like angels while I listened to MagicClassic FM

You'll be fine. Where are you based? Do you have any twin clubs nearby?

raspberryriot · 13/04/2015 22:05

I was in a similar situation to you 12 years ago. My eldest DS had just turned 15 months when my twin DD's turned up (3 months premature). It was utterly exhausting but somehow I did manage with the help of DH and good friends. We just muddled through and the rest of my life was pretty much put on hold for quite a few years. I must admit that those early years now feel like a bit of a blur. I'm sure that you would cope if you had to - somehow you'd find the inner resources to do it! My mum died when I was a child so I guess I had to learn to become quite independent at a young age. To be honest I find it quite hard asking for help and I probably should have let my MIL get more involved back then but I certainly couldn't have coped with her coming round on a daily basis! I like my space even when it was occupied by screeching babies! DH worked full time and then ended up having to work away all week (still does) so I did try and get out and about at baby groups and friend's houses as much as I could. I do feel for you - it's so hard having 3 very young children but be kind to yourself and know that you're doing the best you can. You'll have good days and hellish ones but it'll work out in the end. I can't believe my tiny twins are off to Secondary School in September!

Original poster
SantanaLopez · 13/04/2015 22:11

It's lovely when they sleep. They were all asleep in a big heap last week, I could have cried it was so lovely. And DD1 is hilarious with them.

We're going to Italy in the summer and I am really looking forward to that. I just feel a bit overwhelmed this week.

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 13/04/2015 22:11

Ah yes toddler and twins - do you get all the "I don't knew how you cope? " comments? I just remember thinking, neither do I. Sadly we don't have family nearby and dh worked a fair commute away so I did it on my own and it can be done but don't if mil is happy to help!
Mine are 7 and 3.5 and it's pretty easy. 7yo definitely doesn't run off and dtds rarely do - if they do I send the very sensible 7yo to get them.
Maybe try having some time without mil just to boost your confidence but only a few hours. Bet you'll suprised yourself.

Original poster
SantanaLopez · 13/04/2015 22:11

Oh gosh secondary school! I have a lovely neighbour who says that's when the worry really starts!

OP posts: