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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PIL and nappy change

36 replies

StarlingMurmuration · 13/04/2015 16:18

First of all, I should say my inlaws are brilliant and I get on very well with them. I suffered from PND after the birth of my DS five months ago and wasn't coping very well and so they've made the 3 hour round trip once a week to help me out. They usually stay here all day, either doing small jobs like helping with the ironing or the hoovering, or looking after DS so that I can do the grocery shopping or even have a little nap. I am very grateful. DS loves them, and they love him and are really good with him.

But... They never change his nappy. Most of the time, that's fine, I just make sure it's done either before I go out, or whenever it needs to be done if we're all in the house together. But there's been a couple of times when I've come back from the shops and they've said, "Oh, I think he may have just done a poo", so I change him straight away but I don't know how long he's been sitting in it. Today, I was napping upstairs for an hour, came down and they said, "He's been doing a bit of straining, we thought we'd leave it til you go up!" I asked when he did it and they said about ten minutes before I got up.

AIBU to think they should change his nappy if he does a poo while I'm out, or at least wake me so I can do it if I'm napping upstairs? It was only ten minutes and he wasn't crying, but he often gets a bit of a sore bum so I don't like him sitting in it. Am I being really ungrateful and PFB?

OP posts:

ApocalypseNowt · 13/04/2015 16:22

Yes definitely. A wet or heavy nappy isn't too bad as modern disposable ones can last overnight and be ok but leaving a baby sitting in a dirty nappy is just not on.

I think you or your dh need to tell them.

Phineyj · 13/04/2015 16:26

They may be unconfident about it. I know my DF and DFIL would both avoid doing any changing (I suspect neither have changed a nappy ever) fortunately DM and DMIL aren't so wet. You and DH need to discuss it with them and do a bit of training possibly as it is not acceptable to not be prepared to do this if alone with a baby.

Original poster

StarlingMurmuration · 13/04/2015 16:42

Ok,my hanks! Good to know I'm not being neurotic. I did wonder if they're just not sure what to do.... I'll offer to show them next week.

OP posts:

wheresthelight · 13/04/2015 16:45

silly question but could it be that they are worries about treading on your toes and "taking over"?

I would have a chat with them and just ask them if they could change him when they notice he is wet or has pooped.

so depending on their age they may have never changed a disposable nappy before - having spent 2 days teaching a friend's dh how to change their baby's nappy it apparently isn't as straightforward to some people as it looks

NerrSnerr · 13/04/2015 16:48

Could you try and say 'he's due a poo, his nappies and stuff are over there if he goes' when you go out next?

Foreverlurking · 13/04/2015 16:50

Just ask them straight why they don't do it, not to cause an argument, In a nice way. Perhaps they could watch first then do it a couple of times with you there if they're not confident. :)

Floisme · 13/04/2015 16:51

No, not unreasonable at all. As others have said, I would just check - nicely - that they remember what to do!

Topseyt · 13/04/2015 17:08

You are not unreasonable, but my guess is that they are nervous of being seen as the "interfering" in-laws, being unsure how to proceed because they think you may have particular ways you like things to be done.

They may be misguided in that, but perhaps need you to tell them tactfully that you are more than happy for them to proceed if his nappy should need changed whilst you aren't available.

They probably also feel out of practice.

Dowser · 13/04/2015 17:14

It's nice you get such help.

AlpacaLypse · 13/04/2015 17:14

I was a dab hand at old fashioned terry nappies (I had three much younger sisters and used to get used as free babysitting by our mum and dad).

However I was completely bemused by disposable nappies, and got into a right pickle the first time I was left in charge of DNiece. After mucking up the first two, I ended up sticking the whole thing down with parcel tape.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if they're not confident of how to do it!

Pastaagain78 · 13/04/2015 17:31

Yanbu, my PIL never changed DS nappy. He would be raw. They were super in every other way with him.Drove us bonkers. In the end we didn't leave him a long time with him.

seaoflove · 13/04/2015 17:38

Sounds like they just don't want to have to deal with poo. I would straight out ask them why they choose to leave him in a soiled nappy.

Meloria · 13/04/2015 17:44

If you're only ten minutes away perhaps they can't be gassed changing the shitty nappy of someone else's child. I know I wouldn't.

Jomato · 13/04/2015 17:50

Maybe they don't feel confident with changing nappies after years of not doing it. I'd just try and raise it as diplomatically as possible. Maybe next time they come tell them that he has had awful nappy rash (blame teething rather than them) so you are now being really careful to change him asap. Ask them to let you know straight away if they notice and check with them that they are happy to change it if you aren't there. That way they won't feel you are getting at them specifically.

meercat23 · 13/04/2015 17:53

Perhaps they are just not sure whether you just want them to watch/be with him or to do things like change him. Is he their first GC? Perhaps you could ask them if they would change him if they are aware he needs it as his skin gets sore if he is left in a dirty nappy.

I know reading these threads you might get the impression that loads of GP are just poised and ready to rush in and take over but I think just as many are cautious about doing things that parents might not want or don't want to tread on toes and need parents to be clear about what is needed.

WhinersAreWeners · 13/04/2015 17:56

Hmm. It's just a bit odd that they would be comfortable leaving him in a dirty nappy really isn't it?!

They sound fab though, what about next time you're with them and he needs his nappy done, passing a nappy, wipes etc to them and saying 'would you mind just changing him- I'm just going to put the kettle on' or something like that, really casually. And see how that goes down. That way if they are trying not to be interfering then that should give them the green light. Or equally, if they're really uncomfortable with it then you should be able to tell.

The thing is, until it's resolved you can't really leave him with them for very long at all. Which is fine if you don't want or need to, but if you do then that's abit of a sticking point!

WhinersAreWeners · 13/04/2015 17:59

I should add, my mil hated anything to do with nappy changing, she used to make me feel awful if dd needed it done while we were there. If they were at ours she would ask me to take her upstairs to change her. We no longer see her- nothing to do with that, but if that had been our only problem with her I'd have been happy as Larry!

MooMaid · 13/04/2015 18:01

Meloria surely nappy is part and parcel of looking after the child. If you 'can't be gassed' then better to be up front and not look after the child than leave it sitting in a shitty nappy

seaoflove · 13/04/2015 18:03

Perhaps they are just not sure whether you just want them to watch/be with him or to do things like change him

They're helping out the OP who's been suffering from PND. I would take that to mean they are full-on babysitting (hence allowing OP to go upstairs and get some sleep). To me, that means taking on all the necessary babycare jobs and not just playing with him. There's just no excuse for leaving a baby soiled. If they can't deal with nappies then they'll just have to start waking OP up - and I have a feeling they know that's a bit mean of them, which is why they haven't so far.

ifgrandmahadawilly · 13/04/2015 18:07

Oh dear, YANBU. Having a dirty nappy changed ASAP is just a basic need. You need to communicate this to them somehow.

Meloria - You sound nice.

Only1scoop · 13/04/2015 18:11

They sound lovely what a kind thing to do.

I think sometimes grandparents etc can be a little reticent about these simple tasks.

HelenaJustina · 13/04/2015 18:12

Tread carefully OP but I would assume they are under-confident rather than unwilling. You just need to try and spare feelings if you can, especially as they are helping you out. Can you change a nappy in front of them and let them tackle a wet one first?

MiaowTheCat · 13/04/2015 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

soapboxqueen · 13/04/2015 18:23

tbh if it was 10 minutes I wouldn't be getting too upset unless a sore bottom was developing but I appreciate it may be longer if you've been out of the house.

I would just say that your dc has been getting a sore bottom so nappies need to be changed ASAP to stop it happening again.

Meloria · 13/04/2015 18:31

I am nice. Like the nice parents I would cook and clean, iron and mind the baby for a little while. but I wouldn't bath it, feed it or change nappies unless I was specifically asked to care for it in that way rather than just 'help out'. If the OP wants certain things done or not done then she has to be clear with the parents.

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