PIL and nappy change

[StarlingMurmuration]

First of all, I should say my inlaws are brilliant and I get on very well with them. I suffered from PND after the birth of my DS five months ago and wasn't coping very well and so they've made the 3 hour round trip once a week to help me out. They usually stay here all day, either doing small jobs like helping with the ironing or the hoovering, or looking after DS so that I can do the grocery shopping or even have a little nap. I am very grateful. DS loves them, and they love him and are really good with him.

But... They never change his nappy. Most of the time, that's fine, I just make sure it's done either before I go out, or whenever it needs to be done if we're all in the house together. But there's been a couple of times when I've come back from the shops and they've said, "Oh, I think he may have just done a poo", so I change him straight away but I don't know how long he's been sitting in it. Today, I was napping upstairs for an hour, came down and they said, "He's been doing a bit of straining, we thought we'd leave it til you go up!" I asked when he did it and they said about ten minutes before I got up.

AIBU to think they should change his nappy if he does a poo while I'm out, or at least wake me so I can do it if I'm napping upstairs? It was only ten minutes and he wasn't crying, but he often gets a bit of a sore bum so I don't like him sitting in it. Am I being really ungrateful and PFB?

Is there a chance that they feel nakedness/the inevitable genial contact is just outside their comfort zone?

Thanks everyone. They are lovely, and very good to help out. I really do appreciate it - I'm a lot better now, but they were a lifeline when my DP first went back to work.

I think it could be lack of confidence... Or, because we don't have a changing table, I wondered if they are worried about getting down on the floor to change him? Though they do get down on the floor to play with him. But they often make jokes about leans the nappy changing to me or DP because of the mess and smell etc, so part of me thinks they just don't want to get poo on their fingers.

Meloria, if I'm in the house, I obviously am happy for them to leave the nappy changing to me. But if I go out to do the shopping, they are babysitting, not just "minding". They know to feed him if he's hungry, to put him down for his nap, to cuddle him if he cries. Surely being in charge of a baby while the parents are out of the house means doing everything necessary for its well being? It's not like they know exactly when I'll be back. I always change him before I go, and say "He's due a feed at X time, a nap in roughly an hour, and I've just changed him but his nappies are there if he needs a change."

Never thought of that, Apocalypse. Maybe?

It winds my DP up too - we're going to think of a way to tackle them about it tonight.

I could have written your post about my parents, OP. My mother actually changed a nappy for DS2 the other day - the first time she has ever done this (he is 2.5 and DS1 is 9!). DS1 had to help her! They have babysat on many occasions but just do what your PILs do - 'Oh, I think he might have just done a poo a minute ago' (when DCs have clearly been sitting in it for hours). Eventually, I stopped asking them to babysit for longer than an hour or so once in a while.

My Dad did actually have a bash at changing DS2 when he looked after him for an hour over Christmas - he had no idea how to fasten a disposable so had to use gaffer tape to stick the tabs down . They used terries with us back in the 70s, and I think they were just worried they'd get it wrong. I;d rather they had a go even if gaffer tape was involved though!

My df refused to do nappies saying he'd done enough for a lifetime with me and db. My parents are fab so if it's something he didn't want to do then fair enough. Dm did do some. Df did however get told to get a grip and help after I then went on to have dtds and to be fair he did do one nappy but it was only wee. Pil wouldn't ever do a nappy but they're also really unhelpful - fil refused to use a muslin cloth to mop up a tiny posset and just called us to attend to it despite him standing right there. Fil also seems to think that he can't see our dds naked without being accused of being a paedophile - really tricky when dd2 just loves to be naked and stick her bottom in the air!
Anyway, I would say that if they're being fab in every other way just accept that's one thing they're not confident doing and make the most of everything else. .. Dm changed 1 twin nappy and gave her bottom some nappy free time at 27 hours old. Dd weed everywhere including all over her twin sister as they were sharing the scbu twin cot! Both then needed changing so not perhaps as helpful as intended!

My mum and my MIL did both change a number of nappies for me.

Neither live close to us though, so there weren't that many times that the children were alone with them for long enough for it to be essential.

Both had to get used to disposable nappies for the first time, and sometimes it was, errm, interesting shall we say!? They did it though. My Dad didn't, that I can remember, and FIL didn't do many.

All were great with them though.

I wouldn't pull them up on it. Instead I'd put out a nappy, wipes and nappy bag, telling them 'here's the nappy stuff, just incase he poops'

YANBU. My pil are the same. In the end I had to say it outright.

I think I pointed out that he had been getting a sore bum and could they please change him as soon as they noticed he pooed.

But they were awful, used to have him two afternoons a week and wouldn't change him for the entire afternoon - from collecting from nursery at 1 until I picked him up at 6. I once picked him up at teatime when he was sitting eating his dinner in a pooey nappy.

I dropped hint after hint after hint. Sometimes you just have to be explicit. Kind, but explicit.

Incidentally he is now at full time nursery!!

YANBU, I don't think people should offer - or agree - to babysit if they aren't willing to change a dirty nappy if the baby has a poo when the parents aren't there.
It's obviously not a pleasant thing to do, and I can fully understand why they prefer the OP to do it, but it's not healthy for a baby to be sat in a dirty nappy for too long.

DS2 in particular was very sensitive to being left in a dirty nappy. He gets very bad nappy rash very quickly if dirty nappies aren't dealt with ASAP. If he was left in a dirty nappy for an hour he'd probably have open bleeding sores on his bottom where it had been touching the poo. I wouldn't be able to leave him with my parents / PILs unless I could trust them to change his nappy if they realised it was dirty.

Maybe tell them you're worried about him getting a sore bottom so any poos need to be sorted out ASAP?

Hopefully it's something as simple as them being worried about stepping on your toes if they change nappies, or being unfamiliar with modern nappies and being too embarrassed to have mentioned it. I'd definitely start any conversation from the assumption that it's underconfidence rather than an unwillingness to deal with poo.

YANBU I retch at the sight of poo but wouldn't leave DNephew in a dirty nappy.

How spry are they? I'm pretty flexible but I find changing a nappy on the floor rather uncomfortable. Perhaps that might be an angle to tackle it from - 'I wondered whether you're comfortable changing baby's nappies on the floor? Would it be easier for you if I sorted a changing table?'