Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To be miffed DM is insinuating that I favour one child

Ruperta · 2015-04-12T19:11:16+00:00

So my mum visit for <24hrs every 6 weeks. Doesn't help out but by the end of the 24hrs likes to give me a critique of my parenting. I don't really look forward to her visits. I have two boys 2years 2 weeks age gap. When she came when DS2 was six weeks old she told me my oldest was 'spoilt' - I don't think I can really forgive her for that, it was just uncalled for, I just needed a bit of help & support at that time. Anyhoo she seems to have got it into her head that I favour my eldest, which I really don't but she is always insinuating that I'm not giving my youngest enough/equal attention. It is highly annoying and I'm not sure how to handle it and keen to get your advice. My eldest just hit terrible twos when youngest was born so he did demand attention (but a different sort of attention from a baby who was also very demanding). Now they are older 1.5 & 3.5 they demand attention to a similar extent and I really feel I'm equal but apparently mum has told my sister that I don't update them on my youngest milestone achieves as much as I did with DS1 etc (probably because I'm bloody exhausted, have much less time etc). It doesn't mean I don't personally relish those moments just as much. Now whenever I send a message about DS1 (I.e this week he got a cert at nursery & had his face painted so I sent photos of DS1 to her (DS2 in contrast has been unwell and grumpy so not sent photos of him as he has mainly cried all week) my mum sent back '& did DS2 get his face painted/ how is dS2 doing at nursery?' Etc almost to make a point. Insinuating I'll leaving my youngest out. It probably doesn't sound like much but the constant digs are beginning to gnaw away at me. It really pisses me off, if she was here all the time or at least helps when she came to visit I could maybe take on board her opinion but she doesn't and I just feel she is being highly judgemental of my parenting for no reason. I'm keen to have it out with her but know it will probably end badly. We have no family close by and no help so things like this do rock my judgment & make me feel very Insecure - but I can hand on heart say I do not favour one child. Surely it's normal with the second to be a bit more worn out & not parent exactly the same as the first (I actually feel DS2 will be better for it!) Sorry for the rant, anyone else similar experience - any suggestions?

33 replies

Ruperta · 12/04/2015 20:11

So my mum visit for

OP posts:

MrsFlannel · 12/04/2015 20:22

Well I do feel for you as she sounds very full on but are you CERTAIN that you don't favour DS1? My friend complained to me about a similar comment her SIL had made and she denied it but I had to say that indeed she did post a lot more about her elder DS than her younger DD and that the elder child seemes to be spending more one on one time with her.

Love51 · 12/04/2015 20:26

My Dcs are the same ages as yours. Of course I don't treat them both the same. DC1 was still an only child at the age DC2 is now. I was massively overexcited by some perfectly normal elements of child development. I thought the fact that DC1 slept was due to my amazing techniques. I wonder if her comments are getting to you because there is a tiny kernal of truth and you need to reconcile / make peace with that? Personally I wouldnt want to treat them the same but others see it differently.
Also, did your mum feel 'in the shadow' of an older sibling growing up?

Love51 · 12/04/2015 20:34

Also, if you want, just avoid giving her ammo. Send her pics of both kids or one of each.
I remember as a kid my friends mum would do stuff like get each dc something from town. It seemed odd and expensive to me. We knew that our sibling would get new shoes sometimes, and when our own feet grew it would be our turn. Its great to grow up knowing that if you have needs they will be taken care of, rather than parents having to massage the ego of siblings / get you stuff you dont need in the service of fairness.

Babymamamama · 12/04/2015 20:34

I would just go along with her whether she's right or wrong. Start emailing regular pics through of ds2 and make sure you talk about ds2 first to her. If you know on your heart you're doing nothing wrong by favouring oneover the other then you are just humouring her anyway. If you have no other close family nearby it's not worth falling out over IMO. Seems like she has some issue in her own background. Was she the less favoured child?

mstumble · 12/04/2015 20:39

just send loads of pics of DS2

Original poster

Ruperta · 12/04/2015 20:42

There is some background in that my mums sister & brother (my aunt & uncle) absolutely hate each other due to issues of favouritism - so I'm sure she is aware of this but .... I really wish she would wind her neck in and stop insinuating there are problems where there isn't one.

OP posts:

Fifis25StottieCakes · 12/04/2015 20:46

I feel your pain, i had 2, 2 yr 6 mnth apart. My eldest was so bad at chucking tantrums i can barely remember what dd2 was like as baby. She was so laid back, probably just amused by DD1 throwing tantrums. Most of my time was spent dealing with DD1 whilst in between quickly sorting out DD2, feed her etc before dd1 kicked off.

Almostfifty · 12/04/2015 20:47

Just tell her to stop it. If she doesn't, stop updating her.

hettie · 12/04/2015 20:49

I see there was favouritism in her family... is she by any chance the youngest? My mum sometimes say's things like 'poor old dd' (whose youngest), but then she was the youngest so I think can associate with her more (she also thinks they are 'alike'- which is I'm not sure is really the case- she was a shy child, dd is very outgoing . Either way, perhaps you need to have a gently conversation with your mum and find out what's behind it?

reni1 · 12/04/2015 20:49

Have you said something along the lines of 'Now I am a mum I understand how much you did for me and my siblings. It is now my turn to be a parent, your parenting advise makes me feel insecure, please don't do it'?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 12/04/2015 20:53

Stop inviting her. She sounds miserable.

MarwoodsMate · 12/04/2015 21:04

Hmm I would do what love suggests and just make sure not to give her any ammo. Bombard her with news and pics of ds2 if necessary!

If she starts criticising another aspect of your parenting, I would probably say something along the lines of "thank you for the advice. I can tell you are really keen to help, so maybe next time you are here you can (insert actually helpful thing here)"

Thymeout · 12/04/2015 21:22

I think sometimes an outsider's view is helpful.

My GP once told me that she only realised she treated her two differently when she overheard her dd say to her ds, 'You ask her. She'll say yes to you'. It made her think and she realised dd was right.

MrsFlannel · 12/04/2015 23:21

Thyme Exactly. I said the same earlier in the thread but not as eloquently as you. OP is it possible there's a grain of truth in what they're saying?

steff13 · 13/04/2015 03:53

So, you sent an email about your eldest son getting his face painted, with pictures, but didn't mention your younger son at all? Not even, "poor ds2 has been sick all week," or something? If that's the case, I do find that a bit odd, personally. Not as a one-off, but if something similar happened regularly. Or if you never emailed solely about ds2 without mentioning ds1.

nooka · 13/04/2015 04:39

I don't think that the OP is at all unusual even if she doesn't make such a big deal about her younger child hitting milestones compared to her older one. I'm the youngest of four and my mother can't remember any of my milestones, but she remembers my eldest sister's first words etc. I think that they just are a bigger deal for your eldest child, because they are new to you as the parent. With a younger child you are expecting the changes so they are just that amount less of a big deal.

Jengnr · 13/04/2015 05:21

I'd stop sending her stuff tbh.

toomuchtooold · 13/04/2015 05:53

I have twins and when they were babies I used to have to fill in the milestone chart in the red bo

toomuchtooold · 13/04/2015 05:57

... in the red book retrospectively so the HV wouldn't think me a neglectful/disengaged mum. There is just often not the time with two to do anything other than look after them.

(bloody touchscreen phones, hit post by accident)

Original poster

Ruperta · 13/04/2015 06:05

I didn't send an email just a picture of my son with faint paint and a picture of the certificate. No words.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ruperta · 13/04/2015 06:05

It was on whatsapp

OP posts:

Lizzylou · 13/04/2015 06:09

OP, I had this with my DM.
Mine was the other way round though, 2 boys, 2 yrs apart, DM had a very strong bond with DS1 (1st grandchild in family), she felt that me taking care of the new baby (who turned into a very demanding toddler) was me neglecting DS1.
Just be secure in yourself, you know your children, I think when they are this young then it ebbs and flows as to who commands the attention most at that time. A baby and a toddler are demanding, I honestly don't think that you will be doing anything "wrong" or favouring one over the other. It is sad that you are now double checking yourself all the time.
FWIW I see a lot less of my Mother now and life is better. I think your DM needs to let you find your own feet, she is hardly being helpful, is she?

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 13/04/2015 06:35

Well the truth is that older children are often more interesting/do more that warrants a photo being taken! Be confident in your parenting OP, you know you don't neglect your second. Your mums comments sound highly irritating and would really wind me up.

Hissy · 13/04/2015 06:55

You're looking for your dm approval.

You're not going to get it, no matter what you do/don't do.

Stop the updates, and either stop the visits or tell her that it's not her place to criticise your parenting.

PrettyLittleMitty · 13/04/2015 07:49

I had similar with my dm, although she never accused me of favouring one child over another, she did use the updates and photo's to criticise my parenting. She would comment on what the children were wearing eg 'it looks very cold, was ds1 ok without a hat?' It was constant and always resulted in me feeling like shit/questioning my parenting. I stopped all updates/photos so she doesn't have the chance to comment and criticise and feel much better for it.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread