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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be miffed DM is insinuating that I favour one child

33 replies

Ruperta · 12/04/2015 20:11

So my mum visit for

OP posts:
DeeWe · 13/04/2015 10:29

The thing is I think almost every parent would say "I can hand on heart say I do not favour one child."
And those who don't would have an excuse why they apparently favoured that one: "they're easier" "they do more interesting things" "they need me more".

Perhaps if you look back at the emails and see what proportion mention dd1 to dd2?
I find with mine it goes round in swings and roundabouts. So one will have something big coming up and get more mentions about that, another time one will have some health issues and that will be mentioned a lot, and maybe one will have a big achievement and I'll wax lyrical about that.
I think I mention dd1 slightly less, because she's 14yo and wouldn't want some of the things mentioned that I would for the younger two. But she does get mentioned for certain things simply because she is the first in the family to get there, so for the other two it's slightly less of an issue.
Again photos on fb tend to show fewer dd1, because she's on fb, and I'm friends with parents of some of her friends -and she tends to say "Oh mum take it off, I hate that photo!". Grin

My dp didn't favour us generally, they were careful to be fair. However dm used to talk about db (youngest) in a totally different way. Conversations would go along the lines of "Yes, DeeWe plays the cello, she's doing very well. Db plays it too, he's got the most wonderful technique, his control of the bow is brilliant, and he's really getting the hang of the positioning."
Now in rl Db had just failed grade 1, I had just got grade 5. I think dp thought db lacked confidence, so used to talk like that to build him up.

I wish someone had said to dm something though, she'd have denied it, but I think it would have made her think, and be more careful.
Result was I grew up thinking privately db was much better than me-pretty much genius level. I said this to dm one time as an adult, and her jaw dropped and she said "well we knew he wasn't as good as you".
But talking about it to dsis and a family friend, they had both privately got the same impression. And, in all honesty, I think db did, which did cause him problems when he found he wasn't as good as he expected.
So I think it did cause problems all round.

The thing is at present ds1's achievement are probably more shareable. (ds2's biggest poo in the nappy isn't really a good one!) Also what he does is new. The difficulty comes when ds1 is 5yo and ds2 is 3yo, and ds1's achievements are still the new and exciting ones and ds2's still seem more mundane somply because he's younger.
Things are a much bigger issue when you're the first to do that, as a second child I did notice that it was much more expected and not as big a thing when I achieved something dsis had achieved.

Aermingers · 13/04/2015 10:46

My Mum always swore that she loved me and my brother equally, but she didn't my older brother was definitely her favourite. Even now we are in our 30s it's clear, it's been very clear to everybody both inside and outside of the family but she still denies it. Nobody in my family challenged it and it was a really horrible destructive environment for me.

I too suspect there may be a grain of truth to this. I would sit down and have a hard think about it. I know there was a similar situation in my husband's family and the mother was pulled up on it but actually listened, acknowledged and stopped it.

There does seem to be a bit of a subtext to your post. The defensiveness and your insistence that while DS1 has been doing clever interesting things worthy of comment DS2 has been 'grumpy' and therefore can be ignored because of his own behaviour.

I mean, you speak of it in terms of a week. In an entire week DS2 did nothing worthy of comment or photographing? And you didn't even seem to tell your Mum he had been poorly. And that really is a bit odd because I expect most people would have at least mentioned that if nothing else. I think there may well be a grain of truth you might want to think about.

Ruperta · 13/04/2015 19:20

Ha Aermingers you seem to share my mothers remarkable ability to comment on my parenting without witnessing it!

OP posts:
wreckingball · 13/04/2015 19:37

It would naff me off too OP, sometimes they just don't get it, you've two DC to care for now and you don't have the time you had when you just had the one.
I must say that now DP and I are GPs and have the DGD overnight sometimes ( she's 16 mnths) I had forgotten just what hard work it is and that's just with one!
I'd suggest don't fall out with your Mum, you seem to have an idea that this comes from her experience of favouritism in her family.
You only have to deal with her infrequently, I'd try to ignore for the time being at least.
And yes Aermingers, I remember weeks going by when mine were small and nothing hugely remarkable happening. Shock

Lizzylou · 13/04/2015 21:36

Ruperta, trust your instincts and do what you do.
I do and I have 2 boys who are both much loved, very much equally, 10 yrs after all that crap. You don't need it, seriously, you're doing good!

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 13/04/2015 21:50

Aermingers you must know the OP well to be able to come to those conclusions!

m0therofdragons · 13/04/2015 21:51

I have a favourite but it changes - currently my favourite is my 7yo dd as she is asleep, I am currently sitting at the end of 3yo dtd2s bed on mn as I'm refusing to move until dtds are both asleep and stop messing around. Earlier dtd2 ate dinner really well so she was my favourite. .. basically the one behaving at any given time is my favourite.
anyway, re asking about other dc at least she's showing an interest. Mil is only interested in dd1 and pil never tell dd1 off. I've said this before but finally dh saw it. They always excuse her behaviour. Last weekend she pushed her little sister down the slide and still they said it was an accident. It wasn't. Dd1 is very good but occasionally she does stuff she needs to be picked up on. If they let these things go for all my dc I'd actually day fair enough it's their dgds but they have a clear favourite and it annoys me.
Really and truly just ignore her and enjoy the fact she's not got a favourite.

Aermingers · 13/04/2015 21:53

Well if you don't want people to reply to you on the basis of your post then why post? Nobody else on this thread has witnessed your parenting either but you seem perfectly happy with the comments telling you that it's all fine and Dandy.

You posted an AIBU. I don't know why you feel it's okay to have a pop at people who've given you a response when you asked the question in a forum where you know some people might disagree.

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