Let dd go to a friends party without me...

[RubyShoo5]

Hi all

Im a newbie who has somehow got to the point of having a 7 yo dd and have never joined mumsnet (i think maybe im not normal!)Ive posted on other sites when i was pregnant but stayed away since then due to a not very nice group of ladies... but thats another story!

Anyway, my friend swears by you all for helping her stay sane and as im lying here unable to sleep due to quietly fuming and trying not to wake dh i thought id post and see if im overreacting... hope im in the right place.

So, before the school hols my dd got an invite to a friends party, Ive met the parents quite a few times and theyve always seemed ok to me.

The party was starting at 3 and involved going to a beauticians for a girly make over, then onto the cinema, followed by an Italian meal and then a sleepover! All seemed a bit ott to me but dd was desperate to go so i agreed to all of it but the sleepover (think shes a bit young for that tbh plus she isnt a good sleeper)

Yesterday the mum called me to say there had been a mix up with times so she wouldnt have dd back home until 9.30. Thought it was a bit late but agreed to it as its a one off and the school hols.

Well off dd went at 3, then at 9.30 i get a text telling me shes having a lovely time, so i text back and ask when theyll be back. By 10pm she hadnt replied so i called and she said theyd be another half hour or so. 10.30 comes and shes not home so i call again and she says the meal was late so itll be around 11! After a few more (unanswered) calls she finally brought dd home at 11.45!!! She sent her to the door with her son, obviously knew we wouldnt be happy with her.

Dh was fuming but calmed down when dd told him about her day and he went off to bed.

As i was sorting dd out for bed and hearing about her day she then said 'i went to the toilet and forgot which screen we were in' her friends mum let her walk out of the film and go to the toilet on her own???!!

Then to top it off she said at the meal her friends dad kept 'stroking her hair' and she didnt like him, hes italian and quite touchy feely so i dont know if its a culture thing and im reading more into it because im angry?

Havent said anything to dh cos i know he will be even more angry.

AIBU about...

1. The lateness

2 . The toilet thing

1. The dad

???

Sorry for the long post and thanks for taking the time to read x

I'd probably have let my 7 year old go to the toilet on his own.

Lateness was V V U.

Dad a unnerving, but it's great that she talked to you about it.

Parents should definitely have let know they were staying out later and when to expect your DD.

Would not be happy with dad stroking hair and would be cautious of him spending time with my DD without me there.

YANBU .I don't blame you for feeling as you do on all three counts Ruby, especially the lateness. The toilet, I personally agree with you but will find I think a lot of people would have no problem with this. The dad thing - which again I wouldn't like - but think it probably a cultural thing. At any rate I wouldn't do anything , it's over and done with. However, if there would be future play dates I'd make them at your house (I know this was a party).

Must have been very worrying about the lateness - but she's home and for that I'm sure you are relieved.

Toilet alone is OK in my book.

Coming home at a time more suitable for 16yo is beyond the pale.

Dad- great she talks to you and a timely reminder for us all to talk to DCs to say if anything makes them uncomfortable immediately, to the person doing it and a trusted adult (host mum in this case).

Is she very blonde?v I've found Italians are fascinated by blonde children.

Thanks for the quick replies :)

Ive certainly learnt a lot from it and its good to hear other perspectives esp on the toiler thing, guess im just extra extra cautious when i have other peoples children so expected the same from other parents.

Thanks also for pointing out that it was good she told me, havent really thought of it like that.

Shes got brown hair Disappointed one but it is very long and his dd has short hair so maybe thats why but i think i will take towers advise and not let dd go to any play dates at their house or without me.

Thanks again x

i think your dd was an utter pita to partially accept the party invite to be honest.
the party mum had arranged a leisurely evening as and you put her in the position of having to second guess the timings and thus adding a layer of stress when they turned out to be different.
and of course seven is old enough to go to the toilet by themselves

a SEVEN year old out until almost midnight??? YA definitely, definitely NBU!!!!!

Toilet not a problem for me. Dad thing a bit odd but probably cultural as others have said.

But MIDNIGHT????

I didn't see the sleepover part in the invite. Maybe your daughter really wanted to do the sleepover.

Sorry perhaps i didnt explain properly, was conscious it was a long post.. dd didnt want to do the sleepover bit it was her decision but i'll be honest and say i was relieved. I called the mum and told her and she called me back and said herdd still wanted to go to the other bits. I also offered to collect her but the mum assured me she would bring her home.

Didnt mean to be judgemental about the party, if it came across like that

And the toilet thing... Its a very large cinema/ shopping centre type complex and my personal feeling is still that 7 is too young but we are all entitled to our own opinions

I wouldn't do anything now though, should there be another invite I'd make clear you will pick her up yourself at X o'clock though.

And well done for having taught her to tell you about anything uncomfortable about an interaction with an adult, however minor, she clearly trust you to take it seriously and believe her.

Thanks Reni, feel better for sounding it out on here

Was mainly angry about the time thing than anything which made me stew on the other things!

Ruby I think you are right to be upset on all counts. There's no way I'd be happy about a 7 year old wandering around a big cinema. The fact that she got lost demonstrates how mad this is let alone the nutters that could be lurking
To be honest THAT would upset me more than the late night.

Thanks singsongsung.. ive definitely learnt some very valuable lessons from it

I am married to a man who is half Spanish /half Italian, the culture about time is very different. On holiday we would often go out at about 9 in the evening.

Dd1 has just turned 8 (2 weeks ago) and generally I would let her go to the toilet alone, but am more cautious with other people's kids. I recently allowed DS (10) to take DD1 plus 2 friends and DD2 (4) to our nearby park, but only after sounding out the mum I knew less well.

Can I ask why some people on this thread have said they're "more cautious with other people's kids"? I don't get why that is? Why would you feel the need to protect someone else's child more than your own?

You don't protect other children more than your own, but you know very well what your own are good or bad at (eg loo alone in a cinema OK or not), whereas with other children you can't be so sure.

I am in no doubt that my daughter is more than capable of going to the loo alone and she's been to the cinema (small cinema) often enough to know her way around. I still wouldn't let her go on her own though as I would have no idea of who else was in the cinema at that moment. That would be my concern.

Without wanting to stereotype, many Italians I know (used to live there) children stay up later, adults are more hands on with other people's children and they are more relaxed about timings. From their point of view they just wanted their DD to have a great birthday with her mates and may not have realised that getting home by a certain time was important to you.

I agree with you re: going to the toilet at 7. I would at least have gone to the corridor with her. But again parents are all different, if their DD is fine with it, they might have assumed you would be.

Ruby, you've just got to take charge and do what you need to do.

I would have collected my DD when I judged she needed to be home, and to hell with upsetting anyone else.

If your dd didn't like her friends dad touching her, then that's an issue you need to listen to. Cultural or not, your DD is your priority.

Don't worry about causing offence, if your dd doesn't like being touched by a friend's dad she shouldn't have to be. She owns her body and I'm delighted she's confided that she wasn't happy with that to you. Now you can have a role play on what to do in future if someone is touching her and she doesn't like it.

Let your dd know she can call you from anyone's house and you'll come and collect her.
Empower her to trust her gut and assure her that she is correct if she wants to leave somewhere, and also, if she doesn't like being touched she can shout and scream if she feels like she wants to, and you'll never be cross with her for 'causing a fuss.'

Too often we are brought up to be silent, for fear of causing an upset: add in the "cultural differences" and you have a grooming situation right there.

Time to be less passive.

I am quite a relaxed parent but definitely wouldn't let a 7 year old go to the toilet alone in large shopping centre/cinema and then have to navigate the way back to the screen. And no especially not someone else's child as I wouldn't know how sensible they were. Agree with others that you should have insisted on collecting her. Not sure about the dad thing as seems abit odd but used to happen to me a lot when I was small as I had v long hair so probably harmless.

I'm not sure why you wouldn't agree to the sleepover or why you couldn't pick up your own DD from the party house.

As for the toilet in the cinema, 7 is old enough to go alone.
The lateness see above
The dad thing, who knows, bit odd but at least she told you.