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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find this irritating?

37 replies

DazeyandConfused · 11/04/2015 23:15

I'll try and make this as simple as possible, it's not. I've got three primary school age children. Two are in beavers and one is in scouts. DH is a leader at DD's scout pack and the DS's 1&2s beaver pack is run by a leader and a couple of students from the local university, one of whom is female. My husband is good friends with this girl and all three DCs adore her, they seem to have this older sister/cool aunt type relationship with her. They love telling her all about their day, new toys etc.

Recently the girl has started helping out at scouts as well, over the past six months this girl has been spending more and more time over at our house. It used to be the odd meal after scouts, but now it's every night till after midnight, if we have been drinking, she stays the night. She comes on almost all family days out, quite often with out with out me (which I don't mind as I'm fairly sure she is a lesbian and it enables me to get some work/house work done).

Now DH has invited her on holiday with us this summer, the kids are ecstatic about this, AIBU unreasonable to be pissed off? I feed this girl at least 9 meals a week and she never seems to pay on these days out. She's nice enough but I never seem to get alone time with my DH and DC. I don't think she has designs on DH but I'm worried that if I put my foot down and ask her to spend less time over hear that DH won't support me and the DC will hate me. What do I do?

OP posts:
Totality22 · 11/04/2015 23:20

I'd make sure she is a "Lesbo" first otherwise she could be trying to steal your family (I am obviously joking!!)

Seriously OP, I cannot believe you actually say this "which I don't mind as I'm fairly sure she is a lesbian and it enables me to get some work/house work done)"

Please do tell me how her being a lesbian, enables you to do the housework!

WorraLiberty · 11/04/2015 23:21

How old is this girl? She sounds too young to be drinking alcohol.

It's also amusing that you don't mind her going out with your DH for the day because you're 'fairly sure she's a lesbian', rather than 'you trust your husband' Grin

Anyhoo, it does sound very full on...almost like you've adopted another daughter. How has it come to this?

Have you ever made your feelings known in the past about her spending too much time with you all?

YWNBU to say something about how often you're all seeing her, and expect your DH and kids to compromise.

Original poster
DazeyandConfused · 11/04/2015 23:22

I was trying to explain why I don't feel threatened when they all go out with out me.

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 11/04/2015 23:25

Sounds totally inappropriate. Your dh is married and she's a student? Wtf does she see in you all? Where are her friends and family? What does your dh think about this?

I'd talk to him and start disengaging quick smart. Sounds v odd indeed.

Original poster
DazeyandConfused · 11/04/2015 23:27
  1. It just kind of crept up on me, first it was one evening then two then three. You're right, it does feel like I have four children not three (it certainly costs the same). I'm not really sure how to approach DH over this, especially as DC are so attached.
OP posts:
PuntasticUsername · 11/04/2015 23:27

"DH has invited her on holiday with us"..."worried...that DH will not support me"

Do you and your DH not talk about this situation between yourselves, at all? Why did DH alone invite her on holiday - didn't you get a say? Why would you be asking the girl to back off, without first agreeing your approach with your DH? Aren't you a team on this, as on all other family matters? Is this part of the problem...?

WalterWall · 11/04/2015 23:28

She's in your house every night till after midnight?

How old is she?

WorraLiberty · 11/04/2015 23:28

So she's a woman then, not a girl.

To be honest, your DH has no right to invite anyone on holiday with you all without discussing it with you first, so I really would put my foot down and explain that your want some alone/family time.

The kids will get over it.

WalterWall · 11/04/2015 23:29

This has got out of hand. What do her family think?

Patapouf · 11/04/2015 23:29

What the fuck? Is she trying to cuckold you?
Assuming the OP means she doesn't mind her going off with her DH as she is a lesbian. Staying home whilst they are out with the kids allows her to get housework done.

Coconutty · 11/04/2015 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HermiaDream · 11/04/2015 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TenerifeSea · 11/04/2015 23:33

Her sexuality is not entirely relevant IMO but the amount of time being spent at your house is really quite abnormal.

Original poster
DazeyandConfused · 11/04/2015 23:34

Her family are the other side of the country in Wales. She has friends that she lives with, but what with the time she spends at ours and their courses, I'm really not sure how much time she spends with them. She doesn't seem to go out clubbing with them, both because she says she doesn't enjoy it and because I can't remember the last night she wasn't at ours. I'm just not really sure how to reduce the amount of time she is here without coming across as insecure or upsetting the DC.

OP posts:
HarrietSchulenberg · 11/04/2015 23:35

I don't think I'd be at all happy about this, but I am the woman who got pissed off when another woman started making ExH sandwiches and lunches Smile. I would have exploded if he'd tried to bring her on a day out let alone on holiday with us.

Tutteredboast · 11/04/2015 23:35

Is she lonely, lacking friends?Family?
Are you her new family?

MammaTJ · 11/04/2015 23:40

She wants your life! Not sure she actually wants your DH or whether she will put up with him to get it!

My view!

WorraLiberty · 11/04/2015 23:40

Yeah she does sound a bit lonely and as though she's found a new family. Perhaps it's a new thing for her that makes her feel secure.

However, it's not your problem.

I think you problem is your DH and why he wants her around so often?

Why are you so worried about upsetting your DC though? By the time they get on holiday they'll probably be so excited that they'll forget all about her.

Original poster
DazeyandConfused · 11/04/2015 23:48

WorraLiberty You have no idea how attached they are to her, they would miss her and hate me, it makes me feel really trapped, they look on her as the cool older sister. I think DH just gets on with her really well (she is fairly entertaining) and it has just sort of escalated.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 11/04/2015 23:50

I don't think they would hate you though. You're their Mum and they love you.

Yes they'll be a bit pissed off and disappointed, but that's their Dad's fault and they'll get over it.

PrettyLittleMitty · 12/04/2015 06:57

No way would I want anyone (except DH & DC's) at my house everyday , especially until after midnight, certainly not on family days out and not a fucking chance she'd be coming on holiday! You need to have words with DH now.
Tell the DC's there has been a mistake and this woman can't make the holidayw afterall, she will be going on holiday with her own family. They won't hate you.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 12/04/2015 07:21

I agree with worra
I would talk to dh. Let him know it was not ok to invite another person on holiday, esp without talking to you about it. Its a family holiday.
But I guess now he has invited her, if she is uninvited it's because you've said no iyswim. So I can see why it's awkward for you.

Dontunderstand01 · 12/04/2015 08:45

For your DH to invite anyone on holiday without consulting you is rude and inconsiderate, and tbh bang out of order!

Tell your dh that it is is unacceptable, that you want her to come around a lot less often, and open his eyes to how bizarre this situation is.

It really sounds like this woman is trying to replace you in your own family! Her personal situation is none of your concern, you have yourfamily to think about. Get shot of her asap!

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 12/04/2015 08:51

Take control now and put a stop to this before she moves in permanently, that'll be next.

Every fucking night and on holiday?

Talk to dh and sort it, for starters cancel her place on the holiday .

AliceLidl · 12/04/2015 08:58

Someone else in my house that often would drive me mad.

Every other consideration aside, it doesn't matter how much the children like her, whether she's a lesbian or not, or how much housework you get done while she's out of for the day with your husband, having someone who doesn't live with us spend that much time in our house would annoy me.

You are going to have to tell your DH that she can't come on holiday with you.

I can't believe he didn't think to ask first.

It must be costing you a fortune to feed another adult and keep her in alcohol if she drinks and stays over frequently.

Be firm. "X can't come back for dinner tonight, don't bring her back after scouts, it's costing us a fortune to feed her every day" or "I'd rather it was just us and the kids today, X will have to go straight home." And most of all "X is here too often, we hardly get to be alone. It's starting to annoy me, I'd like some family time without her."

And to her face "X it's not convenient for you to come over tonight" or "X we're going to be eating soon, so you're going to have to go home now" or "X we're just going out as a family today, see you at scouts next week."