AIBU to find this irritating?

[DazeyandConfused]

I'll try and make this as simple as possible, it's not. I've got three primary school age children. Two are in beavers and one is in scouts. DH is a leader at DD's scout pack and the DS's 1&2s beaver pack is run by a leader and a couple of students from the local university, one of whom is female. My husband is good friends with this girl and all three DCs adore her, they seem to have this older sister/cool aunt type relationship with her. They love telling her all about their day, new toys etc.

Recently the girl has started helping out at scouts as well, over the past six months this girl has been spending more and more time over at our house. It used to be the odd meal after scouts, but now it's every night till after midnight, if we have been drinking, she stays the night. She comes on almost all family days out, quite often with out with out me (which I don't mind as I'm fairly sure she is a lesbian and it enables me to get some work/house work done).

Now DH has invited her on holiday with us this summer, the kids are ecstatic about this, AIBU unreasonable to be pissed off? I feed this girl at least 9 meals a week and she never seems to pay on these days out. She's nice enough but I never seem to get alone time with my DH and DC. I don't think she has designs on DH but I'm worried that if I put my foot down and ask her to spend less time over hear that DH won't support me and the DC will hate me. What do I do?

Your DH has invited her on holiday without speaking to you, so he can jolly well uninvite her!

How on earth have you sleepwalked into this ridiculous situation. I'd have someone round till gone midnight once and wouldn't be doing it again for weeks or months.

The whole dynamic of your family has been changed here. Is that what you want? Was it just an easy ride as she entertained your DC's and gave you some free time and suddenly you realised you have a problem? There are too many mixed messages on this for your kids, for it to continue. She is usurping your position.

Tough that the kids will be upset - they will get over it, kids are remarkably resilient.

First step - stop the holiday and that is down to your DH.

Second step - she does NOT come on every family outing you go on. How on earth do you put up with that? If the kids love her, I would, as Mum, begin to feel like a spare part.

Third step - she stops coming round every night.
Fourth step - you and your DH must talk.

And as for the children it should be fairly easy to distract them from being upset that she's not coming over or going on holiday with you.

"X is busy with her own friends, she can't be with us all the time, she needs friends her own age and time to do her college work."

"It is a shame X can't come, but this is our family holiday and we'll have lots to tell her about when we get home. You can all send her a postcard, she'll like that."

"X is going on holiday to visit her own family though, she can't spend all her time with us."

"Yes we do like X but it's nice to be just us as well isn't it?"

You need to put an abrupt stop to her visits. Make it clear that contact cannot extend beyond scouts.
Are your husbands intentions entirely honourable?

Don't eat anything she prepares for you.

She has all but moved in! It is an unhealthy attachment, not something a 21 year old would normally do and therefore needs addressing and putting to a stop.

She needs to know where the boundaries are. She needs to be invited for tea, by you. She needs to be invited to come round and stay, not just rock up and stay over when she wants.

Either she's looking for a family or a husband. But she has to grow up and smell the coffee, that your home is yours and not hers. At the moment your husband is giving her the impression she is perfectly welcome. But she isn't and you know you will have to speak to him and then her.

Good luck. There will be tears but stay strong. She can come round once a week for dinner if you invite her, but I would say this probably won't happen as there is going to be some stropping on her side as she won't like being told. Most 21 year olds would know this is all very inappropriate and her family probably think so too.

Sorry but I think you should be very worried about the state of your marriage. You aren't able to have a conversation telling your DH about how you feel, he invites someone along without discussing with you and you're questioning whether you are UR or not. Do you not have conversations with each other?

How does it happen that she turns up most nights? Is there any sort of advance warning, invitation/expectation on your part, or does she just casually come round and end up staying as you're serving up.

Re: the holiday, did she happen to be there when the subject came up and therefore, as a natural part of the conversation, there was a "why don't you come too?" I can see how that might have happened without an official conversation beforehand between you and your dh, but if he has no idea you're now getting hacked off, then it might have seemed an OK thing to say, especially if the kids were on board.

But I agree, I'd think this has crossed a line long ago, and you need to talk to your dh and put the brakes on.

You can't just bring another adult into your family. It just doesn't work.

I completely agree with those people, saying your dc will get over this woman not being in your lives the whole time. And if your concerns are valid that they won't cope with her not being around so much, then that's a problem too. But I don't think that will be the case. Fill their lives up with friends round after school and things like that. They will move on really quickly.

if she is a lesbian, have you considered that maybe your DH is interested?
some straight men are intrigued by lesbians and it may be that he feels sexual towards her.

either way, this situation is utterly ridiculous.
set some boundaries with your DH and restrict this cuckoo's time in your home.
he must un-invite her on holiday too.
and your kids can go whistle - if they want her in your home then they will have to pay for her eats and keep out of their pocket money.

If it's bothering you, then it probably needs to stop. But it sounds like she is lonely.

Sounds like she misses her family, doesn't like the scene that the friends her age are into and wants to be in a family situation.

That doesn't make it right of course, needs a serious sit down chat with your DH about how unacceptable this has become to you and that it needs to be cut back.

Even if she comes on this holiday now it will need to change when you all get home. She will need to pay her own way on holiday too - that might stop her coming.