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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset about this comment by a colleague?

39 replies

pinningwobble · 11/04/2015 19:49

Was chatting with a colleague yesterday about our respective childhoods. I am oldest of 6 and Dad buggered off when I was twelve. Mum had to work night shifts etc. Siblings and I helped her a lot round the house as we were brought up to do. From young age all of us learned to cook, clean etc. told colleague about this and she said 'that seems really cruel on kids to be honest, I think that was terrible judgement on your mother's part.'

I adore my mum. She did the best she could for us in really difficult circumstances so I was upset to hear her spoken of like that!

AIBU? Is it now considered cruel to make kids do chores?!

OP posts:
museumum · 11/04/2015 19:51

Nope. Not in my world. I only have one ds and hopefully dh won't bugger off but even still ds will do chores when he's old enough. It's called learning to be a decent adult.

CaptainAnkles · 11/04/2015 19:54

I see nothing wrong with asking children to contribute to housework, and your mother really didn't have any choice but to get you all to pitch in anyway. It sounds like she did a great job under very hard circumstances. I'd rather my DC learned to do some housework and cooking rather than doing absolutely everything for them and them growing into utterly clueless adults who don't know how to boil a kettle.

Welshmaenad · 11/04/2015 19:54

Yanbu. What a twatty thing to say.

I learned to cook etc at quite a young age and quite often fed the whole family if mum was working late. I'm so grateful to have learned those life skills early - as well as the value of working. Your mum sounds like a strong lady, no wonder you're proud of her.

grandmainmypocket · 11/04/2015 19:56

I cooked from age of 13 and I lived in a 2 parent family. Each one of us could scrub toilets, kitchens, floors from a young age.
My child helps with small chores around the home already.
I think it instils discipline. I think it was an insensitive comment, but she probably didn't mean anything by it. I think most kids don't help around the home nowadays.

Sausages123 · 11/04/2015 19:57

My H is a product of a mum who did everything for him, therefore my 4 yr old has chores. My H is better now but it has taken ages! No way he'll on earth I am raising boys that cannot cook, wash up or even put clothes in a washing basket! Your mum sounds great

GlitzAndGigglesx · 11/04/2015 19:59

I'm glad I was taught chores and made to muck in as it hasn't given me a lazy attitude towards cleaning as an adult and parent. My bastard dad buggered off too when I was 8 not that he was much help in the house anyway. I have friends well in their 20s still having their mums clean up after and around them and I find it embarrassing tbh

daffsandtulips · 11/04/2015 20:01

I personally don't give my child "chores" I ask him to help out in the home. I wasn't given chores either. Im now a fully functioning human being able to run a household.

Original poster
pinningwobble · 11/04/2015 20:02

Thanks ladies, I was starting to think it was just me - I went round a friend's house recently and her three kids just left plates, cups, clothes lying everywhere...she followed after them picking stuff up. Her DH objected then she said oh well DS (age 11) needs to be working (SATs) so I can't make him do chores! I was thinking Christ, in my house putting one's plate in the dishwasher wouldn't even have counted as a chore at all!

OP posts:
Original poster
pinningwobble · 11/04/2015 20:04

Daffs yes I have to say ours weren't really marketed as chores, more just things we were expected to do.

OP posts:
missorinoco · 11/04/2015 20:05

I can see why you would be upset, it was direct criticism of your mother's actions, and as you say she had a hard time of it.

I also don't think it was cruel of your mother. She taught you life skills.

If the situation had been reversed your friend would probably have told you your mother had mollycoddled you by not teaching you these skills.

ProudForMe · 11/04/2015 20:08

I think your mum has raised you well. My other half is useless around the house because his mum mollycoddled him and never let him think or do for himself and its done him no good. I am determined my own child will learn the things they need to know and I will be really disappointed in myself as a parent if I dont make that happen. There is nothing wrong with a few jobs,a family is a unit and should work together.

fiverabbits · 11/04/2015 20:11

I am 63 years old and the youngest of 5, I can remember hanging out a 50ft long line of socks and other small items aged 7, didn't do me any harm and I still hang the washing out. I can remember being in the kitchen with my family when home from school. My DDad always did something with his family on his one day a week he had off. When I was 13 my DMum was in hospital for nearly 4 months. We as a family went to visit her in turns every day, I did the shopping each day and the washing once a week with my sister. We all cooked the evening meal and did the housework. Even when my DMum came home she couldn't do anything for 6 months. Thank goodness we all knew what to do. I think your colleague is so wrong how was that cruel on you kids when she was working so hard to keep you all together.

avocadotoast · 11/04/2015 20:13

What a horrible thing for your colleague to say.

Both my grandparents on my mum's side had to go out and work. The kids learned to get their own tea and chipped in as needed. It's just what you have to do sometimes.

daffsandtulips · 11/04/2015 20:17

It just depends on circumstance I suppose and how many children someone has. I do wonder though why "chores" (which sounds rather military) has to be said. Maybe you said it in a way that the friend thought was a bit controlling? I don't think she was being awful to you to be honest.

irishamy89 · 11/04/2015 20:18

YANBU, I didn't have to do much growing up but she should have at least understood the necessity for you to help out. My mum had to do exactly the same.

Original poster
pinningwobble · 11/04/2015 20:19

Daffs she said my mother was cruel and had terrible judgement based on me saying this sentence: 'when we were kids we did quite a lot round the house. Mum taught us all to cook as she had to work nights so we often made tea. And we used to clean and stuff.'

OP posts:
Twitterqueen · 11/04/2015 20:21

We were 5 kids and 2 working (middle-class) parents. We had a rota pinned on the door so that each child knew when they were:
setting the table
clearing the table
washing up
drying up (no dishwashers in those days)

etc etc. We thought this was perfectly fair and reasonable = no arguments. My best friend from college thought this was tantamount to child cruelty. No idea why!

Passmethecrisps · 11/04/2015 20:21

This was a totally daft thing to say and quite a personal attack on your mum in one way.

We were not asked to do chores but I did because I wanted to. I was praised for this which perpetuated a good attitude towards it.

I believe that children should feel from very early that they have little responsibilities towards the family.

Welliesandpyjamas · 11/04/2015 20:23

How else would dc grow up to be competent self sufficient adults of either gender if parents didn't teach them the skills as they grow up? OP, your mum did the right thing, regardless of the difficult circumstances.

My eldest is 11 yrs old and hoovers, sweeps, fills/empties dishwasher, cleans and dusts his bedroom, cooks every so often, and irons his school uniform. His 'repertoire' will widen as time goes on, and the younger two will start doing jobs in time too. Our aim is that they will all be able to look after themselves well as adults. How is that 'cruel'?

spanky2 · 11/04/2015 20:25

I had a cruel mother, so from experience, I would have rather had a mum who loved me and asked me to do chores!

Original poster
pinningwobble · 11/04/2015 20:26

thanks everyone! I'm glad to see I wasn't BU. I would be extremely worried to think that the belief that making your kids do jobs around the house these days is tantamount to child abuse is a widespread thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinningwobble · 11/04/2015 20:27

spanky sorry to hear that Flowers

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KenDoddsDadsDog · 11/04/2015 20:27

She sounds very princessy. Your mother taught you skills and you helped her. Flowers

Crossfitmyarse · 11/04/2015 20:27

There is nothing wrong with doing chores, no, but being left to look after 5 younger siblings from the age or 12 while your mother worked a nightshift is not really right, is it? I am assuming that is what your colleague was referring to?

Original poster
pinningwobble · 11/04/2015 20:30

crossfit no she was talking about the chores. for the record 99% of the time we had a neighbour or my auntie come sit with us in the night. Occasionally she had a shift finish at midnight when I was older (14/15 or so) in which case we would sometimes stay on our own. It was not a big deal. In any case there wasn't really a choice about it, either she worked or we had no money, no food and no home.

When it comes to keeping a roof over your child's head, it's sometimes necessary to do things that are less than ideal.

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