to be angry with my dh for not answering his phone?

[shithebed]

Hi,

I do apologise, I really don't know how to write this in fewer words so please bear with me.

I'll give some background not sure how much is enough though so here it goes:
My dh husband and I have been together since our late teens early 20's, for about 15 years now.
For a big part of this I have suffered with anxiety, panic attacks and a bit of depression (couple of episodes). Haven't had panic attacks for the last 5 years or so but I am left with some panic, mainly related to health anxiety and something bad happening to my dh/someone I love.
See, I love him so much I don't think anyone could love more, he is my best friend and everything I've got and it's been like this for a very long time.I have no friends - because I always felt that he is everything I need and didn't feel the need for anything else and I have distanced myself from my family (mainly because they have failed to welcome my dh into the family and also have hurt me too many times) I do blame my mental issues on my relationship with my mum.
My father died when I was 11 yo. I had a very special relationship with him and he was my world. It was a big shock to me when he died and I still cry when I think about it.

Anyway, for the past couple of years I started having this issue when my dh goes for drinks with friends/colleagues (I am absolutely fine with this, I promise) and fails to answer his phone or my texts. This sends me in total panic and it takes me about 30 min (from my attempt to contact him) to start freaking out.
I imagine the most horrible things happening, for example if he cycled to work that day I imagine him having been hit by a car, otherwise robbed, stabbed, drunk on the side of the road (even if he doesn't actually get that drunk anyway), hit by a train, car, getting into an argument with someone from a gang (he is a professional and has no contact with that world, but we live in a big city and things like this do happen). When I panic my heart rate raises a lot (I have tachycardia), I get dizzy, sweaty palms, scared and absolutely crazy with worry.
I end up going out on the streets looking for him, praying manically that he is ok and that he returns home safely, etc. This send me right into a state and I hate it when I am like that but I can't really control it. When he finally answers we have a huge argument because I act crazy, start to shout "why did he not answer, why is he making me go through this, etc".
I have tried to explain to him the way I feel and I believe he doesn't actually trust that what I say is completely true (and i can see why, it's mental that anyone would think these things normally) and probably think I am using this as an excuse to check on him and control him. Having said that, we seemed to agree a while ago that he will answer his phone/my texts all the time.

I want to mention that I am getting help on this (and for the last 12 years I've been on ad's, tried most therapies available, etc), I currently get CBT combined with talking therapy and things are improving, but it takes time. My therapist believes I am like this because I have lost my father and I am now scared of losing anyone else I love.

Anyway, my dh went to the pub last night, I rented a car to go shopping and i needed his help with something (the zipcar app on my phone didn't work so he had to unlock the car for me and was supposed to lock it after I finished using it). I've called him for an hour and he didn't answer. I got so stressed that I actually went to look for him near where he works; never done this before and couldn't find him in any of the 3 pubs I went to.
He finally answered after an hour, said he didn't hear the phone. I said "ok, I get that you didn't hear it, pubs are noisy, but did you not think to look and check whether I called or not? You knew I needed you to lock the car; what if I had an accident, what if I needed your help?' He said he didn't think about it and apologised. I was so angry and relieved he was ok at the same time. Anyway, I hung up on him. Went home and thought he will show up knowing that I was upset. He didn't answer his phone since until just after 12 when he got home.
I didn't speak to him last night and this afternoon we had a chat (i cried my eyes out) and he said IABU to get upset that he didn't answer his phone. I said he didn't come home until after 12 to teach me a lesson which he hasn't denied.

I am 23 weeks pregnant and had a few miscarriages previously and since last night my tummy is so painful that I can't stand up. This makes things so much worse, I have been crying all day today. I am scared that I am harming my baby, especially when my heart goes all crazy.
I feel like he should help me more, especially in offering a bit more emotional support.
AIBU, am I asking for too much?

I always support him in everything he does, I want him to be happy, healthy, I take care of him all the time. I do all the things he hates doing so he doesn't get upset and try to please him all the time.
There are so many things that I think add up to this whole situation but I've already written more than anyone can read.

I think, really, honestly, you need to see your GP asap. None of this is normal, honestly. Please get some proper help.

I would struggle to handle your needs, if I were your husband. So I can see it from both points of view.

You've said in your post that you have sought help for your anxiety previously, from what you've said here, it doesn't seem to be working for you. Might it be worth going back to your GP?

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. I can see you have real issues and have recognised them and are working through them, but in most people's worlds it is normal to not look at your phone for an hour and to get missed calls occasionally as a result.

I think if your DH is usually supportive and understanding, you should probably let this one go.

You keep this up and you will drive him away. This is unsustainable.
You clearly have an awful lot going on both in terms of your pregnancy and your mental/emotional well being.
You have no life outside the r'ship you have with your DH. You are projecting everything in your life onto your DH including your anxiety etc. This is not healthy. He may well be resenting you already.
I echo ilove. You need to seek professional help.

I can see this is very difficult for you and I have a lot of sympathy for how much you must be struggling, but I do think you are being very unfair to your husband

Of course he should support you but that doesn't mean he has to be in constant contact with you. It's more important that you learn strategies to deal with your feelings of panic than it is for him to be glued to his phone and blamed for not checking it when he's out

Oh honey anxiety is just awful but honestly your dh hasn't done the wrong thing. Answering his phone every 5 minutes isn't helping your anxiety, it doesn't change anything or make it better. You need to see your gp and get some proper help.

Thank you for the honest replies.
I think I will be better off if we separated. I feel I've become toxic for both of us. He will probably be happier with someone else. And I would be happier if I didn't depend on him.
I am getting help, will talk to my therapist about it again this week.

I think your DH is acting completely normally, and probably thinks if he responds to your anxiety then it will "normalise" it, and of course you know it isn't normal behaviour.

I completely understand because I suffer with this too, particularly the "catastrophising". DH went out the other night and when he wasn't back by midnight I was imagining all sorts and couldn't sleep. I don't know if you've read "overcoming anxiety" but it's really useful and will help you to manage your worries.

My DH is like yours, and won't "play along" with my fears, and I completely understand why he doesn't.

Good luck with it

Honestly, you're catastrophising OP. I'm sure you've heard that term before.

I'd find your behavior extremely draining, in fact I wouldn't be able to handle it. I know you have problems but you have to work harder to get them under control or you will drive your dh away. I know you don't want you be like this but nevertheless it still is extremely draining and difficult for him. It sounds like he's been eminently patient with you.

Has anyone mentioned Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to you? It sounds very much like it.

He is not ignoring your calls or not answered intentionally so you really need to get yourself some proper help. If the ADs and CBT are not helping then please try something else.

I had a GF once who had none of your anxieties (well, none diagnosed anyway) who expected me to answer my phone whenever she called regardless of what I was doing and used to get pissed off with me when I didn't (narky voicemails etc). Of course if she was busy and couldn't take a call from me that was fine! It is very wearing and hard work being on the other side of this behaviour. Sorry, but it is all coming from your side.

Been there a bit op. Really feel for both of you.

Definitely keep working on it. Anxiety is the worst thing to deal with I think.

I doubt he'd be happier without you. He has stuck with you for a long time. A baby on the way is also not the best time to start being on your own. It would also be highly likely that all the negative behaviours you talk about would be transferred onto your child.
I agree with others that you need to look at what other help you can find.

I'm really sorry that you are clearly suffering STB but can you try to see it from the other side for a minute? In your last post you've effectively said you're going to dump your husband of 15 years, as penalty for him not picking his phone up immediately on a pre planned, mutually agreed night out. Can you imagine what it must be like to live on the receiving end of this?

I echo what everyone else has said, that you need to go back to your GP to get some more help - as this current situation is unsustainable for both of you.

I totally understand how awful anxiety is but you cannot inflict this unreasonable behaviour on your DH.

He obviously loves you and you don't have to leave him, that won't make either of you happy. Get more help asap xx

I know it's had when you are struggling with depression but you need help to find a middle ground.

Contact your doctor about the belly pains. Likely nothing either of you did is relevent to their starting now, but if you cant stand up, then that needs prioritising over the latest in your ongoing issues with anxiety and depression.

Report also that whatever medications and therapies you are on for mental health are not working currently. Things like that need close attention during pregnancy.

I'm another who would struggle to meet your needs and demands if I were your partner. Your anxiety is making you controlling...and you punish him with your emotional distress when he fails to stick to your rigid rules. It can't go on like this for either of you.

In the gentlest ways possible, yabu. I understand your reasons (a family member suffers extreme anxiety) but it is not his job to do everything the way you want.
Please go back to your GP. this is not a marriage ending row, this is you feeling extra anxious a d your DH feeling backed into a corner.
Also, talk to your DH, without any tears or drama. I don't think you will have thought of this, but if he doesn't fully understand how ow bad your anxiety is, tears and talk off separation will come across as manipulation to get what you want

• apologies for typos

it is not his job to do everything the way you want
Absolutely.

My god, please see your GP.

Your poor DH shouldn't have to deal with this when he's out.

Why do you need to call him btw? I've never called my H once when he's gone out.

Have you had grief counselling for your fathers death?

Maybe look into that as it seems you're projecting your fears onto your DH.

It's good you are seeking help because your behaviour would be exhausting for anyone. I think separating is selfish though, you aren't doing it to make him happy, it's to punish him for last night.

I don't think separating is necessarily the best cause of action here, op.

You are suffering with mental health issues, which are being addressed and your husband does not appear to want to leave you, based on what you have posted.

He might be trying to encourage you to be a little less dependant on him, insofar as not picking up every time you call - when he does call you back and there's nothing wrong, he's just been busy etc this may be an effort to reassure you that your anxiety is just that...anxiety.

It can't be an easy thing for either of you to deal with but that doesn't mean separating will make either of you happier.