to be angry with my dh for not answering his phone?

[shithebed]

Hi,

I do apologise, I really don't know how to write this in fewer words so please bear with me.

I'll give some background not sure how much is enough though so here it goes:
My dh husband and I have been together since our late teens early 20's, for about 15 years now.
For a big part of this I have suffered with anxiety, panic attacks and a bit of depression (couple of episodes). Haven't had panic attacks for the last 5 years or so but I am left with some panic, mainly related to health anxiety and something bad happening to my dh/someone I love.
See, I love him so much I don't think anyone could love more, he is my best friend and everything I've got and it's been like this for a very long time.I have no friends - because I always felt that he is everything I need and didn't feel the need for anything else and I have distanced myself from my family (mainly because they have failed to welcome my dh into the family and also have hurt me too many times) I do blame my mental issues on my relationship with my mum.
My father died when I was 11 yo. I had a very special relationship with him and he was my world. It was a big shock to me when he died and I still cry when I think about it.

Anyway, for the past couple of years I started having this issue when my dh goes for drinks with friends/colleagues (I am absolutely fine with this, I promise) and fails to answer his phone or my texts. This sends me in total panic and it takes me about 30 min (from my attempt to contact him) to start freaking out.
I imagine the most horrible things happening, for example if he cycled to work that day I imagine him having been hit by a car, otherwise robbed, stabbed, drunk on the side of the road (even if he doesn't actually get that drunk anyway), hit by a train, car, getting into an argument with someone from a gang (he is a professional and has no contact with that world, but we live in a big city and things like this do happen). When I panic my heart rate raises a lot (I have tachycardia), I get dizzy, sweaty palms, scared and absolutely crazy with worry.
I end up going out on the streets looking for him, praying manically that he is ok and that he returns home safely, etc. This send me right into a state and I hate it when I am like that but I can't really control it. When he finally answers we have a huge argument because I act crazy, start to shout "why did he not answer, why is he making me go through this, etc".
I have tried to explain to him the way I feel and I believe he doesn't actually trust that what I say is completely true (and i can see why, it's mental that anyone would think these things normally) and probably think I am using this as an excuse to check on him and control him. Having said that, we seemed to agree a while ago that he will answer his phone/my texts all the time.

I want to mention that I am getting help on this (and for the last 12 years I've been on ad's, tried most therapies available, etc), I currently get CBT combined with talking therapy and things are improving, but it takes time. My therapist believes I am like this because I have lost my father and I am now scared of losing anyone else I love.

Anyway, my dh went to the pub last night, I rented a car to go shopping and i needed his help with something (the zipcar app on my phone didn't work so he had to unlock the car for me and was supposed to lock it after I finished using it). I've called him for an hour and he didn't answer. I got so stressed that I actually went to look for him near where he works; never done this before and couldn't find him in any of the 3 pubs I went to.
He finally answered after an hour, said he didn't hear the phone. I said "ok, I get that you didn't hear it, pubs are noisy, but did you not think to look and check whether I called or not? You knew I needed you to lock the car; what if I had an accident, what if I needed your help?' He said he didn't think about it and apologised. I was so angry and relieved he was ok at the same time. Anyway, I hung up on him. Went home and thought he will show up knowing that I was upset. He didn't answer his phone since until just after 12 when he got home.
I didn't speak to him last night and this afternoon we had a chat (i cried my eyes out) and he said IABU to get upset that he didn't answer his phone. I said he didn't come home until after 12 to teach me a lesson which he hasn't denied.

I am 23 weeks pregnant and had a few miscarriages previously and since last night my tummy is so painful that I can't stand up. This makes things so much worse, I have been crying all day today. I am scared that I am harming my baby, especially when my heart goes all crazy.
I feel like he should help me more, especially in offering a bit more emotional support.
AIBU, am I asking for too much?

I always support him in everything he does, I want him to be happy, healthy, I take care of him all the time. I do all the things he hates doing so he doesn't get upset and try to please him all the time.
There are so many things that I think add up to this whole situation but I've already written more than anyone can read.

I can only echo everyone else - you need some professional help for the sake of your DH and your unborn child. Constant contact isn't usual or desirable and you're going to have to deal with it before it completely consumes you.

Oh OP, anxiety really is awful, and I'm certain pregnancy isn't helping those feelings. You need to go back to your GP and tell them what you wrote here. The therapy/meds you're on now obviously aren't helping and it's so unfair you've had to deal with this for 12 years with little improvement

I have anxiety and depression and I know it can be awful. The panic attacks are truly dreadful and they're very hard to talk yourself out of, even if you know deep down how irrational you're being. Getting help is so important - not only for you, but for your relationship and for your baby when it gets here.

You know your behaviour is irrational - that's good - it's the first step. Your DH obviously loves you - he's stuck by your for this long and married you! But it's really suffocating when you can't even go out for a couple of hours without the constant contact. Why do you worry so much? Maybe if you could occupy your mind a bit more you wouldn't think about it - get a hobby or find a boxset to watch. If your mind isn't occupied it's bound to wander and think all sorts of stupid things.

I said "ok, I get that you didn't hear it, pubs are noisy, but did you not think to look and check whether I called or not?"

I don't periodically check my phone for possible calls from my dh when I'm out. People don't.

This situation is deeply unhealthy but of course you know that. The definition of codependency is what you are trying to set up with your DP. That your happiness and your self worth are entirely based on his behaviour.

Breaking up isn't going to fix that for you. You need to work through everything. I know you're tried a lot of therapies. A slightly wacky one is en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing but I know people who swear by it and there is some decent evidence for it.

I agree with others that yabu. Even reading your OP made me feel claustrophobic, it's very very intense and I don't think I could live under this kind of pressure to be constantly available on the phone and the fall out if I wasn't. I agree with you that it's likely your DH doesn't believe how you really feel as it does come across as very controlling.

I know you're getting help but I would really push for further help as I would be worried that your anxiety would be transferred to your baby. I also think it would be a good idea to make some friends and whatnot so that your poor DH isn't your sole source of friendship and entertainment.

I have no friends - because I always felt that he is everything I need and didn't feel the need for anything else

With all the best will in the world; poor guy.

You do need to see your gp for further help.

Checking your phone constantly, well no-one should have to do that. It's also really rude if you're with other people. There shouldn't be a reason as to why you have to keep ringing him anyway. And expecting him to come rushing home because you've got upset over it is also unreasonable.

I feel really bad for you because I can't imagine having to live like this :(

I hope you get the help you need.

You are putting so much pressure on your DH - you say you don't need friends as the relationship should be enough, that he should always answer the phone... Whatever the reason it's controlling, intense and not okay.

I don't see what sort of emotional support your DH could give when you're so intent on smothering him. Please get some help.

Please get some help; you're clearly very unwell mentally.

I could identify with some of what you're saying, especially when i was younger. It drives people away. Counselling can be helpful, but I found I was talking and things weren't changing as i would have liked them to. I had solution focussed hypnotherapy for anxiety a couple of years ago and i've never looked back. It was expensive but life changing. I'd really recommend it.

Also, your DH isn't making you go through anything.

I think your behaviour is verging on abusive and you absolutely cannot blame your DH.