Too many presents - AIBU?

[UnderpantsLoveAliens]

DS's birthday party is coming up. I stupidly decided to have a class party, plus external friends and family, as there are a few new kids in the class who, on account of having started rather late in the school year, have not been invited to any so far (although this is the last time I plan to throw a party this large!)

So, my problem is the subject of presents. DS already has a Wii, XBox360, iPad, PS3 and laptop, with several games to go with each one. Our house is filled with toys that he still regularly plays with. He has more than enough clothing (thinks a full wardrobe's worth). I am having mini-panic attacks at the thought of him being bought even more stuff. Where the hell are we going to fit it all?! I am trying my best to clear out things and make space, but with little success - he really does play with the toys that we haven't cleared out already.

I really wanted to put on his invitation that no presents were necessary, but this did not work a couple of years ago and people still bought him gifts (most of which were replicas of stuff he already had or stuff he showed no interest in once we took it back home - like I said, he already has lots of toys built from infancy that he is happy with). We have donated the majority of these to charity but at more time and expense to us (collating them and hiring a car/taxi to take to the nearest charity shop when I can find the time).

As much as I appreciate the generous gestures, I am sick and tired of having my house filled to the brim with things that I will need to either find non-existent storage for, sort through, give away etc, and I am dreading the similar aftermath of this year's party.

DS has said, year after year, that he doesn't want or need presents and just wants to see his friends. I have tried to hint to those that have RSVPed that no gifts are necessary, but they are all insisting that they bring something (despite many of them having been to our house before and knowing that we have no more space to put anything!!) It is getting to the point that I just want to cancel the party, but I can't do that to DS.

So, WWYD? Suck it up again for one more year? I know that people are just trying to be nice, but it seems ridiculous when all it's causing me is stress and sleepless nights.

Captain whose feeling are you talking about?

The one who is receiving and don't want the gifts, whose polite requests for NO gift has been ignored? I'm pretty sure they feel more annoyed and frutrated than happy and grateful.

The one who is giving, who, as you said, has a lot on their plate too, has to make the effort to find a suitable enough present but is so little involved with the recipient that they can't even bother to readd 'the little print at the end of the invite'? I'm pretty sure that, like most other parents, they would feel relieved NOT to have to do this little dance. And only do it because 'that's what you do when you go to a b'day party'. Do you think that these people will be that happy to give a present then?

I hate finding gifts for other people's kids anyway. Whatever he gets take to a children's hospital they'll appreciate it more

And for people who say the OP shoould just make some space, read thre thread more acrefully. She has said several times that:

1- she has already cleared things up as much as she can
2- her dc is playing with all the stuff he has
3- he ususally doesn't like what he is receiving because it's either the same he already has or he don't like it. The child himself doesn't want the present fgs!

Okay, instead of presents could you ask for charity donations. Have a pot at the party and get the kids/parents to put money into it.
You don't get the hassle of more presents and a charity gets a donation.
Win win.

In previous years, we have tried specifying no presents, asking for donations to charity etc, but most (translation: nearly all) people have ignored this. I put the same on this year's invitations (ie no presents necessary, we just want to enjoy your company etc), and I'm expecting much the same experience as previous years of being roundly ignored (mainly same friends/crowd). I think what's tipped me over the edge this time was five sets of parents I've had recent contact with saying how they were looking forward to buying DS something when saying at the same time that they knew my house was crowded and that he didn't need anything (they also have a tendency to buy bulky items ...) I felt like banging my head against a brick wall! (OK, that's not true, I felt like banging their heads against a brick wall, but would rightly have been considered unreasonable for doing so! )

I think the stress comes from my job, health issues and having limited time with DS, so there's a bit of extra resentment when I have to spend time sorting or giving things away, or putting it on eBay and arranging a time for someone collect it etc (I'm barely around during the week so no time to go to the post office, and DS and I are usually out with family on weekends).

Anyways, like I said, I'll sort it out like I usually do. Thanks for the more recent kinder responses.

The one who is receiving and don't want the gifts, whose polite requests for NO gift has been ignored? I'm pretty sure they feel more annoyed and frutrated than happy and grateful

People feel annoyed because someone had the audacity to give their kid a colouring book? I have 4 kids, I go to a lot of parties, I work full time, I have a fridge full of invitations and no, I can't agonise over which person has demanded no boxed gifts or charity donations or money towards a ps4. It's a kids party and the fucks I give are limited.

I was simply pointing out that gift giving is a social interaction, one which you can't micro manage and if that is annoying and frustrating then you may just have to suck it up buttercup

If stuff is such an issue for you stop buying it. Your son already having too much is your problem. Don't make it someone else's problem.

My children have got a lot of toys because we have a large extended family and 4 DC so a lot gets handed down too.
DS3 has a birthday soon. We are taking him on a day out and just getting him a small present to open.
I won't be telling others what to get him though, unless they ask for ideas.

I don't drive but manage to donate stuff to charity shops, school fairs, jumbles sales, sell on FB/Ebay. It is a bit more of a faff than driving it there but it's doable.

I hear you. Over the years my DC have accumulated more toys than we can store. However, you cannot fight this... it is part of having a child as much as washing their clothes or making their packed lunch.

You have had a few good suggestions already on this thread, but fwiw here is what I do:

1. invite max 12 kids
2. pile gifts up and ask DC to choose 'keepers' (they usually keep about half, and not always the ones I would keep!)
3. note who gave them and re-gift any that I think suitable
4. give remainder to school fair/ women's refuge / charity shop

Yes it is a PITA to sort all this out - but you've managed to sort out all the rest of the party and this is just the other side of it.

I get what you are saying OP, dd was the first grandchild on dh's side of the family, and a child that nobody thought I could have.

She has been bought an overwhelming amount of 'stuff', despite my protestations.

I have solved the issue (until her birthday in June at least) by a combination of the following:

Donating toys to local toddler groups as she out grows them

Donating toys to my local refuge. I do this every 6-8months, and sort her clothes out (And mine) at the same time. My local refuge is very good and will collect as long as its for a worthwhile amount of stuff.

I also, in the case of duplicate gifts, re-sell on facebook/ebay and put the money in her savings account. She doesnt need it yet (She is only 3) but she will, probably, one day.

Ultimately though, if someone wants to buy your child a birthday present, it is pretty rude and churlish to say no, so smile and thank them.

Sorry you've been given a bit of a hard time op, but many people are having a really tough time financially at the moment, struggling to buy their dc food and clothes, let alone presents, and that combined with the recent influx seems to be putting everyone on edge. It'll calm down after the holidays, it always does.

I don't understand why you have to sort or collate stuff to give to a charity shop? Shove it all in a box or bag and ask them to collect, they'll be very happy to sort it out for you.

OP this is meant kindly, I think when posters suspect whether you are genuine on a thread like this then its a pretty clear sign that you arent being entirely reasonable or rational. This is how i took it a year or so ago when i posted in the throws of anxiety (something along the lines of "Help! My MIL is holding my baby" ).

I think you are right to just accept that you need to pass them on to a lucky charity shop and draw a line under it in your head. Its just an extra bit of work generated by the party and you get to feel charitable. You've done well with your DS. My grabby DS would throw a fit if I tried to give away new toys.

Good luck with the party.

The deed is already done and invitations have been sent out. Every year, I have said it will be the last time, but I think I prefer the inclusiveness of class parties (very common in my country of origin, and see my reasoning in an earlier post). Then again, it shouldn't be at the expense of my sleep/wellbeing, but like a glutton for punishment, I do this every year! (Not next year! DEFINITELY not next year!)

I'm not sure where Notso got the idea that I'm the one that has bought DS all the things he has Why would I do that to myself?! He has his father's extended family to blame/thank for that (or should that be, I have them to curse for that! Although they are starting to understand where I'm coming from ... hardly any non-cash gifts in almost a year! Though I've definitely just jinxed myself now(!)) The only gifts he has received from me on his birthdays and at Christmas over the past few years is cash which he asked to have put into his account. (I like to joke with him that he has more savings than I do!)

DS realises that out house has reached a point of no return, and even he doesn't buy himself that much stuff anymore (other than video games, which he will usually buy on an unprompted swaps basis - one out, one in).

DS is due back from his friend's any minute and then we are heading out. I've had helpful suggestions from some, so many thanks for those. I considered asking MN to delete it last night as a fair few people have been unnecessarily nasty (which is a shame, but like in real life, there's no understanding some people), but kinder (even if incredulous!) voices have prevailed Thanks again!

UnderpantsLoveAliens try not to worry in advance, if you get them, you get them.

Sadly, AIBU is not the most sympathetic place for things!

There are also a lot of people who have some very serious money worries so although you probably don't mean to, it does sound a bit like you don't need gifts and resent others spending their money on your son. Even though you know it is a convention in this country that you turn up at a party with a gift. And you must remember if some parents will do that, then others who have stuck to your suggestion almost certainly will feel they are not being generous or whatever!

I do understand where you are coming from. Honestly. When I was very ill in hospital, after the birth of my dd, some people brought me flowers. I had to find a vase and water and arrange them and I felt so ill. The nicest person was the vicar's wife, she bought an arrangement in a glass bowl with water in it and with wrapping paper around it. All I did was remove the paper. When you think you might be about to die it was nice not to have to faff about! She also pulled the curtains around my bed and prayed for me. Sometimes it is the truly nice gestures that people do which mean so much. So please, if any parents do stick to your suggestion, please enjoy that fact, be happy and let them know it. Others may not, but some may.

Decide with your ds what to keep and what to pass on to other needy children at a hospital or a charity shop. Some organisations will come and collect them from you. A hospice might or Salvation Army. It might only take a couple of calls to locate a good organisation and if there is a lot of brand new stuff most charities would be very, please. If you do not need the money then do not bother with ebay (IMHO).

If you are lone parenting can you find a nice friend, who has no young kids, and has a car, and get their help?

All the best.

underpantslovealiens

yanbu

we are in the same boat - but with double trouble and 2 classes to invite.

each year we have been overwhelmed with pressies - all gratefully received, some played with a lot, some useful things like a character swim towel, few boxes of maltesers which always go down well, then mountains of plastic tat which is played with for the day then cast aside/broken/lost etc....

every year i say never again - but due to additional needs we can't see a better way around birthdays than inviting the whole class for each child.

i really really want to write a note saying no pressies please - am happy to leave it as no pressies please - or add it a £1 for charity X would be fab, or a box of maltesers would be fab.......but it seems whatever route we take would be rude/inappropropriate etc.

any ideas would be great - but i expect once again we'll just send the invite and recieve 50 pressies we'll have no idea what to do with.

hey ho

WOW there has been some very, very unkind comments on here!
The OP stated her dilemma and reasons behind it, yet some of you have pretty much bullied her

I have similar problems in that I have 3 dc and there are now enough toys in this house to last them to adulthood and beyond. I hate the thought of having a party for exactly the same reasons as the OP.
It's the sheer wastefulness of it all.
I do have 2 possible solutions, though, one of which is only slightly tongue-in-cheek.

1. You'll need help for this one. Cheerfully accept gifts upon arrival. Your helper will then spirit gifts into another room, unwrap, rewrap in different paper, and put in a large bag. When guests leave they get a piece of cake and a lucky dip in the big bag in lieu of a party bag. Obviously this could be problematic if the giver picks his own gift but just keep fingers crossed .
2. Bung them all in the loft and have them as ready wrapped gifts for every party for an entire year .

Speak to someone at your local hospital's paediatric ward and ask them what is on their wish list. Gifts to your DS passed to the hospital can make an unbelievable difference in the spirit of a child facing a huge battle.

We stay with our DD at Ronald McDonald House frequently (we'll be there again Thursday through Tuesday this coming week). Because of how intimately they have become part of our lives, DD's birthday gifts at her party with friends are always split between our local paediatric unit and the RMH where we stay when she has to see her specialists.

She has all she needs, but a special new distraction for a child having no rough time can really help buoy them up through rough times.

We actually write our request for "sharing" gifts on the invitations. It is worded "we'd love to have you, but please don't feel compelled to bring a gift. If you'd like to bring a gift or make a donation we can pass on to XX RMH or XXX Hospital Children's Ward, we'd be happy to share your smiles with our hospitalized friends"

It hasn't been poorly received (as far as I know) and this year will be her seventh doing it - she'll be 10.

I would use slightly stronger wording than 'gifts not necessary' on the invitations. 'Please don't bring a gift' would do it, I used to do that when my dc were small and yes, one or two people would still bring a gift anyway but the majority didn't.

(If anyone insists they have to bring something ask them to contribute a small plate of party food, or paper napkins or something!)

I really don't get it, you know if you are going to throw a party you are going to get gifts so why throw a huge class party, and to do it every year. Surely your child doesn't play with everyone in the class and has a few close friends. I don't get the need to have a full class party if you find it so stressful and don't want any gifts.

Yanbu. I also have three. There are toys everywhere, no matter how ruthless we are. We actually have very little storage space or money (I lost my job and now only work one day), can't afford lots of necessities but still end up swimming in toys, even when I sell them as family are always buying more. It's actually hard to ever get the stuff they want as there's a huge influx of stuff literally every month that needs management and selling on/giving away... meanwhile we are struggling to pay debts and build up savings and I waste so much time tidying, organising and rehoming stuff over and over.

It's total affluenza but v ironic when actually you are also struggling with money and looking for work. It looks like you're loaded when financially we are on dicey ground. It also makes it hard as the kids expect this stuff now... I hate it. It's easy to say just give it away but when they get it as presents it's theirs and you have to at least let them get over the novelty before passing on.

Sorry for the late reply.

Yes, I would be absolutely fine with that. This is because (1) I would assume that you are not giving the gifts to me but to my child, and I would consider that a lovely thing (2) I would assume that you know that many many parents deal with this kind of thing and they all have figured out solutions that work for them (even if that's doing nothing for a few years) (3) in the grand scheme of celebrating a child's birthday, the presents bit of it isn't that significant.

Actually, it sounds to me that you are generally overwhelmed these days, simply don't have the headspace to deal with this (and it does take time). Getting upset with the non-compliant parents is likely misdirecting your anger though, some or most of them will have good intentions which you may not like to offend. I think this might really be about other stuff in your life, so please don't read too much into the replies that might seem harsh.

Some nasty little people around on this thread. Do they stay up 24 hours a day just to police this website?

Anyway, I don't think you are being silly, stealth boasting or troll in. I agree with you but it's ever so hard to get that across on the invites without sounding a bit smug and precious. But it doesn't early matter what the other parents think at the end of the day and as long as they get something full of sugar and colourings, your guests won't care either. for the nastiness.

Why don't you give them to the children at the party as prizes for games?

I have read this thread with interest as I'm having a summer party for Christmas-born DD and am trying to think how to tackle the present issue.

YANBU, capitalism is the problem (and cheap labour in the places that construct large cheap plastic gifts). It is so wasteful and at times almost obscene when you consider all the DC who have little. When our DD was born we received about 25 soft toys (4 were identical). I appreciated that people did it because they were pleased for us and there isn't a lot to get for a newborn baby, but what a waste and to this day DD doesn't even like cuddly toys! Boy did I appreciate the friends who sent food instead! My DNieces are overwhelmed with stuff to the point that it puts me off getting them gifts as they are generally 'meh, another thing'. Yet their parents are not well off at all so they have to waste their time tactfully giving away plastic tat and tripping over what remains, while scrimping to afford things they actually need.

My DSis is also plagued with kind ILs who do things like give her ball pits shaped like giant lions that fill her entire small downstairs. She has become quite ruthless though and just says 'don't give us big things as we won't keep them'.

If I were you I'd just take a couple of favoured friends out and forget the parties.