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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Too many presents - AIBU?

80 replies

UnderpantsLoveAliens · 11/04/2015 00:13

DS's birthday party is coming up. I stupidly decided to have a class party, plus external friends and family, as there are a few new kids in the class who, on account of having started rather late in the school year, have not been invited to any so far (although this is the last time I plan to throw a party this large!)

So, my problem is the subject of presents. DS already has a Wii, XBox360, iPad, PS3 and laptop, with several games to go with each one. Our house is filled with toys that he still regularly plays with. He has more than enough clothing (thinks a full wardrobe's worth). I am having mini-panic attacks at the thought of him being bought even more stuff. Where the hell are we going to fit it all?! I am trying my best to clear out things and make space, but with little success - he really does play with the toys that we haven't cleared out already.

I really wanted to put on his invitation that no presents were necessary, but this did not work a couple of years ago and people still bought him gifts (most of which were replicas of stuff he already had or stuff he showed no interest in once we took it back home - like I said, he already has lots of toys built from infancy that he is happy with). We have donated the majority of these to charity but at more time and expense to us (collating them and hiring a car/taxi to take to the nearest charity shop when I can find the time).

As much as I appreciate the generous gestures, I am sick and tired of having my house filled to the brim with things that I will need to either find non-existent storage for, sort through, give away etc, and I am dreading the similar aftermath of this year's party.

DS has said, year after year, that he doesn't want or need presents and just wants to see his friends. I have tried to hint to those that have RSVPed that no gifts are necessary, but they are all insisting that they bring something (despite many of them having been to our house before and knowing that we have no more space to put anything!!) It is getting to the point that I just want to cancel the party, but I can't do that to DS.

So, WWYD? Suck it up again for one more year? I know that people are just trying to be nice, but it seems ridiculous when all it's causing me is stress and sleepless nights.

OP posts:
BrockAuLit · 11/04/2015 01:14

People like to give. You don't like to get. Take what you are given and pass it onto someone who does like to get.

It's not a big deal, truly.

Philoslothy · 11/04/2015 01:17

Whenever we have said no presents, we have got no presents

Original poster
UnderpantsLoveAliens · 11/04/2015 01:25

BrockAuLit, if I knew you and you had told me you needed nothing, and I turned up to your house on your birthday with a bunch of stuff you didn't need as a "present", which you then had to spend time, money, and effort to get rid of/give away, would you accept someone saying "Take what you're given and pass it on to someone who does like to get"? I'd rightly be considered rude/strange.

Some people I've invited have done this year after year, and now it just makes me upset that they see how I struggle to get things done when I'm here and they are only adding to that. Unfortunately, DS is good friends with their DC, otherwise I simply wouldn't invite them. Then again, that would probably be considered petty(!) Gah, I can't win for trying!

OP posts:
Fifis25StottieCakes · 11/04/2015 01:30

If you didn't want the gifts im not sure throwing a party was the best idea as people will bring them anyway as their kids will pester them to get a present so they don't feel left out. I would have took a couple of close friends out for a play date instead and told them to use the money they would have spent on a present to spend on the day out instead on themsleves or if they did bring toys you would only have a couple. I have had one kids party for each child so 3 full class parties, they are my idea of hell to be honest. Now they have tea parties with about 8-10 friends they play with every day or a meal and activity out with 2 or 3 close friends. They prefer this to a big party

Italiangreyhound · 11/04/2015 01:50

If people want to give your son gifts, and even if you have told them you want donations for a charity then you really can't stop them giving the gifts. I do think you are over thinking this and maybe trying to control this issue because there are other things (like maybe work) that you can't control. Please be grateful for the things that people buy with their hard earned cash, even if you then donate them to the local charity shop. So many people in this world have so little, to worry about being given gifts is really a waste of energy. Smile

Ooothatsnice · 11/04/2015 06:52

I'm sorry but I think you are just the worst parent...in fact I'm not even sorry, a PS3?? Are you kidding, you could at least put on the invite "saving up for a PS4 so contributions gratefully received" and there you go problem solved! Grin

woowoo22 · 11/04/2015 07:26

I think:

Put it on the invite
Any presents you do get, keep them separated from your actual toys etc
DS goes through them and sees if he wants to keep anything
Phone someone who will collect the rest eg WA, charity shop, anyone

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 11/04/2015 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wineoclockthanks · 11/04/2015 08:34

Make a note of who gave what and then re gift the presents when your DC goes to a party.

maras2 · 11/04/2015 08:45

Too many presents ? Shock How very dare they clutter your house.I've never heard such nonsense!

NerrSnerr · 11/04/2015 08:52

Does it really take too much time to drop stuff off at the charity shop? On a Saturday when you're driving to swimming, another party, shopping etc just pop in the shop and drop the stuff off. Takes 5 minutes!

keepsmiling2015 · 11/04/2015 09:20

Worried sick to the point that you can't sleep!? Thinking about cancelling the party because. .....you're stressed about the fantastically expensive presents your ds MIGHT get.

Surely you know you are overreacting here.

I agree with other posters in regards to passing on unwanted gifts to people in need. Local hospital, woman's refuse etc. Maybe a local charity? Even if it is at a small cost to you (you seem like you're loaded).

Dowser · 11/04/2015 09:26

Maltesers are a pound from pound land of course and a nice card.

That's the only gift needed for a child's party.

I don't understand all the fuss ( and the stress)

Original poster
UnderpantsLoveAliens · 11/04/2015 09:34

I suffer from a number of issues (won't specify what as it would out me) which means that I can't drive, hence why it takes so much time and effort to organise. A significant proportion of DS's friends' parents know this and yet, nothing changes year after year, even when I try to gently hint or say something outright.

Like I said, I will look into having someone collect it all - it just seems an utter and terrible waste for people to spend money on things others don't want or need. I feel the same here at Christmas - in my family/country, it was certainly most common to just gift cash so that the person could get something they either want or need. Yet, here, so much is made of the fact that so many unwanted presents are stuffed away, given away or resold (usually at a loss compared to the original price).

The details about what DS has were put in so that people understood the scale of how I felt i.e. that he has way too much already (thanks to MumofTwoGirls2 for understanding this). If you think of it as a stealth boast, then fine.

I don't regift the presents unless a parent has said to me that it is something their child would want/like (I always gift vouchers (from a store that the parent has told me they shop from) or cash). In any event, they would have to remain in my house until then, and I just don't have much space anymore.

Anyway, I am bowing out of this conversation now. Thanks again to those with helpful suggestions. I've had some sleep (not enough, but hey!) and feel less panicky about it now.

OP posts:
waithorse · 11/04/2015 09:36

You can't sleep, because your dc might get birthday presents ? Confused

BalloonSlayer · 11/04/2015 09:41

What does your DS think?

Does he agree?

If so you could put on the invitations "DS has mountains of toys and really can't think of anything else he would like, so [he has suggested] please don't worry about a present - just bring yourselves and a nice card!"

DisappointedOne · 11/04/2015 09:42

I once ran a small charity. A little boy asked partygoers why he thought so much about the charity and to donate money for the charity instead of giving him gifts. He raised raised about £200.

bumbleymummy · 11/04/2015 09:44

Book tokens? You could then 'buy' them off your DS - put the money in his account/donate to a charity for him and use the book tokens yourself/to buy presents for other people.

CaptainHolt · 11/04/2015 09:45

Other people aren't as invested in your ds and your party as you are. They get an invitation and think 'Oh, a party, I can regift something get some lego at Tesco on the way.' They don't start worrying about your storage and clutter issues or the fact that you work such long hours you can't drop things off at the charity shop. They have their own long hours and lives and, although they may be lovely and not want to piss you off on purpose, they just might not have the space in their heads to prioritise you gift receiving needs.

People don't like being over-managed so no presents/£1/£5/Charity donations will often be ignored, even if someone gets down the the small print on the invitation.

I adopt a Kondo approach to gifts. The point is the giving, and the social interaction and feelings that arrive from that. Once that is done, you don't need to keep the gift if you don't want to. It has served it's purpose so you can sling it without guilt.

MrsWooster · 11/04/2015 09:45

why are people being mean to someone who seems to have a genuine concern? it may not be a concern that you share, or even understand, but there's a tone of playground bullying here...

TheLastMan · 11/04/2015 09:49

OP, I think people here have been very mean.
There has been a lot of threads on here about not wanting gifts from a b'day party. Often because it's just a lot of tat or because the dc won't enjoy it and it will all go in the bin again. So you aren't the first person wh is complaining about it.
Nor are you the first pperson whose child has so much, Most of the children around where I am have similar level of stuff by the end of primaty school.

I'm not sure how to solve that problem though because as you say, whatever you do will be seen as mean etc...
My best way to deal with it is to say that money is probably best. Then that money can be used by my dc for things he would really want and it allows me not to buy a lot of tat he seems so keen on. The rest usually sits at the bottom of the cupboard and then gets thrown away.
But you see it makes the giver feel good so you are suppose to put up with it Hmm

Salmotrutta · 11/04/2015 09:50

Could you not put his other stuff that he doesn't play with anymore on Gumtree or something and get folk to collect?

There is usually a solution to a problem like this if you look hard enough.

Salmotrutta · 11/04/2015 09:52

suck it up buttercup - I quite like that. I may use it.

ChocolateCherry · 11/04/2015 09:53

This is very strange. You have to accept you simply cannot micro manage other people and what they are likely to do when it comes to birthday presents.

I don't understand the angst. Have a clear out and replace with the new presents if it's so awful.

Everyone gets busy and would probably prefer not to have to do these jobs from time to time but we just quietly get on with it.

Mrsfluff · 11/04/2015 09:53

I think you are having a hard time on here Underpants. I suffer with anxiety and so I can lie awake at night worrying about things that other people wouldn't give a,second thought to.

It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life, with work and health issues and so this party is causing extra stress. I think some of the responses you have received on here are childish, verging on bullying Hmm