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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder which partner is in the wrong?

61 replies

bubblypop · 10/04/2015 23:07

OK, a married couple, 2 primary school aged DCs, each of the couple works full time hours.

Person A does all of the housework, childcare, food shopping, cooking, laundry, organises everything within the house, deals with the children when they are ill, plus everything else needed to keep the household running. Person B has long since disengaged themselves from doing any of this. Person A is very resentful at having to do everything, otherwise it does not get done. Person B will not discuss it or make any compromises.

Person B thinks that Person A is a total nag, and is out of order asking the to do anything regarding caring for their DCs or in the house. Person B has threatened several times to leave Person A when Person A has asked B to do something such as stack the dishwasher or bath one of the children, as it is apparently unfair to stop them from relaxing and to order them around and that they don't have to do anything in the house if they don't want to.

Who is in the wrong??

OP posts:
BalconyBill · 10/04/2015 23:34

Sounds much like my marriage, hence the divorce 12 years ago Grin!

Get rid!!

PeppermintCrayon · 10/04/2015 23:35

He has once again this evening threatened to leave me because I asked him to put our 6 year old to bed

Please stop making your children live with this twat.

ChocolateTeacup · 10/04/2015 23:40

I am sure he is such a wonderful father etc etc (Seriously how often is that the response?)

What is the actual point of him, other than probably financial support, what do you gain from him being in the situation?

Seriously no money is worth being treated like this (previous experience)

NoraRobertsismyguiltypleasure · 10/04/2015 23:41

How do you think your children feel knowing that their dad doesn't care enough about them to help put them to bed? A dad who cares about his children should want to do things with them even if it's bath time or bed time.

Icimoi · 10/04/2015 23:41

I reckon you should just stop doing anything for him - no cooking, washing, tidying up after him. And if he asks where his supper is, tell him that asking you to cook for him stops you relaxing and is out of order.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/04/2015 23:44

What does the man person B do? 12 hour days down a coal mine six days a week? 35 hours a week in an office? Part-time in a spa? Because it really depends.

However, anyone threatening to leave someone because they asked them to have stories and bedtime with their child, doesn't love their child very much.

iwanttogotothechaletschool · 10/04/2015 23:49

Does he have any good points? Sounds like he'd be too lazy to actually pack his bags and go.

justonemoretime2p · 10/04/2015 23:56

You know exactly who is in the wrong.

viva100 · 10/04/2015 23:58

YABU for not throwing him out already.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 11/04/2015 00:07

viva is right. The only way you are being unreasonable is in accepting this. Call his bluff and tell him to leave. Don't wait for his next tantrum because then it would be in front of your DCs. Initiate the conversation and tell him you agree with his conclusion that he should leave.

He is being horrible and there is no excuse for treating you and your DC like this.

Disenchanted90 · 11/04/2015 00:08

LTB

EstRusMum · 11/04/2015 00:15

Agree with others. Pack his bags and show him the door.

ScathingContempt · 11/04/2015 05:11

If he's not chipping in, he won't be missed, you'll just have a bit less cleaning up to do. He'd have too pay child support so you'd still have his money helping out. So it would be a packed bag in reply from me too.

Crossfitmyarse · 11/04/2015 05:15

As far as I am concerned if you both work full time hours then you both do a 50:50 share of everything else. It can be divided up according to who has the best skills at what (cooking for example, if person A preps and cooks then person B clears away afterwards) but there is no excuse for not sharing the chores equally when both partners work full time.

HicDraconis · 11/04/2015 06:04

Seems to me that Person A would find they had less to do around the house if they took Person B up on the suggestion of leaving.

Honestly? This is crap. The children are living in an environment where one parent throws a temper tantrum and threatens to take their ball home if they can't play the way they want to and the other parent is facilitating this behaviour.

Person B needs to grow the fuck up, accept some adult responsibility for the family that he had a part in the formation of - and person A needs to let him pack up and leave if he can't do that.

petalsandstars · 11/04/2015 06:30

Agree- okay bye then. Make sure you take all your crap

TwoOddSocks · 11/04/2015 06:39

Don't let your children get the message this relationship dynamic is OK. Imagine if one of your DC grew up and were in this relationship and asked for your advice; what would you tell them to do?

Coyoacan · 11/04/2015 06:57

What do you get out of this relationship, OP?

Ouchbloodyouch · 11/04/2015 07:17

What are you going to do about it?

Blueskybrightstar · 11/04/2015 07:21

Sounds like a massive waste of space.

straighttothepoint · 11/04/2015 07:44

Call his bluff and next timd luck him out when he threatens to leave. What a twat.

startrek90 · 11/04/2015 08:11

Have you called his bluff yet OP? I don't normally say this but LTB. He sounds like a spoilt little boy throwing his toys out of the pram.

Funnytobe · 11/04/2015 08:15

Oh I lived with a person b who refused to bath or put the dc to bed, announcing 'that's your job' if ever asked to help out. The resentment that builds up just eats away at the relationship. Nothing helped/changed in my case.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 11/04/2015 08:18

I'd smile and wave as he left. I'm a SAHM and DH works full time. He baths DD and puts her to bed as he wants to spend time with her. He's downstairs with her now while I have a lie in and when I get up he will probably make me a bacon sandwich!

shewept · 11/04/2015 08:21

Why do you put up with it? What actual difference to the amount of work would there be if you told him 'oh thank god, thought you would never offer.....pack your stuff and go'.

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