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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hugely irritated at DP always saying 'we' instead of 'you'?

48 replies

TheCunnyFunt · 10/04/2015 17:58

When DP asks me to do something, he doesn't say 'Can you do X please?' He'll say 'Can we do X please?' It drives me up the bloody wall.

I've started not doing things now, we are going on holiday at the end of the month and a couple of weeks ago we were checking into our flight online and we discovered that we needed our passport numbers. So DP said 'Can we fetch the passports then please?' He went off to the loo and I just sat there, he came back and asked why I hadn't got them as he'd asked me to, when I pointed out that no, he actually hadn't, he accused me of picking on him and the way he speaks Hmm

He does this all the time, if he asks me or DD to do anything it's 'Can we tidy this away now please?' 'Can we do our washing this week please?' 'Are we going to do X/Y/Z?' It's driving me insane and yes, english is his first language just in case anyone was going to ask.

AIBU to have a new patio installed? With him underneath it Wink

OP posts:
JigsawsAreAllLittlePieces · 10/04/2015 18:14

Is he Royalty and using the Royal We? Grin

Salmotrutta · 10/04/2015 18:18

Oh my, that would wind me up.

It's the sort of thing nurses used to say in the old days "How are we feeling today then ... Dearie?"

Thankfully that seems less common now.

FenellaFellorick · 10/04/2015 18:19

My husband does this. I ask him "which one of us is we?"

Sounds like he's trying to order you around without it sounding like he's ordering you around.

Start saying
which one of us is we
I'm sure we can, when shall we do it
when you say we, you are actually ordering me to do it, aren't you
yes we can. Why don't you be we today, I was we yesterday

etc etc

fyi - my husband rarely does it these days. I trained him out of it by the above Grin

Crossfitmyarse · 10/04/2015 18:20

Uuurgh. I'm not surprised it's irritating the hell out of you. It sounds so patronising.

My DH is annoying me this week because when he says Bye to someone, especially on the phone, he says 'Bye now.'

Confused WTF does that even mean? Bye now?

He's done it on and off for years but suddenly I've lost the ability to have a sense of humour about it.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 10/04/2015 18:22

Yanbu
Its presumptous.
And annoying.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/04/2015 18:24

"I don't know, can we?" every time. It cured DH.

Salmotrutta · 10/04/2015 18:24

My DH has a rather irritating "Hmmm" noise he makes when thinking about the answer to a question which he combines with a strange mouth twist.

That is very very annoying Angry

CountingThePennies · 10/04/2015 18:24

Is he a supervisor at work, or does he do a team leader job etc?

When in a job with authority over people you are taught on courses to ask people to do things together as you get a much better response from people

Satsumafairy · 10/04/2015 18:25

This is the sort of seemingly trivial thing that drives me nuts! Not this particular thing but strange ways of speaking or odd phrases that don't really make sense! Yanbu.

BalloonSlayer · 10/04/2015 18:26

"Is that the Royal We you are using or are you suggesting that you need me to do this with you?"

FarFromAnyRoad · 10/04/2015 18:27

When in a job with authority over people you are taught on courses to ask people to do things together as you get a much better response from people

Really? Because I clearly recall a jumped up trainee manager at a previous place of employment very nearly getting twatted one for speaking to people in this irritating and patronising way! OP it would drive me crazy so YANBU!

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 10/04/2015 18:29

We are not amused Grin

Jux · 10/04/2015 18:34

It would drive me bonkers. If he wants to tell you to do something he should be honest enough to actually do it.

Salmotrutta, I started doing that awful "hmmmm" thing when talking to MIL. She had to have an overt indication that I was actually considering a response, not just ignoring her. I have to do it for dh sometimes too; it's horrible !

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 10/04/2015 18:39

I often do ask him why he says we when he clearly means me. He just goes 'Aargh well you then, whatever!' He's not a team leader or anything, I think it started around the time DD started to be able to do lots of things for herself like getting dressed etc and being lots more vocal (she's almost 4), he started saying things like 'Come on DD, let's go get you ready for bed.' 'Shall we brush your teeth next or try for a wee?' And it just snowballed from there really.

Every time I point it out he accuses me of picking on him and his intelligence Hmm

OP posts:
Greenrememberedhills · 10/04/2015 18:43

It is rude and patronising. It isn't an accent or dialect thing, so "the way he speaks" is irrelevant. Keep up not hearing- that'll work.

Justusemyname · 10/04/2015 18:46

Used when talking to children it could be seen as encouraging so when talking to a fellow adult.....

hoobypickypicky · 10/04/2015 18:47

Him: "Can we fetch the passports please?"

You: "We? Ohhh... what's wroooooong? Do you need me to do it with you darling?"

BlackDaisies · 10/04/2015 18:53

That sounds really annoying. I would just start replying "yes of course you can...." or "yes feel free." Or maybe just ignore him. Whatever you do, don't do what he's suggesting you do unless he asks properly/ politely.

MrsFlannel · 10/04/2015 18:55

DD pointed out that I always say "Would you like to..." when I'm asking her to clean up or feed the cat or something she wouldn't particularly like to do at all! YANBU though.

Jokerstotheright · 10/04/2015 18:56

It's the little things like this that make me relieved to be single.

LittleMissPear · 10/04/2015 18:57

My DH when asking me to do some always says: "would you like to..... get me a beer?" No I would not like to! I might get you a beer if you ask would you get me a beer or please can you get me a beer but I don't actually want to do it! Agh

FenellaFellorick · 10/04/2015 18:59

tell him if he was intelligent, he'd take the hint and stop talking in such an annoying way Grin

NickNackNooToYou · 10/04/2015 19:00

'Can we fetch the passports?' OP you should've grabbed his hand and said 'of course, darling', skipping all the way giving a blow by blow account of where they are! That'll learn him Grin

I say 'I think we need to mow the lawn, and by 'we' I mean you DH'

Hassled · 10/04/2015 19:02

I do the equally irritating "Do you want to...put on the clean sheets/empty the dishwasher/put the bins out" thing. Works well with the kids ("Do you want to put your shoes on?" and they just do it), but I can see is pushing my luck with DH.

ArgyMargy · 10/04/2015 19:04

How about doing a fist pump and shouting "yes we can!!" every time he says it?

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