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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hugely irritated at DP always saying 'we' instead of 'you'?

48 replies

TheCunnyFunt · 10/04/2015 17:58

When DP asks me to do something, he doesn't say 'Can you do X please?' He'll say 'Can we do X please?' It drives me up the bloody wall.

I've started not doing things now, we are going on holiday at the end of the month and a couple of weeks ago we were checking into our flight online and we discovered that we needed our passport numbers. So DP said 'Can we fetch the passports then please?' He went off to the loo and I just sat there, he came back and asked why I hadn't got them as he'd asked me to, when I pointed out that no, he actually hadn't, he accused me of picking on him and the way he speaks

He does this all the time, if he asks me or DD to do anything it's 'Can we tidy this away now please?' 'Can we do our washing this week please?' 'Are we going to do X/Y/Z?' It's driving me insane and yes, english is his first language just in case anyone was going to ask.

AIBU to have a new patio installed? With him underneath it

OP posts:

ApplesTheHare · 10/04/2015 19:12

I do this to my poor DH and bloody hate myself for it!!! Trying to stop...

marriednotdead · 10/04/2015 19:14

I totally understand how annoying that is!

My DH has managed to take it a step further so it's 'can the bed be changed?' or 'can the recycling be taken out?'
If I say 'I don't know, can it?' he gets really irritated as I supposedly know what he means.
Yes, he does spend all day ordering people about but that hasn't come from any training course!

Esssss · 10/04/2015 19:21

My dh does this all the time, I think it's cause he's a manager at work. Drives me nuts too--I tell him he's being passive aggressive and if he means me then say me!! He doesn't see the problem but it makes me feel like an employee! YANBU!

TinkerbellaPan · 10/04/2015 19:22

Very irritating!! The one that annoys me is when I ask my dp a question, say about politics or geography or conflicts in the world or something complicated, and his response is "well... Yes and no...".

To which I snarl at him "it's ok to say you don't know! I'll google it."

I can not stand it. I also tell him when he's wrong about things because its another pet hate. If you're not sure about something, it's ok to say so!!!

I do love him really!!!

Salmotrutta · 10/04/2015 19:25

Oh God - the dreaded "Can X be done?"

I also do the "I don't know, can it?" which doesn't go down too well...

MumSnotBU · 10/04/2015 19:29

Just say

Is that 'we' me

'We' you

Or 'we' us?

Or just go for a long wee every time he says it.

TheOldestCat · 10/04/2015 19:29

Oh, DH is guilty of this" "Did we send so-and-so a birthday card, oldestcat?"

Me: "I don't know. Did we?"

(He never has, of course. As everyone knows, you need a uterus to write birthdays in a diary and then plan ahead to send cards/presents etc.)

RitaOrange · 10/04/2015 19:41

"Can we get the passports?"

What did his last fucking slave die of

Reply - " they are in the drawer"

SneakretSanta · 10/04/2015 19:42

Mine did this. Then I started doing it back. A few nights of 'have we bathed the baby?' as I returned just in time for bedtime and 'we need to pop to the post office tomorrow' etc when he was free and I wasn't soon got the point across. The look of affront on his face was excellent...

fabyork3 · 10/04/2015 19:59

When I have done something ie chase after guinea pigs he says we did it. If its a job he did he will say I. It drives me potty.

WindMeUpAndLetMeGo · 10/04/2015 20:09

Is he Scottish? My DH does it all the time, no big deal, just the way he speaks - far bigger things in the world to stress about

TheRealAmandaClarke · 11/04/2015 08:42

I think its an authority issue. Probaly a small thing really but quite annoying.
A reluctance to actually ask you to do something. In case you say no? Or accuse him of being bossy?
My dh has a stabby inducing habit of saying "sure, thanks" instead of "yes please" if offered a drink or somesuch. It pisses me off becasue it's like he can't bring himself tomactually acknowledge someone is doing something to benefit him, more that he's doing them a favour by accepting iyswim
Or maybe it's just like that way people have of skirting around, indirectly, asking others to do something..." If you could..." Insead of "please would you..."

QueenofLouisiana · 11/04/2015 08:52

I have been cured of my "would you like to....?" or "could you....?" approach to telling DS to do things.

He turns around and asks "is that a rhetorical question?". So now I just tell him- it sounds less polite, but saves me from looking at the irritating pre-teen raised eyebrows which go with his question.

shewept · 11/04/2015 08:59

I had a colleague that used to do this. My replies were

'i don't know can we?'
'it doesn't seem like 2 person job'
'by 'we' do you mean me or you'

The thing is, if he is supervising dd in her bed time routine and helping her then I get the use of 'we'. Still doesn't apply to asking you to do something.

Vivacia · 11/04/2015 09:05

God this would piss me off, it's so patronising. However, this suggestion really cheered me up,

How about doing a fist pump and shouting "yes we can!!" every time he says it?

AlternativeTentacles · 11/04/2015 09:12

'We can. But whether we will remains to be seen. If you want them they are in the drawer'.

Rudebarbandcustard · 11/04/2015 09:15

I used to work with someone who did this, it drove me nuts because he was basically really timid and didn't have the courage to ask anyone to do something, so he fudged it with 'have we done that yet' instead of 'can YOU do it'

One day he called me whilst he was working away to ask "Have WE picked up my report". I said 'I don't know, have you?...oh you mean have I done it don't you?'

I think it's either a trick people use because they're too scared of giving a direct order, so they try to make themselves sound like they're sharing the load with the 'we', or so,stiles it's used passive aggressively.

Call your DH out on it every time OP!

Ginmartini · 11/04/2015 09:16

Wow I learn something new on MN every day. Who knew the 'we' syndrome was a 'thing' and so many people suffer from it!

I feel like it wouldn't annoy me particularly but obviously there are a dozen little things dh says and does that annoy me so YANBU for succumbing to Husband Irritation.

Original poster

TheCunnyFunt · 11/04/2015 09:16

:o I love the fist pump idea!

No he's not Scottish.

OP posts:

Laureline · 11/04/2015 09:18

How about doing a fist pump and shouting "yes we can!!" every time he says it?

This suggestion is awesome

Joshuajosephspork · 11/04/2015 09:18

As long as he didn't say 'we are pregnant' when you were expecting....

Dazedconfused · 11/04/2015 09:26

I'm scottish I don't think we do this

In all seriousness the card thing drives me wild. There is a calendar on the wall I have all the birthdays I know about on it and cards will be bought but I'm not psychic.

CadleCrap · 11/04/2015 09:27

@ Why don't you be we today, I was we yesterday

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