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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go?

59 replies

DisappointedOne · 09/04/2015 23:00

DH has a group of friends from when he was a teenager (so 25 or so years ago). They're a decent enough lot. Over time they've all got married and moved around the country so now they only meet up 2-3 times a year, usually just the blokes and usually in their home town, some 250ish miles from where DH and I live.

There's been a suggestion of getting together later on in the year at an event that will mean all day drinking, uncomfortable clothes and shoes, gambling and small talk with people I don't have a relationship with, as well as sorting out overnight babysitting for DD. It's also not an event I'm interested in at all.

DH expressed interest in going to his mates before speaking to me. I've asked when they need to know by and when pressed, said that it doesn't really sound like my kind of thing. He's kicked off, saying that we never go anywhere dressy (this is the man that works in his boxers during the summer) and has been whatsapping them my responses verbatim. They're then coming back with suggestions to persuade me to go. Hmm

I should point out that the last 3 times DH has gone out with them up there I've been woken at 3-4am with him paralytic and alone having been left behind by them - even when he's been staying at their houses, and he's then had to get to and sleep in his car or wake up a relative to sleep on their sofa at night.

So, AIBU to not fancy giving up a precious weekend to spend a day with these people somewhere I don't want to go anyway??

OP posts:
Marmaladedandelions · 09/04/2015 23:04

Can he not go alone? I don't think YABU, doesn't sound like fun.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 09/04/2015 23:08

Have said I've no problem with him going alone, but now it's become a "thing" and he feels hard done by that I don't want to go.

I NEVER drag him to anything I know he'll hate.

And I'm afraid I don't get excited about going shopping or drinking all day, so those aren't ways to sell it to me!

OP posts:
Marmaladedandelions · 09/04/2015 23:09

He needs to stop whining then! :)

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 09/04/2015 23:10

Thanks. He's gone to bed.

OP posts:
butterflyballs · 09/04/2015 23:10

Don't go.

Charlotte3333 · 09/04/2015 23:15

He's being pretty rude to you, quoting your responses to them; what is he, 12?

I'm torn; I go along to DH's friend's christmas meet. The wives aren't my sort at all, a bit vapid and wet and easily offended by a good hearty swear. But I put up with it very occasionally. Though last time I went I called DH's sister a crack whore to them, so probably won't be invited next time. Which is sad.

However, if it was an all-day drinking session where he was with his mates, I'd have no problem declining and using the children and no-babysitter as an excuse. None at all. Life is too short to spend it with people you don't like much.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 09/04/2015 23:20

It's not that I don't like them, but just because he has a history with them doesn't mean I want to spend time and money buying a "wear once" outfit and shoes, driving for 4+ hours each way, smiling and making small talk. Have done it weddings etc, but that's a bit different.

OP posts:
lemonyone · 09/04/2015 23:24

It definitely sounds like something I wouldn't particularly want to schlepp to. I hate that feeling of feeling out of the circle and just wanting to go to bed and stop smiling.

I don't get why he can't just go himself? It's not like you are stopping him (which I would think was unreasonable)! I would be thrilled to have a weekend away mucking around with my mates once a year if DH was able to look after the kids.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 09/04/2015 23:29

Yes, me too.

That's another thing. Since DD has been born he's had a week's holiday away on his own (hobby group) every year, plus 5-6 weekends away with different groups of friends per year as well. I keep telling him that one year I'm going to bugger off for July and August to catch up and let him sort everything else out!

OP posts:
Allisgood1 · 09/04/2015 23:30

YABU.

Sometimes we just need to do things for out partners even if we don't want to. It's one day in an entire year. Stop being selfish.

lemonyone · 09/04/2015 23:33

Whoa - I think it's time the two of you had, perhaps, a weekend to yourselves! If that is his complaint - that he doesn't get to go somewhere with you in a dressy place, then fine - you'll be happy to go gambling in Monte Carlo just the two of you.

He does go away a lot, doesn't he?! (lucky guy)

If it's this event then why is he pushing it so hard? And seems unfair getting his friends to push you as well.
Having said that, are you absolutely certain that you would get no joy whatsoever from the weekend?

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 09/04/2015 23:34

Isn't he being selfish for asking me to do something he knows I don't want to do? It's a huge distance to travel and means we'll lose a whole weekend (especially as he'll be puking for most of the Sunday morning having drunk too much AGAIN).

Or would it be fine for me to book him in for a spa day or to watch a musical or go to see a band he doesn't like (he refused that last one - i went on my own) because he's being SELFISH by not wanting to do those things?

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 09/04/2015 23:36

Whoa - I think it's time the two of you had, perhaps, a weekend to yourselves! If that is his complaint - that he doesn't get to go somewhere with you in a dressy place, then fine - you'll be happy to go gambling in Monte Carlo just the two of you.

He took me to Vegas for my 30th. We put $10 in a one armed bandit - and did no other gambling!

Having said that, are you absolutely certain that you would get no joy whatsoever from the weekend?

It's unlikely. It's a bit like taking a vegetarian (which I am) to an abattoir.

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 09/04/2015 23:49

So, he gets plenty of holidays alone. You get none. Nor are there joint, but childless holidays, so he thinks dragging you along to one of his mates weekends is the same as that?

Tell him you are thrilled he wants to go out, all dressed up, with you. Tell him have made dinner reservations for just the two of you that weekend.

Henceforth: for every mate weekend, a date weekend is owed to you before the next mate weekend.

Momagain1 · 09/04/2015 23:51

Is the real problem his drinking to excess and lack of consideration/interest in you, or that his friendship with these guys is his excuse for drinking to excess and having little interest/consideration for you?

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 09/04/2015 23:57

I have no issue with him going out with these guys - but I don't go up there with him because he is absolutely incapable of having a few drinks. He goes too far and will ruin the weekend by being in a state well into he next day. I gave all that up in my mid 20s. He doesn't often drink that much but I have absolutely zero patience with it.

I have no issue with him persuing his hobbies either - we don't really share many - but I'm very independent so don't need him to enjoy everything I do. He seems to think I must enjoy his hobbies because he does.

(We had a LDR at the start of our relationship which suited me fine. I value time apart as well as together.)

OP posts:
BackforGood · 09/04/2015 23:59

Well, I'm not really sure what the event is, so I'm torn.
Like you, I'm happy for dh to go on his own to things, and am equally happy to go on my own to things, but sometimes, just sometimes it's nice to have him there (and for him to have me there). I sort of feel that - as a married couple - you do sometimes 'suck it up' and go to things you wouldn't choose to go to on your own.
So, as an example, we sometimes have to go to social things that are to do with dh's work. It's just what you do as long as it's not too frequent.

That said, I would put conditions on it about the amount of drinking your dh was going to do, if this was an event you were both supposed to be enjoying, so I think there needs to be a compromise by you both.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 10/04/2015 00:18

It's a day at the races.

OP posts:
GloGirl · 10/04/2015 03:46

He wants to go somewhere nice with you and his friends - yabu unless it is very difficult to get a babysitter (and yes I would also hate a day at the races)

Tryharder · 10/04/2015 05:38

A day at the races isn't my cup of tea either but actually I've never been and I think YABU.

Stop being a killjoy, get dressed up, you might actually enjoy it. There are so many threads on here about DHs who are constantly out socialising without their wives so it's nice that your DH wants you to go.

BoyScout · 10/04/2015 07:11

I think you're in danger of becoming a bit of a boring stick in the mud. It may not be your first choice but your DH wants you to come, you'll be together and it's grown up time away from your DD. You have 51 other 'precious' weekends to spend how you want.

Go and enjoy it.

DesperatelySeekingSanity · 10/04/2015 07:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Satsumafairy · 10/04/2015 07:49

Yanbu. I hardly drink now and find it very wearing being around extremely drunk people. I must admit I'd quite enjoy the dressing up and the race part but understand why you wouldn't.

As long as you sometimes do things with him to be a supportive partner and vice versa, I'd continue to say no but encourage him to go and enjoy himself.

goodnessgraciousgouda · 10/04/2015 08:18

OP - YANBU. I'm a bit Hmm that he is so insistent that you go too. Maybe it's because all the other wives are going and he doesn't want to be the odd one out?

I would suggest firstly telling him if he whatsapp's another one of your responses to his friends, he will most DEFINITELY be going alone because it's a fucking childish thing to do.

Or you could just hide his phone for a while.

Sit down with him and tell him you don't want to go, not because you are just assuming it will be boring and annoying, but because that's how it has been the other times, mainly due to HIM. You don't WANT to go out for a night where you are going to have to look after him, utterly off his face, at 3am. You don't WANT to have to sit around whilst he stages his "woe is me" hangover the next day. It's immature, shitty and boring. If he wants to do it, then he can do it alone.

Weebirdie · 10/04/2015 08:23

Spot On.

Sit down with him and tell him you don't want to go, not because you are just assuming it will be boring and annoying, but because that's how it has been the other times, mainly due to HIM. You don't WANT to go out for a night where you are going to have to look after him, utterly off his face, at 3am. You don't WANT to have to sit around whilst he stages his "woe is me" hangover the next day. It's immature, shitty and boring. If he wants to do it, then he can do it alone.

And Im also wondering how many of the other wives don't want to go but are being co-erced into it?

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