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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go?

59 replies

DisappointedOne · 09/04/2015 23:00

DH has a group of friends from when he was a teenager (so 25 or so years ago). They're a decent enough lot. Over time they've all got married and moved around the country so now they only meet up 2-3 times a year, usually just the blokes and usually in their home town, some 250ish miles from where DH and I live.

There's been a suggestion of getting together later on in the year at an event that will mean all day drinking, uncomfortable clothes and shoes, gambling and small talk with people I don't have a relationship with, as well as sorting out overnight babysitting for DD. It's also not an event I'm interested in at all.

DH expressed interest in going to his mates before speaking to me. I've asked when they need to know by and when pressed, said that it doesn't really sound like my kind of thing. He's kicked off, saying that we never go anywhere dressy (this is the man that works in his boxers during the summer) and has been whatsapping them my responses verbatim. They're then coming back with suggestions to persuade me to go.

I should point out that the last 3 times DH has gone out with them up there I've been woken at 3-4am with him paralytic and alone having been left behind by them - even when he's been staying at their houses, and he's then had to get to and sleep in his car or wake up a relative to sleep on their sofa at night.

So, AIBU to not fancy giving up a precious weekend to spend a day with these people somewhere I don't want to go anyway??

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacles · 10/04/2015 08:31

Does he just want you to go to be a trophy wife on his arm and to look after him the day after?

A day at the races where everyone gets arseholes - sounds like my idea of the seventh circle of hell. On all counts. Let alone having a partner who can't take his drink and who needs looking after the next day.

MaidOfStars · 10/04/2015 08:34

'I'm vegetarian/love animals/etc, therefore I couldn't possibly participate in a cruel sport that causes so much pain and death to such beautiful creatures. I'd love to go away with you and the gang, but horse racing is a no-no. Sorry, didn't want to be so blunt because you might think I'm judging, but you weren't getting the hint'

Simple

lastjaffacake · 10/04/2015 08:42

I was about to tell you "just go, it's only one day etc" until I saw the bit about him quoting your objections to his friends on WhatsApp so they could all get their heads together about how to talk you into it. I would be heartily pissed off if DH and I were having a disagreement and he did that, it's immature and disrespectful. He gets 5-6 weekends away with friends every year, a child free holiday doing his hobby etc and he feels "hard done by"? I think he needs a reality check to be honest. I wouldn't go.

Original poster

DisappointedOne · 10/04/2015 10:06

It's not only 1 day though. It's a whole weekend, a hotel and around 10 hours driving to go to something I don't want to go to!

One guy and his wife booked - they live locally - and then threw it open to everyone else. Sonits not like the group thought "let's all get together, where should we go?" It's the first weekend after DD starts reception class too, so I was keeping september free as she's likely to be tired and cranky as she adjusts to a longer day and new teacher, back after long break etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

DisappointedOne · 10/04/2015 10:07

You have 51 other 'precious' weekends to spend how you want.

It's more like 20, but thanks.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 10/04/2015 10:23

Right, well, with all the added information.....

I'd say that I didn't want to go.
I think the fact that your dc has just started Reception that week is pretty important - not, perhaps the best weekend to be going away.
Also, the fact you've now told us that he drinks too much and won't change this - another important fact.

Don't go.

Lavenderice · 10/04/2015 10:28

i'my another one that's a bit torn with this ". If you really do have ethical reasons about the horses welfare then I do admire you for standing up to your principals and not going (I didn't go on a work team night out at the dogs for exactly this reason).

However it really doesn't sound from your OP that this the case. If not then I think YABU for not going. These people sound like they are an important part of your DH's life and if you use the excuse that you don't know them then it's always going to be the case that you don't want to spend time with them. If they are being partners with them then there will be other people there without the shared history. Your DH clearly would love you to be there and maybe by posting your responses he is trying to get them involved to make you feel more comfortable. I'm sorry to say this but your OP does make you sound a bit stand off-ish and boring, I would be more than happy to experience something at least once if my DP was really into it, just to see if I like it.

However (again) if you do decide to go but ruin it for everyone else by being a sourpuss then YANBU to not go.

Original poster

DisappointedOne · 10/04/2015 10:31

The other wives aren't "outsiders". They all grew up together in the same place.

OP posts:

Lavenderice · 10/04/2015 10:37

Ok, but then my point is, how will you ever stop being an 'outsider' if you refuse to spend time with them? I'd be pretty pissed off with my DP if he refused to meet a group
of people who were important to me.

Original poster

DisappointedOne · 10/04/2015 10:43

I think that's the point. In 14 years I've never expected DH to do anything because I want him to. I'm perfectly happy going to see bands, plays, art exhibitions, films etc on my own. I don't expect him to bond with people I see rarely (but have a long history with). So why should it be so different the other way around? These meets don't happen regularly enough for me to need to get to know them. The last wedding was 18 months ago - it will be 2 years by the time this event comes around.

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Original poster

DisappointedOne · 10/04/2015 10:45

And it's not that I'm refusing to meet them, either. If they decided to all meet up and do something we all fancied doing, I'd be more inclined to travel hundreds of miles, pay for hotels and listen to DH puke his guts up for most of the next day.

OP posts:

Lavenderice · 10/04/2015 10:46

It's fine that you don't want him to do stuff with you, but that's clearly not what he wants. He wants you to be there, he wants you to meet his friends. Marriage is about compromise. Even if you meet them this once then at least you can say you've been.

Nicknacky · 10/04/2015 10:49

With a large group of people you won't be able to please everyone, and for the majority of those going, getting dressed up and drinking champagne is a fun day. I'm doing it next week in similar circumstances.

My h has a group of friends and us partners don't really know each other so it was suggested we go to the races.

If your issue is your H's drinking then you need to address that with him. And there is nothing wrong with him wanting to do something as a couple once in a blue moon, even if you are happy being on your own.

Lavenderice · 10/04/2015 10:57

It does sound a bit stampy-feet "I'll come if everyone does what I want"

Weebirdie · 10/04/2015 11:07

Disappointed is your stance on this also to do with you and your husband 'appearing' to not do much with each other what with all your different socialising and different friendship groups.

Just what exactly do you together or have in commmon?

Original poster

DisappointedOne · 10/04/2015 11:29

I think there is a deeper issue. There have been several things over the years, and a few in the last couple of months, where DH has agreed to do something or discussed doing something with others - which would have major and long-term impact on DD and I - without even a mention to me first. These include climbing Kilimanjaro and a triathlon in another country (DH is about as far from a natural athlete that it's possible to be). So never mind the cost, or the fact that he'd be away again it means fitting training into the diary (he hasn't eaten with us or done bedtime with DD once this week). It's all change because he wants to do something and any mention from me that it would have been nice to have been consulted first is met with "there was no point until I knew whether the others were up for it" (different people).

I seem to spend my life accomodating his whims.

OP posts:

Original poster

DisappointedOne · 10/04/2015 11:31

We do have some shared interests. It's just that his individual interests are growing in number and commitment, leaving little time for anything else.

OP posts:

Original poster

DisappointedOne · 10/04/2015 11:33

I can see the case for compromise - and could consider that (although I'm fundamentally opposed to horse racing) - but it would mean DH signing up to moderate drinking (to my definition, not his) and treating it as a weekend for us, not a weekend for him and his mates that I happen to be at.

And we need a serious talk about whatsapping his mates.

OP posts:

Weebirdie · 10/04/2015 11:34

Then I think that is what you have to address.

Good luck.

Weebirdie · 10/04/2015 11:35

This is. We cross posted.

We do have some shared interests. It's just that his individual interests are growing in number and commitment, leaving little time for anything else.

Lavenderice · 10/04/2015 11:35

I agree that you do seem to have deeper issues here and would certainly benefit from a discussion about your relationship and each others expectations of the other. It sounds like you both need to put a bit of effort in here. Best of luck

Slowtrain2dawn · 10/04/2015 11:43

I think your DH needs to put ALOT of effort in from what you have described. And it's a real shame that you have to alert him to this. He sounds very selfish. YANBU. In the context of a balanced relationship I would have said make an effort and go but as OP said there are deeper issues here.

MaidOfStars · 10/04/2015 12:07

For clarity: I wasn't assuming that the OP had ethical issues with horse-racing (in fact, nothing to suggest that to the point at which I posted). I was suggesting she pretend to do so, using her vegetarianism as evidence.

Allisgood1 · 10/04/2015 14:06

This thread is why couples get divorced. Neither will give for the other. He needs to go with you to things you kindly ask regardless of whether or not he wants to and vice versa.

Can you ask him to not get obliterated? Or can you leave early? It's ONE night and he wants you to attend with him because he loves you. If you give he may also give. But if you continue to put up a fight and insist he goes alone then you can expect the same treatment.

Original poster

DisappointedOne · 10/04/2015 14:10

I can give many examples of giving in, Allisgood1. I don't get the same in return.

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