Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been blunt with so called "friend"

32 replies

WibblyWobblyHead · 09/04/2015 13:00

Long rant, sorry!

As the saying goes "You find out who your true friends are when you have a baby" I never believed it before.

My 'best friend' of about 15 years also has a child (age 4) so I thought she'd be understanding.
She used to come to my house all the time before I had DS and when I was pregnant would be ''oohhh i'm so excited lalala, I can't wait until he's here, I'm gonna be like an auntie to him"

Since he as born 7 1/2 months ago she's been here once, when he was about 4 months old, she stayed or about 10 mins and has never been back since. She never rings/texts and doesn't reply to mine so I've given up trying. I thought she'd be there to support me and am rather disappointed to be honest.

I saw her in Tesco a few weeks back and she was full of excuses, she said she never gets a minute to herself and is always working yet her facebook page says differently, she's always out with friends and stuff. Even if she was busy surely it wouldn't kill her to take 2 minutes out to text or even just reply.
When I saw her she said "How's the baby? I've only see him once in 7 months, I'm so ashamed of myself, I'll definitely pop up on Friday"...Needless to say there was no sign of her on Friday and no text t say she wasn't coming.

Anyway, today she emailed me for the first time in months and months just to find out some gossip about a mutual friend and it really annoyed me so I was really really blunt with her.

We're booking our wedding soon and I was going to ask her to be bridesmaid, there's no chance of that now though!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Szeli · 09/04/2015 13:06

yanbu although postnatal hormones can make you lose quite a bit of patience ar least you know before your wedding.

Personally I'd hold off choosing bridesmaids until the planning is in full swing - weddings can be as good as babies for showing friend's true colours

pluCaChange · 09/04/2015 13:08

YANBU. No-one is obliged to continue being friends with someone. However, proven/provable insincerity is a different matter!

ThingummyJigg · 09/04/2015 13:26

Might she be desperate for another baby, and is a bit jealous? That can make people behave very strangely.

TheWordFactory · 09/04/2015 13:30

Sometimes when you get past the baby stage, you just don't want to hang with those in the midst of it.

It sounds like this to me OP. Get some friends at the same life stage; much easier.

Iforgottotellyou · 09/04/2015 13:31

Yanbu at all !! She doesn't really deserve to be bridesmaid at all, and good for you re; the email gossip thing

Nayville · 09/04/2015 13:34

YANBU. That's not the behaviour of a true friend.

Nayville · 09/04/2015 13:36

Don't have her as bridesmaid either op

Fairenuff · 09/04/2015 13:36

As the saying goes "You find out who your true friends are when you have a baby"

I've never heard that before.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 09/04/2015 13:36

I think the same as thingummy - maybe she is trying for another baby, maybe she has had a mc and not been able to tell you while you were dealing with a newborn. If you value the friendship I would be doing more reaching out and trying to get things back on track. If it's ignored etc then shrug it off and move on.

Nayville · 09/04/2015 13:38

PHANTOM if ops friend valued the friendship she wouldn't neglect it for ages, ignore ops child then email just for idle gossip!

Nayville · 09/04/2015 13:39

....I feel strongly about this sort of thing, have dealt with it myself

fulltothebrim · 09/04/2015 13:48

Friends come an ggo - we change as people as we go though life. I have been great friends with some women, but things drift, I meet new friends who come into my life.
It's no big deal to me.

ItsADinosaur · 09/04/2015 13:54

What did the email say OP?

YANBU, she is making no effort to be your friend or part of your life so she definitely doesn't deserve to be your bridesmaid.

BasinHaircut · 09/04/2015 13:55

Ive found a few friendships have dwindled away since I had DS. I don't have time for unreliable or flaky people. Maybe they always were like this but it didn't matter so much before. But it becomes obvious when time is so precious, just who really cares about you/your friendship and who doesn't.

I have one friend who I always made such an effort with before, that hasn't even met him. Fair enough she doesn't have children and doesn't have to be interested in him as such, but when you feel you go to great lengths for people and they don't even care enough to come and congratulate you or check how you are doing in 20 months then f**k them I say!

InhibitionsDevoid · 09/04/2015 13:58

Oh I'd be hurt too, its a time when you could have done with her support even more.
I'm in a similar situation but its my friend who's had a baby and I can't do enough for her yet she never asks after my children (one who is disabled) anymore and the friendship is very one-sided now.
I've excused a lot as I know she has a lot on her mind but its beginning to really nark me after nearly four months of my children being basically invisible to her Sad

PeachyPants · 09/04/2015 14:02

This must be so hurtful but if you were close beforehand and she has been a good friend to you I'd wonder what else is going on. As others have suggested maybe she is struggling to conceive/had a miscarriage and is finding it unbearable to be around babies. If the friendship's been a good one maybe see if you can meet up just you and her and see if you can work things out.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/04/2015 16:19

Yea but at all, she sounds very flakey. No to her being BM, I don't even think I would invite her to my wedding if she doesent reply to my texts or bother with me.

Backtobedlam · 09/04/2015 16:29

I don't think you should ask her to be bridesmaid, it sounds more like you are just at different stages in your lives and drifting apart (as people often do) rather than any malice. If she's busy herself she'll probably be relieved not to be asked to be a bridesmaid. I'd just leave her be for now, you may find you become close again in the future.

Alanna1 · 09/04/2015 16:33

There are so MANY reasons why she might not be in touch with you - I think you are being unfair. Facebook is hardly a good representation of what someone's life is actually like. If you looked at my facebook page you'd think I have a great life (which I do) but there is very little time to myself in it! One focuses on the positives in it. I have two dear friends who have just had babies - mine are 2 and 3.5 - and I haven't seen them yet for a variety of reasons, including massive pressure at work, death of a relative, death of a friend, pressure to keep my house running (you know milk in the fridge, that sort of exciting thing), the neverending need to do laundry, kids going to classes/parties/things that just happen to be in opposite directions, etc. And that's before you get to the really quite high likelihood that your friend has tried for another baby and lost her baby - I have a surprising number of friends who didn't come and see me when I had my second baby for that reason. And you know what, having big strong older children around when you have a smaller baby is not a barrel of laughs for either parent. Why don't you see if you can meet up with her without kids?

Molichite · 09/04/2015 16:56

I've never heard that before. Some people are nervous of babies, or don't want to ring at a bad time, or generally flakey.

I think your true friends are the ones you stay friends with despite long gaps. Those with whom,when you do finally get together, you gel with again like you only saw them last week.

Original poster
WibblyWobblyHead · 09/04/2015 18:00

I'd understand if she was nervous of babies but she's got a child herself so can't be that nervous x

OP posts:
ScrambedEggAndToast · 09/04/2015 18:18

My friend is exactly the same as your friend of 15 years, baby of 7.5 months. Do we in fact have the same friend??!! However, I have an older child, quite a bit older, and realise that the first few years are absolutely frantic. I make sure that I text every few weeks and try not to be offended if I don't hear back for a bit. I know that when her baby is a bit older things will resume again and maybe you should have the same outlook.

FryOneFatManic · 09/04/2015 18:56

Alanna1 Your comments might have been understandable except that this friend hasn't replied to texts, etc, so I'm not so sure I'd cut much slack here.

The friend offered to meet up and then didn't follow through, so if the OP tried, there's a good chance it'll go the same way.

championnibbler · 09/04/2015 19:38

As someone said above, i wouldn't even invite her to my wedding, much less have her as a bridesmaid.

Kewcumber · 09/04/2015 20:02

I had a friend who did this to me and to make it worse I had gone around to her house when she was on maternity leave and generally helped her out, always made the effort etc

When I came home with a baby as a single parent, she lived one mile away and had a 7 year old and a live in au pair and other than coming around twice for a short time, never once offered to come over in the evening or showed any interest much.

I came to the conclusion that some people don't like other people having a babies because inevitably it takes peoples attention away from them.

Is your friend high maintenance generally and needing the attention to be on her?

I don't think it's always about something else sometimes friends who need a lot of attention can't handle that you are more focussed on your child - even when they'd had one themselves.

I let the friednship die a natural death and decided not to make an issue of it and just accept she didn't want a friend whose focus was on someone else but interestingly now that my DS is much older, she has been much friendlier when I've bumped into her.