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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

To wish some good luck would come my way

30 replies

spudholes · 08/04/2015 20:24

Just fed up of the same old thing, I'm very lonely and only have my mum really, no friends. Had a shit childhood and I've always wanted a family of my own. I'm just gutted that I haven't met anyone and I'm such an outsider. I can't imagine why anyone would want to be with someone like me because i'm quite old-fashioned. I'm still a virgin at 25, never had a bf, depression etc, just feel stuck in a rut. I don't know where to start i've missed out on so much.

OP posts:

straighttothepoint · 08/04/2015 20:27

Do you work? Can you join any local clubs?

jonicomelately · 08/04/2015 20:28

Change has got to come from within you. It doesn't have to be anything big to begin with, just small steps that actively improve your life and make it the kind of life you want to be living.

Marmaladedandelions · 08/04/2015 20:28

Oh, bless you

Please, don't feel bad. Everyone is going to say how young you are - you are - but I used to hate people saying that to me!

Not knowing where to start, I think meeting some friends might suit you. What sort of things interest you? I used to hate that question to, but honestly think outside of the box! I had a similar chat with my brother before he died, we came up with scuba diving, skiing and badger watching (bit random! ) What I mean is, don't feel it has to be 'knitting or baking.' Really think 'what would I do if I had unlimited money' and we can link things back!

You'll be fine I promise. X

gamerchick · 08/04/2015 20:33

Well the saying goes that the life you want isn't going to knock on your door and invite you to join. But I'm saying that with no knowledge of how you live your life now.

What are your days like, how do you fill your time?

Original poster

spudholes · 08/04/2015 20:41

straighttothepoint Not yet, I'm a student in my final year, but will be looking for a job when I graduate in Sept.

Marmalade I would love to find some friends. I like baking, gardening, animals. Would love to travel the world with someone :) My mother and my stepdad are also very controlling/over protective so I feel stuck and not in control of my life. I talked about moving out and my mother wants to move in with me... I just feel like i want to spread my wings but there are so many obstacles.

gamerchick Wake up, internet, study, water plants, go to bed. That's my life. Has been for over 10 years.

OP posts:

Shakey1500 · 08/04/2015 20:44

Can I tell you that we have similarities? When I was about the same age as you-

I also had a shit childhood, was very lonely, on my own in a city miles away from home, no close friends (not even back home), childless, no relationship (though I'd had many experiences) and had such bad depression I was hospitalised.

I was literally going nowhere fast. I'm not sure how exactly it happened but I do remember thinking alongside the lines of "Right. Things have to change". I can't tell you the ins and outs but I honestly believe my change in attitude was the key.

I joined a drama group (so found a hobby I loved), met a couple of people through there, one introduced me to my (now) husband, now have a DS aged 7. None of this was a quick fix and depression will always be with me but I manage it myself.

The key really is yourself. And to not let any bad luck swamp you into thinking that everything is dire. Find things that make you happy, wear things that make you feel good, listen to music that makes you dance, tell yourself that things will only change once you do. I really don't say any of this to be patronising, I really have been there. Wish you all the best

Original poster

spudholes · 08/04/2015 20:56

Shakey That has given me so much hope. Thank you so much

OP posts:

redexpat · 08/04/2015 20:59

I think you should go travelling. Alone. It's so empowering, and you meet soooo many people along the way. If you are a bit hesitant, why not find a volunteering opportunity somewhere? There are lots of gap year organisations. You'll need some money, but if you temp for a few months you should get it. I wouldnt tell your parents about it until you have applied and been accepted. I bet your uni careers center will have lots of contacts.

Shakey1500 · 08/04/2015 21:03

I was also going to suggest travelling alone Nowt as character building as taking a leap of faith into the unknown to see what you're capable of (which, no doubt, will be more than you think)

Totally agree with redexpat's suggestions.

Also is there a horticultural society nearby? Allotments? Volunteer gardening etc?

Original poster

spudholes · 08/04/2015 21:30

I'm not that brave think i'd give my mum a heart attack!

I'm going to look for some groups, i think there is a gardening one nearby :)

OP posts:

Marmaladedandelions · 08/04/2015 21:32

I bet your mum loves you to pieces but very gently you have the right to live your own life. If your mum has a heart attack about you being a normal adult doing normal things, then that's her issue.

I really DID give my dad a heart attack by the way!

Original poster

spudholes · 08/04/2015 21:57

I've just had an argument with my mother's bf who just threatened to punch me, kick me out and he threw an easter egg at me. Called me a fucking cunt and told me he'd belt me. He hasn't had a drink tonight and it's showing. he is so evil and I hate that man so much.

OP posts:

Marmaladedandelions · 08/04/2015 21:58

Blimey spud, is that normal?

Original poster

spudholes · 08/04/2015 22:00

sometimes

OP posts:

Marmaladedandelions · 08/04/2015 22:04

Spud, are you staying with your mum to protect her?

Original poster

spudholes · 08/04/2015 22:05

No, I'm just very dependent on her

OP posts:

twentyten · 08/04/2015 22:07

This sounds really hard. Does uni offer counselling? Often very good. Have a look at spice- loads of activities. Looks like you need support to make changes. Good luck.

whothehellknows · 08/04/2015 22:10

Shit, nothing is worth being treated like that! No wonder your mum wants to move in with you, she's got an arsehole in the house.

He's not even YOUR problem, but still, LTB. Run. There are plenty of nice people who don't threaten or throw shit at you.

Original poster

spudholes · 08/04/2015 22:12

I just want to not suffer anymore. why cant i just go peacefully in my sleep? i have no quality of life and never have

OP posts:

Minions · 08/04/2015 22:27

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think joining a local club would be great and give yourself time to settle in and get to know people. Friendships take time to grow. Also wondering if you could have a frank chat with your mum. Does she know how you feel? Does she also need to get out and meet new people? I'm not suggesting going to something together but she may need a new perspective if her partner is abusive. I'm sorry not to have better advice, just didn't want to read and run.

animallover27 · 08/04/2015 22:34

Spud just read this and thought "I need to help this girl." Like you I have felt like that, without going into detail have suffered with feeling like an outsider, wondering why other people seem to live a "normal" life and I just couldn't do it. There's no easy answer but I promise you, life IS worth living. Everyone is different and of equal value. You are perfect in your own way. You are only just finding your way at the moment and it sounds as though you are suffering with depression which is more common than you think. So very common. However, the good news is, you've reached out on here which is brilliant. So first things first make an appointment with your GP and tell them how you feel. They can help. The hobbies idea is great, find a group you can join to meet people. Are you able to get out of the house and stay away from our mum's abusive partner?

Please try and take some hope from the fact that there are many individuals whose lives change as circumstances change. Make a list of your life goals and every day so one small thing to get a little closer.

MNHQ

EmmanuelleMumsnet · 08/04/2015 22:58

Hi there spudholes

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here.

Sorry for hijacking your thread, and we really hope things start to look up for you soon.

Original poster

spudholes · 09/04/2015 11:06

Thank you for the replies. I'm on meds which do work but when things like this happen it makes me really depressed, i'm ok now though.

He is out all the time anyway so that suits me :)

OP posts:

twentyten · 09/04/2015 11:16

Hope it is sunny where you are. Just get outside for a bit- buy yourself some daffs.

Dontunderstand01 · 09/04/2015 11:24

I would look on line about how to set long term goals, such as travelling or moving home and work backwards, breaking it down into what youcan do today e.g. get some travel broucheres or research online, what you can next week, e.g. start a file or mood board to help you plan, what you can do in a few months e.g. when you have a job you can sve £xx per month etc wtc. Breaking it down will make the task more manageable, and you can regularly update your progress against these goals.

Please try to change your life if you are unhappy, there is so much goodness and joy out there, you deserve your share of it. X

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