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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sil begging for our money

35 replies

msgilbertblythe · 07/04/2015 20:57

So my sil has just bought a house, totally over stretched herself. She has always laughed at 'swotty people' and tells me my son is treated badly because I buy him 'boring books' despite her terrible behaviour in school netting her a really crap job. Really cool. Her boyfriend is the same. So there they are, sitting in this house they can ill afford, buying the most expensive gadgets, the best baby gear for their kid etc, and as soon as they run into financial trouble come running to my soft touch of a husband to borrow cash to pay for their water leak and their broken alarm. Now we're in the midst of a mortgage application and need to show evidence of hard unbroken savings, plus we have exhorbitant rent to pay, we have a child and another on the way plus all our other monthly outgoings. But because we're responsible, have good jobs, my husband's whole family see us as loaded. They all think nothing of going out and spending hundreds of pounds on booze, they are BIG drinkers. So, aibu to tell my husband not to lend his 29 year old sister money for her responsibilities, or am I a mean cow?

OP posts:

ToomuchChocolatemeansBootcamp · 07/04/2015 20:59

Does she ever pay you back or is the "loan" actually a gift?

kewtogetin · 07/04/2015 21:00

Surely lending any money to anyone would be a joint discussion anyway? In your circumstances I wouldn't be lending a bean, don't give her any reasons, you don't need to. Just a 'I'm sorry it our circumstances at the moment mean we won't be able to help you out'.

gamerchick · 07/04/2015 21:00

Nope you aren't. All you can do is make your case though annoyingly.

Does he want to lend money to his sister?

ChillySundays · 07/04/2015 21:00

Not if it could affect your mortgage

Chebs · 07/04/2015 21:01

Hell would freeze over before I would lend family money earmarked for our future to someone who basically pissed their money up the wall.

'Terribly sorry to hear your having difficulties. We are all tied up with finances due to the mortgage application - you will remember how ruthless those were!'

No other comments needed.

bananayellow · 07/04/2015 21:03

If they pay it back then I wouldn't mind too much. If they don't, no way.

WorraLiberty · 07/04/2015 21:06

Well the way you've worded your OP, it would be obvious to a two year old that you're not being unreasonable.

The question is, will your DH listen to you?

Joyfulldeathsquad · 07/04/2015 21:06

No I wouldnt. They need to learn they have to be responsible.

You need that money to stay where it is. How can they afford to pay you back anyway ?

ssd · 07/04/2015 21:06

theres something about your thread title and opening post that makes me think you enjoy lording it over your SIL

lightgreenglass · 07/04/2015 21:13

I would agree ssd, so has she or has she not begged your husband for money so far or are you assuming she will?

MsAspreyDiamonds · 07/04/2015 21:17

What Chebs said and suggest that they sell some of their gadgets & designer gear on eBay to pay for their boiler leak! and get a better paid job & budgeting skills

usualsuspect333 · 07/04/2015 21:17

I agree with ssd.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 07/04/2015 21:21

Of course you're not mean, who would willingly hand over their hard earned and much needed cash to others, family or not?

Joyfulldeathsquad · 07/04/2015 21:22

She probally does a little. I don't see why that's an issue?

WorraLiberty · 07/04/2015 21:23

ssd my first thought was that the OP comes across as a bit jealous of the fact her SIL has a nice house and 'baby gear', when the OP doesn't yet have a house and has a baby on the way.

Having said that, it must be annoying if her DH keeps wanting to lend them cash.

I think the problem lies with your DH rather than your SIL really.

morethanpotatoprints · 07/04/2015 21:25

tell them they need to look after their finances and offer to help them learn how to budget.
it's the best favour you could do them, even if you say no, there will undoubtedly be a next time.

coconutpie · 07/04/2015 21:26

No. Do not loan them that money - you're not their private ATM / bank. You'll never see that money again most likely if they already have money troubles.

usualsuspect333 · 07/04/2015 21:31

Don't lend them the money. But try and stop looking down on their crappy jobs. Makes you sound like a bit of a snob.

DoJo · 07/04/2015 21:34

theres something about your thread title and opening post that makes me think you enjoy lording it over your SIL

Perhaps she just doesn't enjoy her parenting being questioned and having 'swottiness' being denigrated. I know I would find it hard to foster many finer feelings about someone who accused me of treating my son badly.

CMOTGilbertBlythe · 07/04/2015 21:36

Nice username! Er, yanbu. What would they do if you had nothing to lend?

MaryWestmacott · 07/04/2015 21:39

So going off your OP, then clearly YANBU - talk to your DH, make it clear it will badly effect your chance of getting a mortgage, and you're sure she'll sort something.

To your SIL "oh there's been a mix up, we don't have any spare cash at the moment, we're just about getting by ourselves."

Is there an element that your DH likes being the one to bail others out? Being the successful one? That's hard to break, far more than your SIL's opinion that you are minted.

Box5883284322679964228 · 07/04/2015 22:05

You need to have a discussion with DH, then together pre-empt any requests for cash so that they don't spend their own money willy nilly thinking they can borrow from you.

I'd text his sister saying 'hope the move went well and that you're managing ok. We
are having to be extremely careful with our cash now too what with trying to get a mortgage and the little ones/maternity leave. Thought we should mention it as we are really tightening our belts'

Then say more or less the same thing to the parents.

Then decline to help when they make demands

Original poster

msgilbertblythe · 08/04/2015 16:29

ssd - I don't enjoy lording it over her. I just don't go to work to pay for the house she just bought. Just because she's the youngest in the family she thinks she can put on a baby voice and borrow money. She's 29!

Worraliberty - I am not jealous of her 'nice house', I didn't say it was a nice house for a start! And I am not jealous of her baby gear either, I bought my own baby gear, what I object to is her buying her child really expensive 'designer' beds, buggies etc, then coming to myself and my husband when they can't afford to pay for the real necessities in life. It's all about show, and people should live within their means.

Anyway I had a huge argument with hubby last night and he's going to lend the money. Yes it infuriates me but it will be the last time.

OP posts:

Pyjamaschocolateandwine · 08/04/2015 16:36

I am confused.

Is it lent or never paid back.

If you are married don't you share your finances so how can your dh lend money without your consent?

He sounds very disrespectful of you op.

DidoTheDodo · 08/04/2015 16:46

Clearly the problem is with your DH and not your SIL. The fact that he has decided to lend her the money, which appears to be against your express wishes, makes me think your partnership could use a bit of help.
I hope he is lending it out of his own pay packet and hence not affecting you (at least in the short term)

On a practical note, make him eat lentils until the loan is repayed.

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