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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think people shouldn't borrow money and then forget they owe you?

39 replies

Luggage16 · 07/04/2015 19:02

Twice recently friends have borrowed money for the train from me. Once the person actively asked me to put her tickets on my card and she would pay me back (4 weeks ago and £10) and the other time a different friend forgot her wallet (2 weeks ago and £20). I am pretty non confrontational and I really don't know how to ask for the money back without it sounding rude and petty but at the same time I don't want to be sat £30 down (We are a 1 income family). If I borrow money from someone I try to pay them back straight away (and tbh I avoid borrowing as I feel guilty). Is it usual for people to borrow and then never mention it again?? Any suggestions of polite ways to ask (I have already asked one friend once). I really don't want to come across as stingy but it puts me off lending to people :( It feels rude to just bring up in conversation though...'oi you own me money', how do other people approach this?

OP posts:
EatShitDerek · 07/04/2015 19:04

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Back2Two · 07/04/2015 19:05

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EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 07/04/2015 19:05

Yeah it's annoying when people do this but just send a friendly text 'do you mind putting that £10 in my account soon please? Details etc. thanks!'

annielouise · 07/04/2015 19:06

Text and say "You couldn't pay that money back for the train ticket - just checked bank account and had a bit of a shock :)". Or something similar - keep it light but do ask.

MyArksNotReady · 07/04/2015 19:07

Next time you are out. Ask if they will nip to the cash machine and get your money.

mrsruffallo · 07/04/2015 19:07

For £10 I probably wouldn't bother unless I was really up against it. Then I would text saying 'sorry, but I am skint, need that tenner asap'

comingintomyown · 07/04/2015 19:08

Never a borrower or lender be

IME the kind of people who need money under those circs are the kind that will be forgetful about repayment

ActingBusy · 07/04/2015 19:10

text them "hey friend, I need that 20 I gave you for the train back, can you drop it round/give it to me when I see you on Friday/do a bank transfer - here's my account details by XXX (deadline)".

Don't be vague or fluffy, you need it back, give them a deadline because just saying "whenever" you next see them/it's convenient for them gives them a chance to forget.

Original poster
Luggage16 · 07/04/2015 19:15

I would try and ignore the £10 but the same person often borrows and forgets (they have a healthy income so its not to do with being broke). Comingintomyown - what would you do in the situations where friends ask to borrow though? It feels petty and rude to say no.
I dont know if either do online banking but sending bank details with a reminder might be a good plan. The whole thing just makes me feel really uncomfortable - I dont want to come across as tight but don't want to be taken advantage of either..

OP posts:
Original poster
Luggage16 · 07/04/2015 19:17

acting busy - I think thats my problem - I get all british and polite over it and say 'yes no problem, no hurry' when they say can they give it back when they next see me etc. I maybe come across as ok with it when I'm not

OP posts:
ActingBusy · 07/04/2015 19:18

if you know that the £10 friend often borrows then "forgets", well more fool you for loaning her any money.

Original poster
Luggage16 · 07/04/2015 19:21

actingbusy - its tricky though as she is a really good friend. It would come across really petty to say no when she asks to borrow or if i could pop her on my card and her pay me after, esp as its usually only small amounts. It is frustrating always having to actively ask for it back though as I end up feeling like a bad guy!

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 07/04/2015 19:21

do they forget or do they 'forget'?

There's a big difference.

There is nothing wrong with texting and saying how do you want to pay me back that £X? Do you want me to give you my bank details?

They borrowed it, they are going to pay it back, you aren't asking them if they will, you simply assume they will and are giving them the option of how to do it.

And yes, if you say no problem, you can't expect people to know you don't mean that. Work on changing your response. Instead of no problem, say I'll text you my bank details and you can pop it in there in the morning.

FenellaFellorick · 07/04/2015 19:22

oh, or say oh sorry, I loaned someone some the other day and they've not paid me back yet so I'm a bit short.

FenellaFellorick · 07/04/2015 19:22

when they ask to borrow, I mean.

Original poster
Luggage16 · 07/04/2015 19:38

all great suggestions :) thanks. I think I need to stop feeling like I'm mean asking for it back. Will message them both. I think they have genuinely forgotten rather than trying to avoid paying it.

OP posts:
AlpacaMyBag · 07/04/2015 19:45

You should definitely ask! I borrowed a tenner from a friend a little while back (it was just easier for her to pay by card when we were splitting a bill) and keep forgetting to pay her back. I saw her the other day and she didn't mention it, but it would have been great if she had. I'm pretty sure she forgot it, but I WILL pay her back!

ChillySundays · 07/04/2015 21:07

In future just take enough cash for the day with you. If they ask say sorry if I pay for your ticket I will not be able to eat as I only brought x amount of money with me

PizzaFingers · 08/04/2015 08:23

Never lend money. People who borrow money are often the most forgetful ones and tend to make you feel awkward when you ask for it back which isn't fair.

bananayellow · 08/04/2015 08:33

If I forgot, my memory is crap, so I have done in the past I would be mortified and be grateful you have reminded me.

If this isn't the case then all the more reason to remind them, cheeky freeloaders.

Don't make up excuses, just say "can I have that money you owe me please"
Or at least next time you are out say "you pay for this (or part of) then we're quits"

lacksdirection · 08/04/2015 08:40

I have a friend who lent me some money the other day and said to pay it back when I had it.
The next day, she texted me to say 'Have you got that money I lent you, because I've got less than I thought I had and I need it. Don't worry if you haven't got it today but I need it ASAP. '
I replied straightaway that I had the money on me and she got it back within 30 minutes of sending me the text.
It didn't cross my mind at all that she was rude for asking. She lent me the money and now she needs it back.

Your problem seems to stem from not wanting to ask what you are being perfectly reasonable to ask, for your money back.
It's a far bigger deal to you than it will be to them.

MammaTJ · 08/04/2015 08:55

I would have no problem with you asking for it back, or asking for it back if I had lent it.

I have one particular friend who will borrow money when drunk and forget she has borrowed it. I remind her.

A couple of weeks ago I borrowed money from her. I went over and tried to give it back but she wasn't in. I missed her arrival home, half an hour later, she came and knocked on my door and asked for it. Not a problem!

PrimalLass · 08/04/2015 09:23

I have a really awful memory (thyroid-related) and would much prefer that you reminded me than simmered away.

IDontDoIroning · 08/04/2015 09:34

Thing is - it's not really £10 is it if the friend often does this and forgets to give it back and you never ask her, it's £20, £40 £100 ????whatever it all adds up to that you have given to her. It doesn't really matter it's small individual amounts.
Ask them both for the money they owe you.
Next time she asks just say the account is looking a bit low and you haven't got enough in the account to cover it. I bet you she will suddenly find her own card or magic up a tenner from the bottom of her purse.
Who in their right mind goes out without either enough cash for the day or a credit/debit/cash point card?

BloodyClarey · 08/04/2015 09:44

'Forget your debit card next time and see if she does the same...