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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

72 year old providing childcare - AIBU

51 replies

JingleMum · 07/04/2015 18:00

Hi,

My 2nd child is due in the same month my Aunt turns 72, very close to her and she was extremely hands on (still is) when I had my first child who is almost 6. She's very excited and looking forward to helping out with DC2. I am extremely lucky as she is letting me know she'll be happy to have DC2 overnight a couple of times a month (from birth if I am comfortable with it, as she did this with DC1) and she'll also be happy to have DC2 for the full day once a week, from birth to school age. She is now retired & i've noticed that physically she isn't what she was since she has retired. She is bored, has no hobbies and so spends most of her days sitting in. She only stopped working a couple of months ago, but in that time seems to have aged a fair bit. She puts this down to sitting around doing nothing, and believes my DC2 will give her a new lease of life.

Anyway, a couple of family members have told me in private that she's too old to offer childcare, they keep saying "When your DC2 is two and throwing tantrums/trying to run away, your Aunt will be 74 and not physically able to handle it" and other things such as "A 72 year old won't be able to deal with nightfeeds" They wouldn't dare say it to my Aunt as they know she'd be incredibly offended.

I'm worrying now. What do I do? Aunt really wants to help out long term, says it will keep her young, but i'm starting to worry that i'll be putting too much on her by agreeing to it? Personally I trust her more than most women in the family who are 20 years younger than her. AIBU to take her kind offer up?

Does anywhere here have family/inlaws into their 70's who do childcare? What age is "too old" for chilcare?

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 07/04/2015 18:03

Can't really offer advice but my 75 year old Nan is desperate to do some babysitting after I have mine in June!

Like your aunt, she's very active, physically fit/well and sharp as a pin.

Depends on the individual, I'd say.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 07/04/2015 18:04

My mum is 71 and has no problem keeping up with my 3 year old, we don't use her as childcare because it isn't practical for various reasons ie half the time we are not even in the same country but I would have full confidence in her being able to cope if needed.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 07/04/2015 18:05

Why not if her health means she's up to it.

She would be hugely upset if you changed your mind I take it?

HappinessHappening · 07/04/2015 18:05

My mum is in her early 70's and is still working fulltime in a nursery Grin

Her age is somewhat irrelevant, if she feels up to it and your happy then go ahead. If problems arise later on then you can deal with them as they happen

ApocalypseThen · 07/04/2015 18:06

Would it be possible to do some trials? See how she finds it for a few hours and extend it a bit?

Jennifersrabbit · 07/04/2015 18:06

My FIL is 71 this year and he and my MIL have our two (9 and 6) quite a lot. More than capable and the kids adore them :) They have slowed down a bit the last year or two but are perfectly sensible about telling us how much childcare is too much. We couldn't manage without what they do though - absolute mainstay of our childcare arrangements.

However surely the answer is to give it a go and if your aunt isn't physically up to it, either she will say or you will notice, and you can make alternative arrangements?

emsyj · 07/04/2015 18:06

I think you just have to take it day by day. My DMum is 75 and I wouldn't leave her in sole charge of a baby but that's purely because she has a bad back and can't lift a baby/toddler to change their nappy/sit them in a buggy/highchair. She is in all other respects very fit and healthy. I would leave DD1 (aged 4) with her without hesitation. I think there are differing 'degrees' of 72 - some folk are aged and frail at that age, many are quite fit and capable. If she wants to be involved, let her provided you feel your baby is safe.

chocolatescones · 07/04/2015 18:07

I think it's great you have someone you love and trust who wants to help out, lucky you! I've not got a lot of experience but I would play it by ear- you could try one overnight but maybe a bit later, but again wait and see what kind of sleeper your DC2 is first! And start with your Aunt having DC2 for just a few hours (you could say it's for a gradual transition so your DC2 gets to know her) before a full half/ full day.

Some babies can be massively easy in the day and others really tiring so it could be a case of waiting and seeing.

As to thinking about toddler tantrums-that's a long way off, just take it one day at a time I would say.

And very refreshing to read about someone who has a family member offering childcare who they trust and doesn't do their head in with their DCs!!

Original poster
JingleMum · 07/04/2015 18:10

Thanks everyone. I guess i'm looking into the future a bit and thinking is 74/75 a bit too old to deal with a toddler? I personally don't think it is from what I see at the school gates, their appears to be a lot of Grandparents doing pick ups that look well into their 70's, and a lot of them have a baby or toddler in tow. I'd have no issue with a 75 year old minding my DC1 who is 5, I just don't know if it's realistic with a toddler?

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 07/04/2015 18:15

It really depends on the 75 year old - and the toddler. I definitely wouldn't give an outright no, but I'd watch and see how their relationship goes.

Hillingdon · 07/04/2015 18:19

I was going to say 70 plus is a bit old until you said how many older people you see at the school gate - you are right... A toddler would be tricky though especially one thats a bit lively but you know your Aunt best of all

TwoOddSocks · 07/04/2015 18:21

I agree with waiting and seeing. You won't possibly know whether she'll be physically up to it in three or four years time at this stage. Some 75 year olds are incredibly fit and some toddlers are laid back. On the other hand at that age it can just take one bad fall or accident to really reduce mobility, even in an otherwise very fit person. I certainly would make sure you're able to find alternative arrangements if it turns out she's not up to it.

Whether or not you end up relying on her for childcare you could still be sure to include her in your family as much as possible and make her feel useful.

pootlebug · 07/04/2015 18:23

My aunt is 76 and my uncle nearly 80. I would totally trust them with my kids (7,5,3) and would have done at any point up to now.

By contrast my DH's parents are 83 but I wouldn't have left the kids with them even several years ago - as they weren't physically up to it.

Totally depends on the individual, imo.

Purplepoodle · 07/04/2015 18:23

My parents are in their 70s. They cope fine with my 4 and 6 year old but find my 2 year old a bit much. It's ok if they are in the house and it's for a couple of hours but they couldn't cope outside with him.

Best advice is to watch her with baby/toddler for a day when u r together. U will soon c if she can cope or not

Bambambini · 07/04/2015 18:28

For a few hours here and there - possibly. For long term child care, I think babies and toddlers can be exhausting so I wouldn't. Never expected it from our parents even when they were younger - not hours and hours and days of looking after young children.

ThomasDisaster · 07/04/2015 18:29

My DS is 3 and is looked after 2 days per week by his 78 year old grandmother who has every intention of doing the same for his sibling who is due next month. This has been a regular commitment since DS was 10months old & I returned to work.

It works well for us and both of them (and me!) have benefitted from the arrangement but only you can judge how fit/capable you think your Aunt is as its down the individuals concerned.

My DS Grandfather is also 78 and wouldn't be capable of looking after DS for 2 hours so it just depends.

VexiLexi303 · 07/04/2015 18:32

My gran (who's more like a mother to me really!) is amazing with my DS, she's sharp as a tack and completely fit for her age, she scoffs if I even joke about her being tired.

She has DS overnight once a week and loves it. She always tells me "You're only as young as you feel." And apparently she feels like she's in her twenties again Grin

But that's just me! If you trust your aunt and think she's up to the job (physically and mentally) then let her do it. I got such comments about my GM minding DS but she'd give whoever said them an ear full if I told her about the comments. If you're still worried then like PP's said give her a test run and see how she goes. Best of luck ! Smile

MirandaGoshawk · 07/04/2015 18:32

My neighbour is 74 and looks after her 3-yr old Dgd all day long, every day and has done for 2 years. She gets tired but manages fine - her DD trusts her more than she would anyone else.

I wouldn't listen to the naysayers. Let this lovely lady be the judge of whether she can cope or not. You are very fortunate!

ginmakesitallok · 07/04/2015 18:37

My mil is 71 and does the school run for us three days a week. She's very fit and able, but not all 70 year olds are.

Original poster
JingleMum · 07/04/2015 18:39

I know, i'm so fortunate, and I so appreciate it. Thanks so much for the comments, feeling better about it now. I felt so guilty.

Vexi Can I ask how old your Gran is?

OP posts:
DancingHat · 07/04/2015 18:40

My MIL is 72 and looks after DD aged 2 for half a day a fortnight but would do it weekly if needed. There's allowances which need to be made such as making a changing area downstairs instead of her having to go upstairs but other than that it's been fine (apart from her just being a bizarre person but that's not age, that's her!). I have no physical concerns and if your aunt is actually good at it and not bizarre why not?

HMF1 · 07/04/2015 18:41

My parents 79 & 85 still look after my 4 year old niece one day a week from 8 - 6.30 . Yes they are slow but they still do things with her. It isn't age that is the issue it's the ability & mobility of that person.

pressone · 07/04/2015 18:44

Many of us will have to work until we are 68 in full time and often physical jobs, I therefore see no reason why a fit and sharp 72 year old should not look after children on a part-time basis.

This may not always be the case so I would not make this a long term plan - you will have to suck it and see.

VexiLexi303 · 07/04/2015 18:52

Jingle, my gran is 75 Smile

Effic · 07/04/2015 19:02

Entirely depends on the 70 year old! My mum is 71, mucks out & rides two horses everyday. Both over 17.1 hands, one she competes dressage on to advance level & the other is to go hunting on! My day (74) is currently up the scaffold tower he hired and built painting the outside of their house so looking after their grandchild is a breeze!!!