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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

72 year old providing childcare - AIBU

51 replies

JingleMum · 07/04/2015 18:00

Hi,

My 2nd child is due in the same month my Aunt turns 72, very close to her and she was extremely hands on (still is) when I had my first child who is almost 6. She's very excited and looking forward to helping out with DC2. I am extremely lucky as she is letting me know she'll be happy to have DC2 overnight a couple of times a month (from birth if I am comfortable with it, as she did this with DC1) and she'll also be happy to have DC2 for the full day once a week, from birth to school age. She is now retired & i've noticed that physically she isn't what she was since she has retired. She is bored, has no hobbies and so spends most of her days sitting in. She only stopped working a couple of months ago, but in that time seems to have aged a fair bit. She puts this down to sitting around doing nothing, and believes my DC2 will give her a new lease of life.

Anyway, a couple of family members have told me in private that she's too old to offer childcare, they keep saying "When your DC2 is two and throwing tantrums/trying to run away, your Aunt will be 74 and not physically able to handle it" and other things such as "A 72 year old won't be able to deal with nightfeeds" They wouldn't dare say it to my Aunt as they know she'd be incredibly offended.

I'm worrying now. What do I do? Aunt really wants to help out long term, says it will keep her young, but i'm starting to worry that i'll be putting too much on her by agreeing to it? Personally I trust her more than most women in the family who are 20 years younger than her. AIBU to take her kind offer up?

Does anywhere here have family/inlaws into their 70's who do childcare? What age is "too old" for chilcare?

OP posts:

Effic · 07/04/2015 19:02

Dad not day!

EveBoswell · 07/04/2015 19:03

JingleMum As someone in her seventies, I would be cross if people thought that '...couple of family members have told me in private that she's too old to offer childcare...' and it referred to me.

Apart from the fact that it's none of their business, what age do they think people should stop helping their families? From what you say, your aunt is perfectly able, both mentally and physically, and it's entirely up to you to make any decision about your DCs and her.

Are the couple of family members the type who think that couples should not make love have sex after they are 40?

Kelly1814 · 07/04/2015 19:05

My DD is almost 2 and has not yet had one tantrum. My grandmother could totally cope with her and she's older.

RumbleMum · 07/04/2015 19:11

Absolutely agree it depends on the individual. My Dad (80) and Mum (71) cope fine with my two DC (4 and gigantic tantrumming 18 month old) and my niece (1), including carrying them around, lifting etc. They don't do regular childcare and do get tired but cope fine and we still leave the kids overnight - we're leaving the 18 month old for three days this summer and I know they'll be fine.

Original poster

JingleMum · 07/04/2015 19:25

EveBoswell I completely agree, it's none of their business. I believe nowadays 70 is not old, I don't start to think of someone as "getting on" until they are around 80, and even then if they are fairly physically fit & well I wouldn't really view them as very old.

The 2 family members who said it, one of them is 50, heavy smoker, suffers with depression, and isn't physically very fit themselves. The other family member (my cousin, but not my Aunt i'm speaking of's Daughter) has a 2 year old (Whom this aunt has minded twice) and her two year old is wild! Much more so than her other 3 kids ever were at that age, or my DC ever was at that age. So maybe that's clouding her judgement? She's an extremely laid back parent and there aren't many boundaries, her 2 year old gets away with almost anything. My Aunt found my cousin's 2 year old to be a real handful. Maybe my cousin assumes my child will be like hers?

OP posts:

eyebags63 · 07/04/2015 19:28

It depends on the individuals concerned (grandparent AND child). Some people are incredibly fit and healthy well into old age and others are fit to drop at 65. On the other side some toddlers are very laid back and others can be a complete nightmare.

I certainly wouldn't be letting my friends or family bias my decision. Maybe they think you are planning to dump DC on your aunt at every opportunity and are trying to protect her? Maybe they have some other agenda, who knows.

I would wait and see how things pan out.

dimdommilpot · 07/04/2015 19:28

My MIL will soon be 73 and she provides childcare 1 days a week for my 4.5yr old, my 1 year old and after school for 8yr old niece every day. Depends on the person.

eyebags63 · 07/04/2015 19:28

It might be that she looks after the baby a couple of times and decides herself it is too much, or she might get on wonderfully well.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 07/04/2015 19:31

My nan babysits at 83. She looked after me and dd1 - if I mentioned she may be too old she would be devastated.

Just see how it goes

purplemurple1 · 07/04/2015 19:43

Our 18month old has quite a temper but mil is 82 walks with a walker and uses a litter picker to pick things up but is fine with him for a couple of hours at a time.
He doesnt pester her to pick him up as she never has, and rarely tantrums with her as she just leaves him too it etc
Dont under estimate how much experince can ease the job of looking after babies.

PowderMum · 07/04/2015 19:45

As others have said it really depends on the individual and can change quite quickly. My parents are in their 70's up to last autumn I would have said they were all more than capable at looking after the younger ones (under 1) however my DM has been ill and would now not be able to do it and it may be some time (if ever) that she could.
My PIL and are of a similar age and do at least 1 long full day and an overnight per week.

KatieScarlettreregged · 07/04/2015 19:51

My granny babysat every 2nd Saturday night and various long weekends on her own for years (DC grown up now).
From the age of 83 - 92.
Having 5 kids and 13 Grandchildren taught her a thing or 20. She could keep them amused for hours just with the contents of her handbag.
She's now 97 and still living alone. Loves her garden and her social life and is as fit as a flea.

Oakmaiden · 07/04/2015 19:55

Just make it clear to her that if she starts to feel it is a bit much she MUST tell you, and you will find some other way for her to be involved without her needing to devote all her energies to an active toddler.

LaBelleDameSansPatience · 07/04/2015 19:58

My mother looked after baby/toddler Dd when she was in her mid 80's ... Never a problem with tantrums; it would not have occurred to DD to tantrum for her grandmother. I never had to pay for child care, which meant that I could work part time and spend time with both and that my mother felt useful. Really valuable for children to have a relationship with old people ...

LaLyra · 07/04/2015 20:07

I think the ability to give childcare completely depends on the person.

MIL and FIL are 68 and give the kids more than a run for their money in the fitness stakes. My sister is 40 and has a bad shoulder, a dodgy knee and a level of fitness that means I'd never leave her solo with a younger child.

If you are happy with her care and she's happy with it then go with it. Arbitrary age cut offs are pointless.

GamoraStarlord · 07/04/2015 20:34

My nan is 84 and does a great job with my dd. She is slow now but she had lots of techniques for looking after dd when she was smaller. She is 7 now and after me, her dad and her step-dad My nan is her favourite and most trusted person. She spends the night there once a week and loves her to pieces. If you trust her then go for it.

AsBrightAsAJewel · 07/04/2015 20:47

With the changes in retirement ages that is not much older than the child's teachers could be - just imagine a 68 year old EYFS teacher.

halcyondays · 07/04/2015 20:55

It isn't down to age, it depends how fit and mobile the person is and whether they want to do it of course. There isn't much point worrying about how she will be in two years, she could start off by doing the odd bit of babysitting and see how it goes.

bananayellow · 07/04/2015 21:00

Very much depends on the individual.

I'd say yes please but say that you think you might like to try a nursery at some point in the future as you think it will be good for socialisation, then you have a ready made excuse if you think she is not coping very well.

Hakluyt · 07/04/2015 21:07

My mother looked after mine on a regular basis until she was in her early 80s. It depends very much on the person and the child. My mother was incredibly good at finding fascinating things to do that fitted in with her physical abilities-particularly as she got a little frailer. Crucially though, she was the one who called it a day- do you think your aunt will be able to do that?

takemeuptheeiffeltower · 07/04/2015 21:10

It depends on the person.
I know some extremely fit people in their 70's who run marathons. I also know some extremely unfit women in their 20's who definitely wouldn't be able to keep up with a toddler.
And you get it the other way around.

In some ways I would prefer an older person to watch my child as they are more likely to talk and interact a lot with the child throughout the day, as opposed to a younger person, who will more than likely spend a lot of time on their mobiles instead of talking to my child.

You only have to watch a grandparent with their grandchild in a cafe to see this at work.

2old2beamum · 07/04/2015 21:20

I am 71 Dh 68! We are parents (adopted I hasten to add) to DS16 and DD9 who are disabled (neither mobile) and have complex health needs. Both are tube fed, DD has a very active colostomy and needs 2 infusions/week all done by me. Ds is deaf/blind and has poorly controlled epilepsy. We get 5 nights/month respite so we can do social activities with our 3 DC's with Down Syndrome

We are not gaga or frail a lot of my friends of similar age are doing the same!

Oh dear I have wet myself

Permanentlyexhausted · 07/04/2015 21:55

It depends on the individual. My soon to be 78-year-old mum still has my children after school a couple of times a week and has them for sleepovers. She also still works, as does my dad who is the same age.

If she thinks she's okay to do it, and you agree, then don't listen to the naysayers.

ThreeBs · 07/04/2015 21:55

My MIL is very nearly 80 and has my 2 year old 2.5 days per week.
She doesn't have to deal with tantrums because he doesn't throw them at her house (they are saved for us).
She takes him out for walks with her dogs everyday and he doesn't winge about having a carry because he knows he won't get one.
She is quite capable of picking him up when he falls, or for a cuddle but not for a walk, and he knows this.
He loves to go to his Gran's - he gets spoilt by her, as he should. And she really loves to look after him.

CatsRule · 07/04/2015 21:57

My Mum is 75 and looks after my 3 year old ds a few days per week. She is way ahead of him and is very capable. I've always said it's on her terms and she must say if she feels it's too much. She offered the days she wanted to do and also looks after my neice on another day. I think her grandchildren are giving her the challenge she wants! I think of your Aunt is capable, wants to help and you feel your children are safe then why not. Not all 75 year olds are old

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