To feel so let down by my armed forces career?

[Magpiesinmygarden]

I'm leaving the Army after quite a substantial amount of time. On the surface you'd think I was very successful, I've been promoted, travelled the world etc and my family are really proud of my success. Inwardly I feel nothing but a sense of bitterness and disappointment in how things turned out. I started off an idealistic probably naive person really proud of what I was doing but as the years went on I've been bullied, harassed, (and seen others bullied and harassed) belittled, trodden down, patronised and very much under valued. I've been two two theatres of operation (Iraq and Afghanistan) and I don't feel like we achieved anything long lasting, I feel angry that so many young people lost their lives and limbs for what I saw as very little gain. I've seen so many men in positions of authority openly cheating on their wives (who have no idea) stealing money and goods from the system and generally being so highly corrupt its staggering. The system is so floored and biased its a joke. I've tried to stand up for what I believed was right, for other who were less able and I've found myself being bullied and harassed over a number of years. The complaints system is a joke, nothing is ever done.

I'm walking away now, but I feel so bitter and disillusioned. All I can think now is why didn't I leave sooner? I'm sad that I feel this way. I want to say I'm really proud of my service but I can't. How can I get past this horrible feeling that I've wasted good years and move on to the next chapter with a more positive outlook?

If you actually saw money and goods being stolen - what did you do about it?

What complaints system did you use? The current system is excellent and takes complaints outside of RD to make it fairer.

As for your actual question - Well you look at the positives with what you have done, the places you have been, the experiences you have had and the money you have earned. You force yourself to become 'glass half full' and look for the good instead of focussing on the bad.

Reported theft to chain of command-nothing done. Reported with evidence to SIB- nothing done. Hushed up brushed under carpet. This is one case of many.

Reported bullying to complaints service, four years later still on going. Ive Investigated complaints as service person, individual in question was accused of bullying (not actually guilty turns out complainee had made up story and had long history of doing so) but individual was still driven to the point of contemplating suicide because everyone assumed guilt. Another Friend put in complaint, turns out his file had been flagged and he was black balled. These are to name but a few over a long period of time, system is not excellent by any means. I've seen it grind down so many good people.

I guess I'm just in a dark place with it all. I can't do the 'glass half empty' thing. I'd love to, I really would, but I just feel so ground down and burnt out with it all.

I remember someone who had just completed National Service (in another country) comment that he'd expected the army to be well-run, and was sickened by the waste he saw. (Commented particularly on equipment left to rot.)

I supposed he assume that in an authoritarian environment the priorities of the leadership would be closely followed.

I would expect any large, top-down organisation with no competition to be fairly wasteful. Though I suppose lack-of-funds versus size-of-mission must impose some discipline on the army, and NHS.

I don't know what to say, Magpies, except I am glad you tried to address corruption, and I am sorry it got you nowhere.

I hope you can take the skillset you have from the forces and turn it into a civilian life that you can look back on with pleasure.

I sympathise. I left over a year ago after having my promotion removed after pregnancy related illness. I couldn't complete the last 3 week course by the deadline set, although I went on to complete it 3 months later and get top student. They removed my promotion and £700 per month from me. I later had it given back, and they admitted they were in the wrong.

I couldn't move past it.

A year on, I've had success in my new life and I'm able to look past that time and remember the good times I had; and there were many.

The cheating thing... I agree to some extent, but for every man who cheated, there were far more who didn't. You just notice it more because of the close confines on draft. Every nasty little facet really gets exposed.

I wish you well.

I'm sorry you are so disillusioned.

I would tell your story to as many people as will listen. Maybe even the press.

Forgot to add, when I flagged it up (the theft) then that's when the bullying began. Person is quite senior and has used position to harass me ever since. I know that sounds paranoid but believe me its what happened. I reported it and people would say that they would back me up, funny old thing when it came to actually standing up people became very career conscious all of a sudden. So much for integrity and moral courage! Feel like I've tried to do the right thing and just been shafted for it. It feels disloyal writing this down but I've got to a point where my bitterness is just bursting out now.

I've made some fantastic friends, got a wonderful husband and child, job prospects looking great. I just can't seem to let go of this resentment. Feel like I lived up to my side of the bargain, why didn't the Army? That sounds naive I know, idealistic I know but that's how I feel.

Did anyone else start out in their career with high hopes and end up feeling this way?

All big institutions (government, armed forces, nhs, police, banks, industry etc) have narratives which tell their staff how wonderful the institution is, how their staff are contributing to a greater good and how each and everyone of them is responsible for upholding the high standards of the whole. But they all fall short to a greater or lesser extent because what they aim for is aspirational rather than realistic. But that does not mean that the vast majority of those who work there do not try hard to meet the objectives. Every organisation has chancers - at all levels - who play the system outrageously for personal gain and get away with it. You will find the same wherever you go to next.
Leaving a career is tough. A time of big transition. But I hope that when you look back you will start to focus as much on the positives as on the negatives. The campaigns in Iraq and Afghanistan did not end as people wanted. But who is to say things would have turned out better without them? Whatever happened I think you should remember that most people in Uk have enormous respect and admiration for those like you who have put their lives on the line to support the policies of the governments we have elected.

re cheating thing... go to any large organisation and you'll see plenty of it, both sexes. And it's nothing to do with who employs them. Re everything else in your post I suppose you just have to try and focus on positves if there were any.

Thanks ladies, its good to get it out.

Willow- that's not good. Did you get to leave with your new rank restored? I'm really hoping that ill be able to get past all this stuff when I'm on the other side.

The cheating thing was just so wrong because those seniors that were doing it were in positions of responsibility where they disciplined others who were caught having affairs! I don't condone affairs by any means, but the hypocrisy was amazing!!

This didn't all happen in one posting btw! This is over a long period of time, I guess my tolerance has just eroded when I look back now and think what was all that about!! My husband (also ex mil) thinks I'm too idealistic about it all.

The press wouldn't be interested.

It's strange about the money theft. Especially as theft of cash isn't investigated by the RMP or SIB.

I'm sure I could go through my service and find parts that were awful. Regts and CoC that were atrocious, Units that were a joke. But I chose not to focus on them. I remember my comrades, my friends, my soul mates. The good I did and the beauty I found in the most unexpected places. The fun and games, the hard work, the experiences and the challenges I overcame again and again.

It's all you can do. If you focus on the negative, on the bad and on the depressing then you will break.

If you really cannot do that then you may wish to consider professional help. Depression is an illness and nothing to be ashamed of - if you feel stuck by how you are feeling then it's time to ask for assistance.

Good luck.

Eve- can I ask how long you've been out? I'm hoping that with time I can get to that point, maybe at the moment I can't see the wood for the trees.

Magpies, you ask if people from other professions feel the same.

DH and I have both encountered this - he was RAF until this time last year, now doing v similar job, same base but as a civvie. Much more enjoyable.

Me? I was a teacher for 16 years, fully intended to be a career teacher, no thoughts of going into management, but in December 2013, I had a rock bottom day where I couldn't make myself to drive to work and strongly contemplated suicide. I survived that day due to being too scared to go through with what I was thinking, and resigned a week later.

Since then, I was unemployed for 8 months, and then 6 months of a few temp placements through employment agencies, and since reaching the middle of March, have had no work due to it being the end of the financial year. Money is a problem, to say the least.

Having said all that, I no longer take antidepressants, which must be better, right?!

Magpies, since September after completing 24 years.

I'm not sure life is much better on civvy street OP. DSis works in the NHS, and things are very much the same there. Ditto the world of education. I work in the HQ of a financial organisaion - ditto.

People can get away with all sorts in big organisations.

Meow thank you for posting. Must have taken a huge amount of inner strength to turn things around. What was the final straw for you if you don't mind me asking? How does your DH view his career now?

Magpie, I'm in the process of a medical discharge from RAF at my 20 yr point (I was diagnosed with crohn's the year before last and have had mental health problems brought on by anxiety and stress due to trying to 'have it all').

It came completely out the blue for me and to find myself pushed out onto the scrap heap when I had 10 yrs left to do made me angry.

I do think, however, that now was the right time for me to leave as I had started to become very disillusioned with it all.

I look back with fondness and remember all the laughs and good times (and countless good friends), but I know I will be mentally healthier being out now.

There is a whole new world out there waiting for you - it is exciting times and a chance for a new direction - embrace it and enjoy, don't dwell on what you cannot change.

Banana, sorry to hear you are going through that. That must have been a shock.

Do you have any idea as to what you want to do?

This is what I need really. To finally just get it off my chest. I guess in someways maybe I'm getting bogged down in the negative lows. I thought that when I left i'd be full of life experience, a confident positive person. I just feel stressed out, find it hard to trust, disillusioned and tired. My confidence is low.

Hi, I'm sorry you've left a long term career feeling this way, and I'm a little sad and worried about what I've read as DS has recently joined the RAF.

However, as others have said, corruption, hypocrisy and lack of investigation of complaints are just as rife in other large organisations.
I'm still pleased that DS has joined up: he is bright, but was a very lazy, unmotivated and dropped out of uni. Now he is super fit, healthy, has plenty of self discipline and is learning a trade which he will be able to use outside of the military when he leaves. He has made lots of friends and has lots of opportunity for travel and adventure.

I hope you will be able to look back at some point and see some good in the career path you chose, OP.

Yes I started out so enthusiastic, but left so downhearted. It was a very tough time and I felt very disillusioned and upset.

It's a year (just over) since I left and I do feel much more positive about it. I've left the bad stuff to one side and taken the good out of the situation, and I did have some fab times. It's a shame it ended how it did, but there's nothing I can do now.

I've been getting CBT since December Magpie, I felt very much as you do - but mostly tired, tired of everything and mostly tired of fighting the system.

I was lucky to have had an amazing career, I have no regrets at all - but I am glad to be out, it was just too much in the end and I was starting to resent it.

I am still spectacularly undecided as to what I will do career wise now - I just know what I don't want to do (which is engineering - I have done it for 20 yrs and am done with it now!). I am lucky there is no pressure for me to find a job immediately, so I am just being a 'housewife' for now and the kids are getting a break from before & after school clubs.

It might be a good idea to try and access some counselling/CBT, it has really helped me to look at things and deal with things in a much healthier way.

Sorry you're feeling so shitty, it will pass but you have to let it

And YY to mentally healthier. I am SO much lighter inside. No more casual harassment, sexism etc. I am treated respectfully outside.

Also an engineered, btw. I was on rotary wing for 10 years.