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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BF has gone off rails, what to do?

27 replies

betseyfly · 07/04/2015 10:20

Can someone offer a bit of advice? At wits end with BF who's met a bloke she completely adores. They've been together for over a month and they're mad about each other. She's spoken of little else but him since they met. I'm so happy for her, she's been through a lot....long story.....

Now the bad part - he told me last week she was round his place and saw pictures of his EX and she looks just like her. Hair, complexion, even this EX's taste in clothes echoes her own. She's devastated and has spent the Easter weekend on a kind of tearful bender.

He came to my place yesterday, as she's stopped answering his calls. I told him her 'problem' and he just can't believe it, he's madly in love with BF, she's nothing like his EX and it's just a coincidence etc. He's been round her flat, ringing her buzzer and had the neighbours call the Police etc for disturbance. She's stopped answering my calls now, I'm really worried for her, as is this bloke. I think she's gone a bit bonkers, WTF do I do? I called her at work and they keep telling me she's in a meeting and now she's out the office...

OP posts:
curlyweasel · 07/04/2015 10:25

Er... nothing? She's obviously got herself into a bit of a tizz over nothing and is stubbornly digging her heels in (maybe taken it so far she can't come back).

Shame - seems she'll miss out on a decent bloke, but as she's going to work and not holed up with a hostage/shotgun I'd put it down to histrionics.

Salmotrutta · 07/04/2015 10:27

Do you know any of her family that you can ask?

Do you think she has asked her work to tell you she is unavailable? At least she seems to be going to work then so she is with people?

Salmotrutta · 07/04/2015 10:29

Yes, if she's at work she is at least not sitting at home not functioning at all.

MangoJuggler · 07/04/2015 10:29

He should absolutely leave her alone and be ultra cautious about persisting with contacting her.

Don't bother her at work Shock

ActingBusy · 07/04/2015 10:29

Is she usually this much of a drama llama?

shewept · 07/04/2015 10:30

Do you have reason to think she has mental health problems? If she is at work, I am sure she is ok.

Albadross · 07/04/2015 10:32

What do you mean by 'tearful bender' OP? And how do you know if you've not spoken?

shewept · 07/04/2015 10:35

You say He's been round her flat, ringing her buzzer and had the neighbours call the Police etc for disturbance

Do you mean he got the neighbours to call the police? Or the neighbours called the police on him.

Because unless there is something you are not saying he was massively over reacting calling the police. Or he making so much fuss a neighbour called the police, so I am not surprised she isn't taking his calls. If she knows you are trying to help him out, she won't take yours either.

LadyGregory · 07/04/2015 10:38

Back off, OP. This kind of operatic emotion, overreaction and huffing is far from unusual in the early days of a certain kind of relationship. They're probably enjoying it at some level. They'll sort it out. Or not.

MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday · 07/04/2015 10:40

Seems a bit of an over reaction to put it mildly! All DH's exes looked...well like me.. DS1 is the same.. he has a type, physically that he finds attractive. No sinister motive or anything.. he just likes petite natural looking girls with very long dark hair!

Think he and you probably should just stay away and let friend realise she is being over dramatic.. or at any rate it's her call!

LittleIda · 07/04/2015 10:42

Are you sure there's not a lot more to this that has happened than you know and he's not harrassing her?

ClumsyNinja · 07/04/2015 10:43

Are you and your friend 16 yrs old? Sounds like stuff hormonal teens do.
Do adult women really behave like this?

OP, I wouldn't bother getting involved. All sounds far too dramatic and bonkers to me.

HeyDuggee · 07/04/2015 10:43

She's only been dating him a month?! They big sound like teenage drama llamas. Don't get sucked into their made up angst.

HeyDuggee · 07/04/2015 10:44

both (why does my phone think it knows better)

Original poster
betseyfly · 07/04/2015 10:48

She has had counselling and suffered ill health at the break up of her marriage a few years ago.

Her neighbours called Police. They did come and just asked him to leave and he did.

She must have asked work not to put me through to her. I won't call again.

There's her Mum, who I've been reluctant to contact. She isn't very good at matters of the heart and tends towards the 'pull yourself together woman' approach - not always helpful.

I spoke to BF Sunday afternoon. She's was sobbing, drinking, smoking weed. I guess you're right Mango I won't call again. She knows how concerned I am.

OP posts:
shewept · 07/04/2015 10:57

Lots of people have counselling, its doesn't mean they are a danger to themselves. I think you need to leave it alone.

If he was round at hers making so much noise the police was called, maybe the ex isn't the reason she won't talk to him and she thinks you are backing him. She clearly doesn't want to speak to you, she is not in danger. Not much you can do.

All this drama from you and this man isn't helping.

lottiegarbanzo · 07/04/2015 10:57

He was ringing the bell so persistently the neighbours called the police? Wow. No boundaries or sensitivity there.

They sound like a pair of drama queens who both enjoy escalating the smallest issue into a massive 'event', dancing about and screaming for attention. Stop feeding their fire.

GoadyFuckAaargh · 07/04/2015 11:13

I would ask these two people to run. in opposite directions. for as far as they possibly can.

this is not a match

BoyScout · 07/04/2015 11:25

I think you and the BF need to leave her alone for a few days.

She's being odd and unreasonable but ringing a doorbell to the point the police are called is also odd and unreasonable. They're as bad as each other.

ChrisQuean · 07/04/2015 11:29

Storm in a teacup? I'd ignore and stop enabling this huge drama over, er, not very much and leave them both well alone. You sound like a nice, concerned friend, but surely it's mere coincidence and he's got a "look" he likes in women.

Going on a weed smoking, crying, NC bender for 4 days does not, IMHO, sound like a proportionate response to finding an ex resembles you.

JustJanice · 07/04/2015 11:38

She sounds an immature, hysterical, attention seeking nightmare. Leave her to it. Chasing around after her is just feeding her needs. If the bloke in question is a decent sort I hope he gives her a body swerve.

Penguinotterfoxbadger · 07/04/2015 11:46

Unless you are seriously worried for her safety (ie you think she might harm herself) I think you should back off and let her sort her love life out herself. If she wants your help then she can ask it.

YouTheCat · 07/04/2015 12:13

I don't see how she's attention seeking when she doesn't actually want to talk to anyone. Confused

She seems to have had an idea of how wonderful her bf is and then had the rug pulled from under her. She's had a good cry about it, doesn't want to see the bf and gone to work. Can't see how that's attention seeking.

JustJanice · 07/04/2015 12:20

Suddenly not answering calls is attention seeking because she knows that it will worry the OP.

A quick text saying "Lots to think about but I'm fine. Will be in touch when I've got things straight in my head x" or similar would set minds at rest but it's nowhere near as much fun for her is it? Hmm

Original poster
betseyfly · 07/04/2015 13:12

She just called me. She - very apologetic and remorseful. I told her it's not me she needs to talk to, though I'm glad she's OK. She's worried he now thinks she's a complete mentalist.

I wouldn't be surprised if he runs a mile now, I think I would... Shame, as she was really getting her life back on track after a pretty terrible relationship break - up. Friends eh?

OP posts:
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