To feel this way abt PIL?

[Harvey246]

I have always got on ok with thembut everything has changed since having my daughter 5 months ago. She is their first grandchild and they are absolutely obsessed with her and they do love her to bits which I know I should be grateful for.
My problem is that since she was born they have become so demanding of our time. They live 20 mins away and when she was first born they were constantly texting OH to say they were 'dropping in' every other day and I felt like the bad guy to have to keep telling him to make excuses as I just wanted to have some space with my new daughter. It got so bad and I got so stressed that me and OH had big argument in which I told him that I didn't want to see them so often.
Anyway things haven't got that much better. They are both retired so have unlimited time on their hands. In my head I have resigned myself to weekly visits and they do see her once every 5-7 days for a good few hours. If they try to come by more often I often say I'm busy or make an excuse. I am aware that I don't want to be the nightmare DIL favouring my own parents so I am careful to make sure that both sets of grandparents see her the same.
I find the PIL visits very difficult and feel constantly stressed when I am in their company. Part of this is me being an overprotective first time mum but as soon as they see the baby I am basically expected to hand her over to them. They don't read her well and only have one setting when playing with her- basically to go at it full pelt, both of them will be clicking their fingers at her from opposite ends of the room, shouting her name, clapping in her face etc etc. I have to sit on my hands while I'm there to stop me snatching her back as I see her looking completely overwhelmed and confused. As soon as she cries I go over and take her back from them as they tire her out so quickly and don't seem to notice when she is clearly exhausted and not enjoying herself. I try to drop hints and say 'ah she's exhausted isn't she' and 'think she just needs a sleep now' but they pay no attention and never change the way they interact with her. When she is tired my mum will leave the room so she isn't distracted and can sleep whereas last time I tried to get her to sleep at their house MIL was clicking her fingers and shouting my daughter's name over my head while I was rocking her.

Even though I feel that they see her often, it always seems that they feel that I don't let them see her enough so there are always lots of 'bring her round whenever you can we NEED to see her..' 'Ooooh we haven't seen you for so long you have changed so much!!' (5 days) plus lots of comments about kidnapping her and her staying the night at their house, babysitting her etc etc

My main problem is that I feel under constant pressure from them that they aren't seeing their grandchild enough and they are absolutely desperate for me to wean her so she can spend longer away from me and they can take her away for long periods of time. The thought of this makes me feel sick as she is only five months old and I know I am going to have to leave her when I go back to work in a few months so I just want to spend every last minute I can with her without feeing like someone is waiting to grab her off me at every opportunity. Just an example- my MIL wanted to take her overnight when she was FOUR DAYS old and feed her expressed milk in a bottle (she is breast fed) so we 'could get some sleep'. Things like that just make me feel so threatened and add to how over protective I already feel about her.
It's causing problems with my OH now as he is always completey welcoming to my parents and says things like 'bring them round whenever you like' so of course then I feel terrible that I am refusing to see his in the same way, but I know that they would be round here every day if I did and I just want some time alone with my baby while on mat leave before I am forced to leave her!!!

Tonight my OH got a phone call to say they were 'dropping by' and they arrived ten mins later after 5 when the baby was really starting to get tired. My OH was just putting food on for us and as soon as she saw the baby my MIL grabbed her off me and took her off to another room. I heard DD start screaming so went to get her back then as I was coming back FIL appeared in her face shouting at her, clapping etc etc. I said 'no. She's had enough' and walked away with her. Now OH is angry due to the ongoing issues between us and says I was really rude to them.
AIBU to just hate them being around my baby?? I know they love her but they are putting so much pressure to see her all the time and for me to let them look after her it is making me feel really resentful and ruining my mat leave.
Wow if anyone managed to get to the end of this rant!!!

Its really, really hard but if they are overboard when they see your dd your dh needs to step in.

that's so awful, you sound really conflicted and that's totally understandable. Would they be open to laying ground rules? E.g. no dropping round without 24 hours notice, etc?

If not I think I would produce a very busy schedule of classes and baby activities that you are totally going to so, so sorry, they can't drop in then hide at home in peace and no, they can't come, maximum numbers, ratios etc

That sounds really hard as you don't want to fall out with them but I can see how stressful it must be.

Can you fix a set time each week to see them? Like Thursday afternoons at 2pm or something. Then they have some certainty and feel involved. And you know when they're coming.

Then when they're there, take a little step back - go and do some laundry, pop to the shop or something.

I think if you give them a little bit, they will calm down. It might be they're sensing you pulling back and it's making them pull harder the other way.

Dds paternal grandparents were exactly like this. Like your pils it comes from a good place, they love her so much that they go completely overboard.

I was lucky that dds dad was very much on my side and could see the problem.

In the end, dropping hints didn't work and it got to the point where dd screamed every time they came near her. We sat them down and explained that the way they were with her was actually upsetting her (they seemed completely unaware?!) And that they needed to calm down around her I'm order for them all to enjoy their time together.

For the most part they listened, with a few reminders. They saw the difference in dd. She went from clinging to me, crying and shying away from them to cuddling them, smiling and laughing. They enjoy their time with her so much more and she has a good bond with them now.

It was an akward conversation, but it had to be done. we were clear and firm, making it Crystal clear that their behaviour could not continue. We explained that dd responded much better to calm, gentle interactions and explained how they needed to be with her.

If pil really love your dd, they will listen. If they don't then cut contact right down. It's not good for any of you to carry on like this. It was driving me potty and affecting dds confidence. It's not ok on any level.

It sounds like they'll be great when she's a toddler and will enjoy energetic interaction but they may not be naturals with babies. It's hard to put your foot down with people who are basically kind, loving and well meaning but who are overstepping. Can they do any baby related jobs for you? Maybe if father in law put something together (like a cot) or mother in law helped with baby clothes they could feel more involved but less overwhelming?

I disagree. I think you are being rude to them. I also know from experience there will come a time when you are glad of their help. Let them help. Your resistance is making them worry they will be left out. Just involve them. Sit down and talk to them. Your an adult now so communicate with them. Tell them you feel they are too much full on. Ask them to ease back and calm around her but do it nicely. Stop being rude to these people who are just so delighted to have a grand child. Perhaps ur MiL remembers what it's like to be a mum of a baby and need a rest. Just don't burn your bridges here or u will regret it.

In what way is the OP being rude Rhyme?

Rhymerocket, the OP is not trying to be rude or ',burn bridges'. - she is stressed with the way her PIL are behaving.

Op - you need to get your OH on side here. And also it sounds like you will have to tell them to stop clapping and clicking at her.

Rhymerocket are you the MIL?

They don't sound nasty but and I say this as a mum of DSs and a defender of MILs I can see where you are coming from.....I was massively over protective of my babies, your DD is only five months, you will feel totally different when she's a bit older. They are so defenceless when little but soon she will be more robust and you won't mind so much.

I would put my foot down and say it's too much.

My parents were like this (massively over stimulating) but they are fantastic for the toddler years. So it will get better. Could you invite them to baby groups so there's less opportunity to be so full on?

I completely empathise. My son was born overseas, we moved back when he was 12 weeks and had to alternate between living with my parents and my PIls. The moment we arrived back it their house after a 25 hour journey and a jet lagged dog our child was taken off our hands to be shown to all the neighbours while we were left emptying the car of all our suitcases and walking the dog, feeling ready to drop and needing to feed him.

We have just been with them today and still 6 1/2 years later I haven't totally recovered from it. At family gatherings my child would be taken off me and I wouldn't see him for hours, he would be taken to the park without asking if that was ok, the house would be full and I wouldn't know where he was, until eventually someone would say he'd been taken out, my FIL once complained that he couldn't see why he sometimes only stopped crying when I was finally given him back - my MIL pointed out that I smelt of breast milk. It was worse with DD1 and DD2 as I couldn't breast feed them so in my ILs mind there was no reason for them to need me. Even today my FIL likes it when my toddler calls him Daddy - it drives me insane. I actually think it contributed to all kinds of bonding problems, sleeping problems and a build up of resentment between DH and I. On Christmas morning they tried to get the children to sneak into their room with the children's unopened stockings that I'd hung out.

It is wearing off now a bit. As a by the by they had minimal relationship with my husband until we actually had a child.

I don't know if I can offer help but getting DH onside is the key thing, somehow you have to show him that, however well-meaning, they are interrupting the formation of your family by being so overbearing, that you would love to see them but maybe once a week. Once I actually clung onto my baby while they were trying to grab her off me until they actually asked - it sounds so petty but it was so important to me that they understood that they didn't automatically get my child surrendered to them whenever they were in the room.

Eventually my DH spoke to them about not overbearing and undermining - it helped and things have got easier but DH and I still get slightly edgy with each other about families and I get probably a bit paranoid about some of their actions, it's a shame. I feel I'm more defensive then I would have liked to be but I can't trust them to put the interests of my children and us as a family unit ahead of what they want.

Sorry loooooongg

It is really difficult, i understand, my parents were the same. But to be honest I look back and regret how much I resented them at the time. They were just excited grand parents, all well meant and from a place of love.

But...it's like they've forgotten what it's like to have a baby. Their needs are coming before yours and your babies.

I think flanjabelles suggestion sounds like it could help.

Also we had the clapping too- it drove me insane and made all of the babies agitated.

Poor you, this sounds so frustrating.

My MIL turned into a complete nightmare when we had dc1, totally tried to take over. Would ring and say she was on her way over to take my son out for the day (dc 3 months) and then huff when I told her that she wasn't.

My son is 2 now and MIL and I still haven't recovered from the falling out we had over her weird and strange behaviour when my ds was born.

I've since had a dd and she isn't remotely interested in her. She arrived over today with a bag of presents for Dh and ds and not a thing for our dd.

I agree with Flanjabelle and think you should sit down wit them- but make sure you talk to your DH first and that you both agree and sit down together with them- and explain how they need to just be a bit more chilled out and responsive with your DD.

Tbh I don't think you have been rude as your PILs have been rude making you hand her over and keep her and not respect what you are advising them. But it would be best to avoid any more incidents like that.

Maybe Approach it by explaining what your DD needs not what you want (I don't think up are BU at all but this may be most effective). Be very firm initially to prevent more problems in the future.

But I really think you initially need to get your DH on board and make him understand your DD is getting overwhelmed and not enjoying their visits.

Good luck OP I really feel for you

Thanks for the replies, yep I am really aware that in the future there will probably be a time when I am desperate for them to babysit so I am trying to treat them respectfully but it's hard to balance that with feeling responsible for DD who can't speak up for herself as well as wanting time to ourselves as a family. I have to admit I was rude to them today and didn't make them feel welcome, just had it in my head that today was going to be just me, DH and DD.
I think the suggestion about pre arranging a time is a great one and then being out the rest of the time...! My DH has said a few times that they need to calm down with her, it doesn't even seem to register. I switch between being furious to feeling warmly about them that they get so excited to see her. Also trying to bear in mind that DD will no doubt absolutely adore them both in yes to come so I'm not doing her any favours by causing a rift.

Sounds dreadful OP. I had this and cut down contact considerably and their behaviour improved a lot. I just couldn't have the conversation re stop it and step back, please! so I did it by my actions and remained in control.
That would majorly pee me off that they are wrecking/marring your maternity leave. Step up now, don't just let it carry on. Either sit them down and explain they need to calm it right down or if that's just a conversation you feel you cant have then show them with your actions ie control when they see your PFB by saying 'come on a Friday for lunch every week'

But yep that's exactly it like you say their needs to be grandparents at the moment are coming before anything else so they aren't thinking what is best for her. It's just all about them. They even squabble over her (who she likes best, who gets to hold her etc etc) between the two of them..!

This is the third or fourth post I've read today about OTT grandparents!!

What the hell is wrong with these people? Where are their boundaries ffs? I even read a post earlier where a MIL was peed off because the couple weren't keen on her being in the delivery room when the baby was delivered! What MIL in her right mind would imagine she would be wanted in there at such a personal time.

OP slap her down and set your own rules, or she'll be bossing you forevermore.

OP I sympathise as this is my MIL too. I think some sensible options above. The only thing I would add is to really be very careful what you say to your DH. I had lots of rows with mine about MIL but as he reminded me she is his mother so he doesn't want to hear me be so negative. We can now laugh about some of her crazier moments together. It is hard when you know it all comes from a good place but you can see it isn't actually working.
Only thing about the toddler years is trying to get DD off to bed after time getting hyped by MIL!

Can you move?

Poor you, it sounds very stressful. Could you diarise them for the next few months, so you at least know when you'll see them? You could sell it to them in a nice trips out scenario.

It's bloody annoying. Mine were the same with ds and he was the fifth grandchild! There was a big gap between him and the previous one though... So he was the only baby in the family.
They used to take him off me and pass him around and mil would decree whose turn it was to hold him. I couldn't feed him to expressed instead and she used to knock and the door and demand I hurry up as she was waiting to 'nurse him.' They used to clap at him and make stupid noises and wind him up and generally piss me off.
He's 5 now and it's taken years for me to calm down over how they were. They did themselves no favours because if they'd have backed off a bit id have allowed more access. Mil used to call herself mummy and FIL daddy. She told me she preferred it if I didn't visit with ds and just dh went so she could pretend ds was hers. Mental. Truly mental.

It's much better when you know your child can stand up for themselves. When they are a tiny baby it's really hard and you have to be their voice.

OP I could have written your post 9 years ago. I know exactly how you feel. My in laws were the exact same. It doesn't sound much when writing it down and I can see how people may think URBU but I know you're not and I only hope you get it sorted better than I did (me and dp split when ds was 1.5).

My in laws were always 'dropping by' - every day after work - every day! It was so stressful and also incredibly stressful having to make up places to go just so I didnt have to put up with them taking over my child. Added to that, they parented totally different than I did so I was constantly having my choices criticised and have to defend my parental choices.

My dp was very weak as far as his parents were concerned and that was the reason we split so I think what you have to do is get your husband on board. Hopefully he feels the same as you.

I have so much sympathy for you op. I suffered horrible pnd after my son and I am 100% sure their behaviour contributed to it.

The clapping and clicking would drive me batty.

My own DM was over excited at the thought of grandchildren, although probably not as bad. The cure came when they insisted on having 10week OK ds overnight. After a night of halfhourly waking they have never offered again in 9 years and have always wanted to know when they could hand the DC back.. What I'm saying is that as long as you trust them actually leaving DC with them for a day may work in your favour as they then reside the consequences of their actions.

Its all very well being happy clappy with a baby when someone is their to cushion you from the after effects.not so good when you are left to deal with it.(or have a 2nd with a small age gap and no fear--watch the GPS run in the opposite direction)