To feel this way abt PIL?

[Harvey246]

I have always got on ok with thembut everything has changed since having my daughter 5 months ago. She is their first grandchild and they are absolutely obsessed with her and they do love her to bits which I know I should be grateful for.
My problem is that since she was born they have become so demanding of our time. They live 20 mins away and when she was first born they were constantly texting OH to say they were 'dropping in' every other day and I felt like the bad guy to have to keep telling him to make excuses as I just wanted to have some space with my new daughter. It got so bad and I got so stressed that me and OH had big argument in which I told him that I didn't want to see them so often.
Anyway things haven't got that much better. They are both retired so have unlimited time on their hands. In my head I have resigned myself to weekly visits and they do see her once every 5-7 days for a good few hours. If they try to come by more often I often say I'm busy or make an excuse. I am aware that I don't want to be the nightmare DIL favouring my own parents so I am careful to make sure that both sets of grandparents see her the same.
I find the PIL visits very difficult and feel constantly stressed when I am in their company. Part of this is me being an overprotective first time mum but as soon as they see the baby I am basically expected to hand her over to them. They don't read her well and only have one setting when playing with her- basically to go at it full pelt, both of them will be clicking their fingers at her from opposite ends of the room, shouting her name, clapping in her face etc etc. I have to sit on my hands while I'm there to stop me snatching her back as I see her looking completely overwhelmed and confused. As soon as she cries I go over and take her back from them as they tire her out so quickly and don't seem to notice when she is clearly exhausted and not enjoying herself. I try to drop hints and say 'ah she's exhausted isn't she' and 'think she just needs a sleep now' but they pay no attention and never change the way they interact with her. When she is tired my mum will leave the room so she isn't distracted and can sleep whereas last time I tried to get her to sleep at their house MIL was clicking her fingers and shouting my daughter's name over my head while I was rocking her.

Even though I feel that they see her often, it always seems that they feel that I don't let them see her enough so there are always lots of 'bring her round whenever you can we NEED to see her..' 'Ooooh we haven't seen you for so long you have changed so much!!' (5 days) plus lots of comments about kidnapping her and her staying the night at their house, babysitting her etc etc

My main problem is that I feel under constant pressure from them that they aren't seeing their grandchild enough and they are absolutely desperate for me to wean her so she can spend longer away from me and they can take her away for long periods of time. The thought of this makes me feel sick as she is only five months old and I know I am going to have to leave her when I go back to work in a few months so I just want to spend every last minute I can with her without feeing like someone is waiting to grab her off me at every opportunity. Just an example- my MIL wanted to take her overnight when she was FOUR DAYS old and feed her expressed milk in a bottle (she is breast fed) so we 'could get some sleep'. Things like that just make me feel so threatened and add to how over protective I already feel about her.
It's causing problems with my OH now as he is always completey welcoming to my parents and says things like 'bring them round whenever you like' so of course then I feel terrible that I am refusing to see his in the same way, but I know that they would be round here every day if I did and I just want some time alone with my baby while on mat leave before I am forced to leave her!!!

Tonight my OH got a phone call to say they were 'dropping by' and they arrived ten mins later after 5 when the baby was really starting to get tired. My OH was just putting food on for us and as soon as she saw the baby my MIL grabbed her off me and took her off to another room. I heard DD start screaming so went to get her back then as I was coming back FIL appeared in her face shouting at her, clapping etc etc. I said 'no. She's had enough' and walked away with her. Now OH is angry due to the ongoing issues between us and says I was really rude to them.
AIBU to just hate them being around my baby?? I know they love her but they are putting so much pressure to see her all the time and for me to let them look after her it is making me feel really resentful and ruining my mat leave.
Wow if anyone managed to get to the end of this rant!!!

I dont think op is rude but rhymer is right about being adult and asking them to be calm around her.

op I was was in a similar position with Dd2 and mil would just walk in take her off me. So I stopped allowing her to do that and it gave me some 'confidence' back. It's not a nice feeling when someone is trying to take over your PFB

. Mil had a terrible habit of waking Dd for a cuddle if I left the room so I had to work up the courage and say stop it. She denied she was doing it but it stopped. It's just placing down your boundaries.

It sounds like they don't realise they are doing it. When they start doing it again - get the words out straight away and say "oh mil can you stop that please she doesn't like it/FIL can you be a little quiet as we're trying to get her off'. If you plan what to say and get it out straight away it won't come out rushed or sounding arsey.

I really don't get on with my mil she is really bullish and she was really hard work. FIL thinks he knows everything about raising kids even though he never lift a finger with his own - sobering assertive with those to was hard but I did it. Yeah sometimes it was a little uncomfortable but they got over it.

I have a passive aggressive MIL who I went through very similar things with, you have my sympathy. Your DH needs to be firm but diplomatic with them.

Can you sign yourself up for a class and leave her with them?

Why Shoukd she do that cycle ?

I think you need to sit down with your DP for a chat. Let him know that you want your PIL to be involved but that the way it's going now it's stressing you out and you need to "work together to find a way to suit all of you". Have a set day and time for them to visit you that suits you all and a set time you can pop in to see them. Ask your DP to intervene when he sees DD getting worked up and have a word with them if you can. Make it clear that this is for the good of your DD and ensure she develops a good relationship with her DGPS.

My sisters MIL was dreadful for doing this. Fortunately both her DH and FIL were quick to intervene.

Your DH needs to have a frank conversation with them the clicking of fingers (WTF!) shouting her name and getting in her face needs to stop immediately.

Sorry, tootired to explain well. I think that (if she trusts them) she could use their baby love to get some me time. So like they would get extra baby time while OP is out doing something for herself. Obvs this only works if the problem is that they're annoying, not that they're unsafe/not trusted.

I think most people would find someone leaning over them clapping and clicking irritating at best. When you talk to your PIL try and get them to see if from your DD's perspective - noisy and overwhelming. If they're calm then suggest they could hold her longer/do more with her before she gets upset.

Why should she sign herself up for a class? The OP has a limited amount of maternity leave.

OP - your husband sounds useless, so I would try to talk to your PIL subtly. If they don't get it then change your actions. Just say no if they want to come round. Or tell them that your DD is feeling like she needs some Mummy time as she will be upset if she is passed around.

My MIL is similar - totally adoring but completely over stimulating and tries to take control of situations/my daughter all the time. It drove me absolutely potty when she was a baby but, as others have said, now she is a toddler it's not so acute. Today we were out and I watched MIL literally running around after DD while I sat back and drank a pint even though she was clearly knackered. Terrible I know, but I thought, well, you wanted to be in charge, there you go, knock yourself out.

That said, you need to have conversations with your DP about establishing some boundaries as a family, and also don't be afraid to put your foot down with PILs for your baby's sake. Some people don't take hints. You can be firm about it without being unnecessarily rude.

My final (short term, interim suggestion) is a sling. Works wonders for establishing who is looking after baby.

I agree with PP - a set time each week "so we can make sure you get to spend time together as we're sooo busy".

Could they take her to a baby class, like singing at the local library, to give them a bit of focus away from the clicking and clapping (and also fit it with timings when she is ready to be stimulated, not just before bed etc)?

I know it's hard now but with a 2 year old and no help nearby I would love my parents or PILs or frankly anyone to drop in for a few hours every week to entertain DS!

They do sound irritating. My mother was similarly overbearing and boundary-trampling.

You could try directing PIL a bit more. For example, suggesting that they read a story with DD together, while plonking both baby and a storybook on their lap. Or singing nursery rhymes, or showing them new things she likes.

Hopefully if they have some prompting on what she does like, they will stop the clicking and shouting!

I agree with a PP that having a set day(s) or time(s) makes things much more bearable. Also, occasionally suggesting a day trip out helps. In fact day trips go a long way to minimise irritating behaviour I find.

Oh my god that sounds horrendous, and I can totally imagine why you are still resentful about it all this time later! That's what I'm worried about as I already find myself getting anxious and jittery when I know I have to see them, they also have only been so involved in our lives since the arrival of the baby.

You have to train them, Harvey. My ILs were exactly like this, in part I think because DS was their eleventh grandchild, so the finger snapping and clapping and repeated loud calling of phrases and questions was what they had done with the previous ten. Finger snapping is for them just what you do with all babies. Whereas my parents, whose first grandchild he was, were much less 'confident' initially because it was so long since they'd been around a baby, and were more inclined to follow my and DH's lead, despite being equally excited.

I got DH to talk to his parents, and we both said gently but firmly that DS didn't like being clapped and fingersnapped at, and both presented a United 'training' front where we took DS away immediately they started with the clapping routine, but left him with them when they interacted more quietly.

It eventually sank in, and all four grandparents now have a lovely relationship with our three year old. It can be fixed, OP. Sort it out before the whole situation ruins your relationships with the Pils.

Are you me? I've been there. My dd is now 3.8 and, with hindsight, I can see that a lot of my feelings were intensified by my hormones and being a first time parent. That isn't to say your pil are not being out of order, they are, but the intensity of your feelings will fade as your dd grows, your hormones settle and you become more confident. My mil was constantly saying that she wanted to have dd on her own so that 'I can do what I think is best'. When ever she made that comment I would inwardly rage and I cried over it many times. One day when she said it I challenged her. I told her that she really upset me because she made me feel like I was doing it wrong. She explained that what she meant was that she felt really nervous trying to settle dd when I was there because she worried she was doing it wrong. I understand how she might feel like that, but she was still wrong to say it. From that moment on I started to say what I felt a bit more and it really improved things. PIL didn't like it, but they have to respect my views because I'm the mum. One time when I was trying to feed dd FIL sat next to me and kept tickling and distracting dd. I said 'naughty grandad, stop distracting her whilst she is eating' he started to get all indignant so I just said ' stop being so precious and let me feed her'. It shut him up! The more I challenged them, the more confident I became and they backed off. Obviously, you need to be polite, but firm. Good luck xx