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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be cross with MIL

32 replies

Imnotbeverley · 06/04/2015 16:28

How angry would you be: DP's mum just arrived with his Nan without arranging it with us. I am 7 weeks pregnant and having very bad morning sickness, she knows this. They arrived during DS's nap time, I was asleep on the sofa- front door opens into lounge. MIL has a key for when she looks after DS. I feel like shit and was on the sofa in my tracksuit trousers and no make up on. She had tried to arrange something with DP yesterday and he wasn't keen, she said she would call him back. He tried to call her at 11:30 and she didn't answer, just turned up at 2pm.

Background: we do not have a close relationship with DP's Nan, a visit from her would have meant lots of tidying up and getting ready had we known. MIL is very helpful and adores DS, sometimes is blind to others in persuing time with him but we are appreciative of her and get along well generally.

I think that we need to be very clear that this is not ok and should not happen again. DP is worried about rocking the boat as MIL looks after our DS one day a week whilst I am at work.

OP posts:

Pukkapik · 06/04/2015 16:32

Understand your annoyance, but careful not to over react as I suspect the problem lies with the nan rather than the MIL and you don't want to burn your bridges there if she's good with your DS.
She will have seen that it was not a good time to call and maybe your DH could hint that.

Nanny0gg · 06/04/2015 16:45

So she let herself in, knowing you were at home?

Not on under any circumstances. Your DH definitely needs to have a word.

PeachyPants · 06/04/2015 16:47

It's not on to let herself in without knocking and it's not on to bring other people with her YANBU.

Nightingalemumoftwo · 06/04/2015 16:49

Bang out of order imo.

Original poster

Imnotbeverley · 06/04/2015 16:51

Yeah, she let herself in. I also think that it's not ok for her to turn up unarranged, even if it were just her?

I don't think it was anything to do with DP's Nan, she is very elderly and sweet- she would have been collected at a time arranged by MIL and gone along with whatever plan she believed was in place

OP posts:

MythicalKings · 06/04/2015 16:55

Some people think it's fine to pop in to see friends or family for a while without a formal invitation or prior notification. In our family it's what we do.

We don't have keys, though, and would always knock the door.

WorraLiberty · 06/04/2015 16:55

She shouldn't have let herself in, that's bang out of order.

As for the tidying up and feeling funny about not wearing make up and having tracksuit bottoms on, well I think that's something you need to ask yourself about...

shewept · 06/04/2015 17:02

The letting herself in is not ok. My dad does it, I am ok with it because my living room is on the first floor. He has a key and its the relationship I have with him. He always nips in with stuff for the kids or just to say hi. I don't feel the need to tidy for him. He is very much 'come as you are'. So I am ok with it. But of you aren't, then its not ok.

My mum usually turns up unannounced, which again is perfectly ok with me. Pils don't do it. But that's because they are 1hr 30mins away. So it would be pointless if they got here and I wasn't in. If they lived closer I would accept them turning up too.

Every family has different dynamics. Personally I wouldn't want close family. Feeling like they had to make an appointment. Especially if they are good with the kids. We all out up with bits of family behaviour we don't like.

I can't decided whether yabu or not. I am erring on the side of yabu. Would you mind if your mum turned up?

FlyingPirate · 06/04/2015 17:12

Out of order to just let herself in.

As for turning up without arranging it first, I'm ok with that but I know a lot of people aren't. It varies from person to person. I generally don't do it to others but I don't mind when someone just pops by (although a 10 min warning is nice so I can make sure I'm not in pyjamas!)

PeachyPants · 06/04/2015 17:12

I think people have different views on unarranged visits, neither is unreasonable it's just about what works for your family, if you're not comfortable with this then I think you need to make that clear to her.

Original poster

Imnotbeverley · 06/04/2015 17:12

I would mind if it was my mum, yes. Not because I am unwelcoming or not close to family, but because it just isn't something I would do!

Really Worra, you think I need to look at myself for wanting enough notice to put away my sick bowl, brush my teeth and try to look less awful? I'm not really vain, but DP's nan is a pretty formal lady and it was uncomfortable!

I do understand that some families are very informal and just pop in and out, and that's totally fine if everyone is up for it. It's not something we have ever done as a family and bringing an elderly relative made it very much the kind of visit where we were expected to host them.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 06/04/2015 17:19

That's not what you said though. You spoke about tidying up, not wearing make-up and wearing tracksuit bottoms...all of which is perfectly acceptable in your own home.

If she is a formal lady then that's her choice to be so. You don't have to pander to it though.

Original poster

Imnotbeverley · 06/04/2015 17:22

I understand and appreciate what you are saying. I guess I think that MIL put us in an uncomfortable position because I am not the kind of person who would be happy to be surprise visited and she should have just made an arrangement.

OP posts:

maliaki · 06/04/2015 17:23

YANBU, you don't want to escalate this into arguments but you and your DH need to establish boundaries now while she's pressing on them. For all they knew you and DH could have been doing it doggy style on the lounge floor!

buttercupbear · 06/04/2015 17:23

Why would op need to look at herself if she wants to feel 'presentable' to a guest, regardless of whether it's in her own home or not. That's pretty normal to me.

Toomuchteababy · 06/04/2015 17:24

My family know not to do this with me as I don't like unexpected visitors. Dp family are the type to just walk in so when we moved in together his mother stalked us.

She would be there when I got in from work. Pottering around on her own.

She would bring random people round to see dd2 when she was first born. I hadn't a clue who fucking Julie from down the road was.

DP dad used to come in like creeping Jesus so I wouldn't even know he was there - led to loads of embarrassing moments .

So I took to locking the door and taking ages to open it. If the turned up with out arranging I would be bery busy and no time to chat.

I suggest you do the same

Hissy · 06/04/2015 17:25

Ask for the key back now!
How dare she let herself in.

Namechanged101 · 06/04/2015 17:25

I would be really annoyed op

Joyfulldeathsquad · 06/04/2015 17:29

op I'd be pissed off too. Start licking the door

butter that's why I don't like suprise visitors as I often have no bra on, full of dd2 snot, hair like Worzel Gumage Snd possibley full of flour.

Hate unexpected guests

Joyfulldeathsquad · 06/04/2015 17:30

*locking!! Obviously!!

PeachyPants · 06/04/2015 17:31

I presume that's locking the door Joyfulldeathsquad unless licking it is a very minor form of passive aggression in passing germs on to unwanted guests.

PeachyPants · 06/04/2015 17:32

x posted now I look a twat

Original poster

Imnotbeverley · 06/04/2015 17:37

I haven't done anything about this, was going to talk to DP about having a chat with MIL along the lines of "thank you for bringing Nan over for a visit, could you make sure that next time we have arranged the visit as Beverley was asleep and we weren't ready for you both?"

OP posts:

PeachyPants · 06/04/2015 17:44

That sounds like a good approach OP.

zipzap · 06/04/2015 17:52

If your mil knows you are in the early stages of pg and suffering bad sickness and tiredness then it's not on to turn up unannounced because chances are that you're going to be asleep (and there's a reason you're tired in pg - your body is doing so much and needs that extra rest) or you're going to be in the middle of throwing up or about to or just finished...

If she is coming around to look after your ds whilst you are at work and lets herself in then that's different as you know she is coming and expect her.

If you think you have a nice quiet afternoon to yourself to sleep and try to feel better then it's horrible to be woken up by somebody unknown in your house. And doubly so if she had tried to arrange something but been told no, make plans later. If she had gone to pick up the nan then she could have rung but didn't want to because if you or dh said no then, then she would have to cancel with Nan and I bet she had already told her that it was fine or even that you'd invited her, so that would have made her look bad.

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