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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is this sexual harassment?

74 replies

foreverton · 06/04/2015 08:50

Hi, don't want to give too much away but basically there's a man at my work who is generally lovely, if a little flirty.

He is the type to make lewd comments that get laughed off etc.

I've been on a few shifts with him recently where he's commented on my boobs and touched my bum.

The final straw was him asking me to send him a pic of my boobs, I obviously said no, he is making me very uncomfortable.

We work nights and there are usually only a couple of us in.
I've rang in sick the last two shifts, am also going through a period of severe anxiety unrelated to this.

I'm due in tonight, feel sick at the thought.

I suppose I'm worried about telling somebody and they don't take it seriously.

Btw, were both married with kids, I'm happy, he clearly isn't.

I've heard a lot of colleagues saying he makes them sick/uncomfortable/ he's a perv etc.

What do I do?

Thanks

OP posts:

justonemoretime2p · 06/04/2015 16:07

100% sexual harassment.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/04/2015 16:35

If you're worried about what to say, jot down a simple phrase and just say it to your manager. "I need to talk to you about X's inappropriate behaviour" or "X has been sexually harassing me". Just something short so that you can say it and then the conversation has started. Write down everything you remember with as many times and dates as you can think of while you wait to talk to your manager. And, yes, it's sexual harassment.

Vycount · 06/04/2015 17:12

FFS it's not constructive dismissal. The company don't know there is a problem yet.

Andrewofgg · 06/04/2015 17:18

Wibbly Unless the company is big and financially strong enough to pay substantial compensation that is bad advice. An award of the sort of money which OP is entitled to is no good to her if the company just goes under.

In any case I am not sure if she could do it without having complained first.

OP The answer to your question is Yes of course it is, complain and don't be fobbed off.

TiredButFine · 06/04/2015 17:27

leaping into legal action at this stage will damage your position. What you want from the employer is to be safe and free from harassment at work, which is their duty to provide.
He has behaved badly, in a sexual way. I wouldn't bother with "everyone says he's a perv" your experience alone is strong enough grounds for action plus in my expereince "everyone" either keeps quiet or makes their own complaint. Focus on what happened to you, how it made you feel and that you are uncomfortable working with him now.

blueshoes · 06/04/2015 18:24

Agree with Tired. Don't count on others. Concentrate on your own experience.

You cannot resort to legal redress until you have exhausted all procedures internally. In other words, you need to raise this to management and give them an opportunity to redress it first. You should also exhaust any grievance procedure.

TellyBelly · 06/04/2015 19:30

Give your employer a chance to do something about it first before considering anything like resigning and claiming CD. You never know he may already be on warning. Good Luck, definitely innapropriate behaviour.

maddening · 06/04/2015 19:33

Can you have your phone in your pocket ready to record if he approaches you again - evidence might help speed up their dealing with the case.

wowfudge · 06/04/2015 20:22

Tired is right - tell the manager about your own experience. The subsequent investigation should bring the other incidences of harassment to light.

Good luck OP - you are absolutely doing the right thing in complaining.

bumbleymummy · 06/04/2015 20:26

I agree that this is harassment and you are definitely doing the right thing in reporting him. Good luck!

Theoretician · 06/04/2015 20:36

Before escalating, would it be worth asking him to stop? Not just generally, but giving specifics of what he's not to do. If he's "generally lovely" then he's probably not doing this with the intention of inciting fear and loathing.

EmeraldThief · 06/04/2015 20:42

He doesn't sound lovely to me, he sounds like a dirty little pervert. Can you not get other members of staff to back you up if they know you feel the same?

sorenoggin · 06/04/2015 22:21

I would also just say to him 'to be honest I am finding you a bit creepy, can you knock it off with the stupid comments'...If he then carries on I would report it.

Some idiots think they are just having a laugh and bantering and giving you a compliment. Happened to me once and when I said 'I am finding your comments a bit creepy '..The guy was utterly mortified and very apologetic and said he had never thought for a second it would be making anyone uncomfortable. I would give the guy a chance to redeem himself first before getting managers involved.

textfan · 07/04/2015 04:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrazyCockerel · 07/04/2015 05:42

It depends how strong you are. His behaviour is awful but some men of the older generation have no idea about how to behave around women in the workplace - not an excuse, by the way. But if you generally get on with him and want to keep your job, maybe sit down for a coffee with him and explain in words of one syllable how he makes you feel and why he should not behave in that way. You can say that you don't want to report him and he has one chance to desist from his behaviour - otherwise you will report him.

I was a pracising barrister when this sort of behaviour was unfortuately very common - not necessarily touching, but some of the remarks and attitudes I encountered were unspeakably awful, with hindsight, and from men who were otherwise apparently happily married, respectable etc. But if you can, take control, be tough, and put him back in his box. If you can re-educate him, you are doing other females a favour.

PS I bet he has a very small dick! I am not saying stoop to his level but sometimes payment in kind works very effectively!

sorenoggin · 07/04/2015 09:09

Crazy Cockerell. ..great post and just what I was thinking. ..but then totally ruined by your last sexist/offensive comment..not good :(

Original poster

foreverton · 08/04/2015 20:47

Quick update, I've sent a couple of messages to my manager indicating a problem but not saying what iyswim and asked them to call me, nothing.
Tried again today- nothing.

This afternoon at the shops I bumped into a girl I remember from work, I had only just started then she went off sick.
I ended up starting to tell her (she's also a very good friend of a friend of mine) and guess what, I never even had to say his name, he's done it to her too but not physically touched her, asked for pics of her boobs etc.

She is going to help me speak to Someone in authority, I knew I wasn't the only one:(
Will update once I have any news, thank you all so much xx

OP posts:

textfan · 08/04/2015 23:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCatsFlaps · 09/04/2015 01:35

Constructive dismissal would require you to act fairly swiftly. Remember it must involve a breach which goes to the root of your contract of employment: I would think that if your employer is genuinely unaware, this might be a tough nut to crack. Full and frank disclosure, and raise a grievance now. Whist your employer has a duty of care, you will need to show actual or constructivd knowledge on their part about this cretin's colleague's behavioud.

Original poster

foreverton · 09/04/2015 06:19

Thank you both for replying.
The girl is still off on long term sick, nothing to do with him but is willing to back me up. They were on day shifts and he was moved to nights.
She went off a few months ago whilst I was there but I never saw her as our shifts were completely opposite.

This is a huge ww company were talking about so there will definitely be "higher powers".
Will update later, I'm going to try manager(again) today.

OP posts:

Lilylonglegs · 09/04/2015 06:26

Yes that is harassment. I can feel your worry at not being taken seriously. If you don't want to report him straight away tell him firmly next time, "do not ever touch me again or I will report you for sexual harassment" yes he will try and brush it off or make it like you are blowing things out of proportion but you must say it. The other thing is distance yourself from him. Move away from him when he comes near you and do not laugh at his jokes.

I had a similar situation and the guy would refer to the fact that he was married to make it like I was imagining things. He would also do things very subtly or when people were not looking. In the end HR ended up taking it further, as he was doing some of the stuff around the head of HR. I too didn't want to report him as I felt it wouldn't be taken seriously.

It wasn't taken seriously as he was besties with the boss but he did end up leaving shortly afterwards.

Original poster

foreverton · 09/04/2015 06:41

Lily, that is terrible:(
It's a real worry isn't it? Not being believed.
What are the chances though that he's done this to many people, I just happened to meet one yesterday.
Our workplace has a lot of young girls and I doubt he targets them, me and the other girl ( woman I should say ) are in our thirties.

He seems pretty popular but who knows what people really think of him, I'm pretty new and haven't quite figured everyone out yet.

Think it's poor form for my manager to ignore my messages though, my dad said I need to go there in person, am dreading it.

It's the type of place that anything that is said or happens spreads like wildfire. I don't want to be gossiped about or look like I'm causing trouble.

From my conversation with my colleague, he's already been in trouble before with his dw for being too friendly with females so I'm probably one of many he's done this to. (He was messaging her constantly on social media and a mutual friend told his dw)

It took me so long to build up the courage to ring and text and I will have to do it again:(

Thank you for your helpful reply, I'm glad he's left!

OP posts:

CrazyCockerel · 10/04/2015 03:48

Sore, point taken, there's obviously still a bitter and twisted cell still remaining which makes me angry that this sort of crap persists, despite the legislation, and wants to kick back where it hurts. However, I do think that men who behave like this are often inadequate......

Original poster

foreverton · 10/04/2015 20:13

Got a meeting (finally) tomorrow with manager, I will let you all know how I get on xx

OP posts:

Lorelei353 · 10/04/2015 20:25

Good luck and really well done for persevering this far. It's really tough for you but you're totally in the right. We'll be thinking of you and rooting for you.

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