to be considering going it alone?

[mikado1]

My oh and I have now not spoken more than a few civil words in 3 weeks. He has always found it hard/impossible to speak about hisffeelings and I have just gotten so annoyed with the silent treatment that I have joined him. It all feels very stressful and tense. We have a 3yo and I am pregnant so I am distraught at the thought of the future but also find myself thinking of the realities and practicalities of being on my own. The reason for the first silence is often forgotten but we can't seem to get ourselves back from it..I have tried 3/4 times to speak about it in last few weeks and told him he needs to but I get 'what do you want me to say?' Or'ggive it a rest'. I know he thinks we should make up by having sex and get over it ie not bother talking about it but this type of thing keeps recurring-including the him wanting sex when I have zero interest with someone who won't open up to me. He can get very angry/moody and fly off the handle and I cannot stand this. He promised three months ago he would get help for this but has done nothing. He is extremely defensive of any slight criticism, the equivalent of which I would just apologise for, and I know he thinks I am hyper critical and niggly over ds. I probably have been negative the last few weeks cos I have given up on keeping up chatting and asking questions only to get yes/no/oh responses so am just commenting on things that were supposed to be done that weren't. Know this is lengthy but trying not to dripfeed. Just feel so lonely and uncared for and so terrified for my dc in future. Ds is crazy about his dad.

Silent treatment is bullying. He will start doing it to DC when they get bigger. and you would be great on your own am sure.

Well if you're giving eachother silent treatment, then it's unhealthy for both of you.

It sounds like you would both be happier apart from eachother. And yes you can of course do it.

'defensive of any slight criticism, the equivalent of which I would just apologise for'
But not make amends?
People who go silent have never been listened to. Actually listened to, not pause then you speak your piece. Listened to.

Good luck.

Thanks for responses.

Casimir I don't fully understand your 'but not make amends?' comment? Interesting to see different views on silent treatment. .

I really can't pinpoint what happened three weeks ago-we just hit aa bad patch-he would probably say we hadn't had sex in a week or so while I would say he wasn't engaging with me, showing any interest, but no big definite thing.

Three months ago we were probably going through a similar cycle, but not for as long..

He has told me this afternoon that while he hasn't spoken to me as asked, I haven't listened to him about things that annoy and stresshim-ppicking up things around the house etc..

I don't understand Casimir's comment either. Could you please type that one out again, Casimir? May have just gone a bit typo or something.

Ok so it's an issue with hearing eachother. The question is whether you both want to make your relationship succeed. If you do then get some guidance on how to listen.

Listening sounds easy but actually hearing what's said is something else.

Oh and it's not bullying.

It is bullying.

Have you ever been subject to it? Ignored for days or weeks on end?

It is insidious and bullying and wrong and I WISH this thread was in relationships.

The OP is stressed.

She is tense.

He is angry, moody and flies off the handle.

Yet, she needs to listen to him and think about his ickle wickle feelings?

Ffs. Unreal.

Woowoo I have posted in relationships but no response and this is the board I usually go on (and know people will be very honest!)

Maybe you will get replies on there soon mikado.

I didn't mean that as a slight against you; I just can't belive that pp are defending your OH's treatment of you.

I have been there and believe you me I know how it feels.

I would not have thought of it as bullying per se, but it is certainly very rejecting and after the first few weeks (and years of silence being the reaction to problems) of me trying to keep chatting, enquiring about day etc I feel very defeated. I am the opposite of the silent treatment type-and maybe I need to listen more-but I have given in to it becauseof feeling utterly uncared for.

It is controlling. It dominates the entire atmosphere and interactions in your home.

Have you ever had people round in the middle of a silent treatment period and he is lovely/chatty/happy etc etc, and you think oh great, is over, then the door shuts and he is back to ignoring you? Miserable way to live.

Ask him what he feels could change that would improve your relationship. Then listen to his answers.

If he says he has told you before. "Weren't you listening then? Is what I say not important to you?" Then calmly say that you didn't pick up on how important those things were to him at the time, and now you want to make the difference between a failed relationship and a happy one.

When he says that things not being picked up round the house stresses him out, is he maybe insinuating that you don't do enough housework? (Not suggesting it myself, or suggesting that housework would be your job) He might be struggling with what he really wants to say, but doesn't want to hurt your feelings in his angry state, so silence (even though it cuts as much) is preferable. Kind of a passive kick in the teeth rather than actively expressed feelings.

Tell him how you feel, both of you are important in the relationship. Your wellbeing is just as crucial as his and the dc. There is no point in suffering through, because this type of problem grows and grows.

If you really think you would be happier single, then you can do that too. I know it is a hard road, but only you and your dp can work out whether there is a relationship to save.

Good luck

Not even lovely with me but normal anyway-yes, spent the last four days like that and then returned home to silence again. I agree he probably wasn't listened to growing up and got this same treatment at home himself, seems the only way he knows. ..could counselling really turn that around??

Thanks spodgeses, I admit he does a lot more around the house, although I would consider some of it unnecessary, especially when we both work full time eg tidying every toy in play room each night and being annoyed if I take off my shoes at the end of the day and don't bring them up to the room that night..ditto with bags. So I could make more of an effort there although think he should accept a certain amount of evidence that the house is lived in. We have definite communication problems :(

Sorry splodgeses typo on your name!

So if person A is upset to the point where they cannot communicate with person B and goes silent, they are the bully?

Really there are issues on both sides here but to blame the male is just so very very typical.

For 3 weeks?

What about the angry/moody/flying off the handle stuff?

Saying 'sorry' -an apology, is nice, but it is really just words. Make amends means do a thing to make it right.

drbonnieblossman I think you've (deliberately?) misread the OP. We're not talking about "too upset to discuss" something immediately after an argument. The OP clearly describes her DP refusing to discuss his feelings ever, and manipulatively ignoring her for weeks on end.

Of course there might well be fault on both sides but they can't resolve the issue if he refuses to discuss anything.

Oh I understand, yes I would eg I might say to him 'Did you take in the washing? ' if he was home earlier and had said he would. If he didn't he would just say 'no', whereas I would say 'oh no sorry I will take it in now'. Although tbh just a sorry/any acknowledgement would be great! (Prob not brill example! )

How long have you been together?

10years, married five.