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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dss is a bad influence on my ds

35 replies

Jacobsmum1973 · 04/04/2015 21:50

I am very worried about my ds aged 16. He has always been a bright child and been top of his class when it came to grades and behaviour. We get reports from school every half term and holiday with effort, behaviour and current grades. Now with very little time to go till GCSE I'm worried about whether ds will do as well as expected. He got mostly b's and a couple of c's. This is much lower than the 5 a's 3 a*'s and the 2 b's he got last year. We also get a effort and behaviour scale with 1 being highest and 4 being a cause for concern. My ds got nearly all 1's and 2's for his whole GCSEs course but this report is mainly 2's and 3's.

I have noticed ds attitude has changed. He has started to regularly swear Sad. He has become more rude towards me. I know teenagers can be rude and swear a lot but ds has really changed.

I will probably get flamed but ds in my opinion has changed because of dss.

I have had a difficult relationship with dss sometimes he can be a joy to be around other times he can be very rude and disobedient to me. My dss is always out with friends and I beleive they probably drink.

The reason why I'm posting tonight is because I found alcohol in ds room. This is so out of character for him. I have been teary all night. I know that dss is not to blame for ds behaviour but we have been living for each of for 7 months now (been dating dh 3 years married 1 and a half years) and ds behaviour slowly gotten worse.

Aibu

OP posts:
Original poster
Jacobsmum1973 · 04/04/2015 21:52

Forgot to mention that although my ds results are not bad they are not his full potential. I also except that some things are typical teenage behaviour.

OP posts:
Chillyegg · 04/04/2015 21:55

Erm yabu at 15/16 your child is responsible for his own actions doesn't seem fair to scape goat another child.
Yes friends are influential at that age but the blame cant flatly lie with dss

26Point2Miles · 04/04/2015 21:56

Yabu... This is what sometimes happens.

Original poster
Jacobsmum1973 · 04/04/2015 21:58

I know that at 16 they are responsible for their own actions, but I feel as though ds is trying to fit in around ds and friends.

I'm not trying to scapegoat I already said I'm not blaming dss.

OP posts:
Cantbelievethisishappening · 04/04/2015 22:00

You must be really worried.
It is possible DSS is having an element of influence.... do they spend much time together? What sort of r'ship does DSS have with his parents? That said, who are his friends at school? Is he being bullied or picked on because he achieves at school? It may be worth speaking to the school to see what they think. They may well know who his peer group are.
While I agree that 15/16 year olds should be responsible for their own actions it can be a notoriously tricky age especially for boys.

Chillyegg · 04/04/2015 22:01

"Ds in my opinion has changed because of DSs"

If you believe he is the only reason why ds has changed then that seems like scapegoating.

LBOCS · 04/04/2015 22:02

At your DS's age, it's completely normal to start drinking and acting out. It's also usual for grades to drop dramatically in the mock exams, as they're being marked on the basis of an 'actual' GCSE paper (and will hopefully do the job of kicking them up the bottom in terms of getting some revision done as they get scared into it).

I think your DS's peers are much more likely to be having an influence but equally if he's open to influence then there's no benefit in pointing fingers as to who is doing it. It's your son that is doing it; there will always be people around him who are not behaving as you might hope. You will create a rift if you start blaming your DSS.

Pagwatch · 04/04/2015 22:02

I'm so sorry - it's incredibly tempting too shove a little of the 'blame' elsewhere but your DS makes his own choices.
If he really is , aged 16, unable to know how to behave because he has a challenging SB, then that's probably a bigger problem than falling grades and some alcohol.

You need to figure out how to deal with your ds, how to communicate with him and help him makes sensible choices rather than crying and looking at what might have made him change.
He's a teenager. It's never straightforward.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 04/04/2015 22:05

At your DS's age, it's completely normal to start drinking.........t

It really isn't.

LBOCS · 04/04/2015 22:07

Ok, be tempted to drink and act out. Teenagers have done this for generations; I certainly did and so did most of my peers at that age.

coolaschmoola · 04/04/2015 22:07

I teach 16-19 year olds.... They change. A lot. Very quickly. No matter who they live with. Hormones are strange beasts.

My best student at the beginning of the year now has an attitude, has changed his appearance, doesn't do half as much work etc etc. There is nothing 'wrong' - he's just finding himself. Annoying, difficult, hormonal, but he'll get there. Until then we keep talking.

thenightsky · 04/04/2015 22:08

Is DSS a good bit older than your son?

Original poster
Jacobsmum1973 · 04/04/2015 22:09

I know ds friends they are all high achievers, I will be calling school about the drop in grades.

I don't know about bulling, I have always told ds to tell me/teacher.

Him and stepson don't really talk to each other, they don't have friendship. Dss has friends round here a lot and I think maybe ds wants to try and fit into that group.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jacobsmum1973 · 04/04/2015 22:10

Dss is a few months older.

OP posts:
PtolemysNeedle · 04/04/2015 22:11

YABU. 16 year olds are supposed to do things that are out of character, and it is very unlikely that your dss is the only person your ds has come across that could be a bad influence.

It's very possible that he's not entirely happy with his new step family set up.

Pagwatch · 04/04/2015 22:11

Hang on. Are you attributing your sons behaviour to his SB when they don't even spend time together?

NanaNina · 04/04/2015 22:16

Oh for goodness sake can we be a little more compassionate and stop accusing the OP of scapegoating - she already said she's not blaming dss in spite of the title of the thread, and she certainly doesn't sound like a vindictive SM at all. She sounds level headed and upset about her son. We never stop worrying about our kids no matter how old they are - mine are in their 40s and I still worry about them!

I'm wondering what ds's relationship is like with his step dad now he is actually living with you - have I got that right, that you've only lived together for 7 months? Does your dss live with you and how old is he. How do the 2 boys get on? I think it can be really difficult for a teenage boy to accept that his mother has a new husband/partner especially now you are living together. Does your son have contact with his dad?

There are a lot of issues and I think your post raises more questions than it answers. I think there is a cause for concern as your 16 year old has changed so much and his school work is suffering. Is he eating ok and sleeping - does he have mates and get to socialise with them. Have you talked to him about your worries......sorry to bombard you with Qs but this sounds like a SPing issue that needs sorting. Does your DH show favouritism to his own son as this is often the case in SPing situations.

Is dss more popular than your son as you say he is "always out with friends" and they probably drink and yes I'm sure they do - most 16/17 year olds do, even if it's cans in the park if they can't get served in pubs. Mine certainly did at that age and none of them are big drinkers now.

Teenage years are soooo tricky and it's also a time when they can suffer from depression and anxiety about all sorts of things. They are very vulnerable though do everything to cover that up usually.

I think the very first step is to talk to your son - he might not be very willing to open up to you, but you have to try......

Original poster
Jacobsmum1973 · 04/04/2015 22:17

They do spend time together but that's only when they have too eg holidays and at home. They would not talk to each other outside home or be friends.

I really do beleive that ds may want to be friends with dss group and feels that this is the way. That group are round here a lot of the time and don't really speak to dss when round.

Obviously their May be other negative figures (eg people on tele or celebrities). But real people I would say that although stepson has some bad qualities he has a good side (if dss is the worst person ds ever meets that's a very sheltered life).

OP posts:
coolaschmoola · 04/04/2015 22:21

If it is down to something other than his age then I would suggest that it's the change in his home set up that has directly impacted all aspects of his life, rather than DSS who he isn't friends with.

With all kindness I think deep down you have thought this and are desperately trying to find another reason that isn't such a direct link to you.

Original poster
Jacobsmum1973 · 04/04/2015 22:25

Ds has regular trips to his dad. He goes on holiday with his dad. He does not stay round his dad's because it would not be worth it as they only live 3/4 of a mile away. Ds did have the option but chose not to as he did not feel it was worth the hassle. But overall ds and his dad have a good relationship.

Ds has a good relationship with dh (his stepdad).

Dss has a good relationship with dh however dh does tend sometimes to go soft when ds is clearly in the wrong.

Dss does not live round his mums at all because of his stepdad. That has caused a lot of issues in the past but dss being sixteen now has the choice where to live.

OP posts:
Chillyegg · 04/04/2015 22:30

Hang on the thread title asks AIBU?
My opinion given information from title of thread and initial posts is yes.
I don't think or insinuate she is being vindictive at all, nor do i think it comes across that way. I merely think you cant apportion blame to one individual/situation etc.

Original poster
Jacobsmum1973 · 04/04/2015 22:36

I'm definitely not a vindictive person.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jacobsmum1973 · 04/04/2015 22:47

Bump

OP posts:
Original poster
Jacobsmum1973 · 04/04/2015 23:17

Anyone Smile

OP posts:
wishingchair · 04/04/2015 23:38

I think nananina raises many good points. You've been living together for 7 months and in that time his grades have dropped. I've been in your DS's situation and it is hard adapting your home life, routines and little traditions and rituals and ways of doing things to accommodate someone else - in this case DH and DSS. It's really disruptive and pretty difficult to handle, especially at this hormonal age and with GCSE pressure.

Do you and DS still manage to spend any time together just you and him?

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