To think dss is a bad influence on my ds

[Jacobsmum1973]

I am very worried about my ds aged 16. He has always been a bright child and been top of his class when it came to grades and behaviour. We get reports from school every half term and holiday with effort, behaviour and current grades. Now with very little time to go till GCSE I'm worried about whether ds will do as well as expected. He got mostly b's and a couple of c's. This is much lower than the 5 a's 3 a*'s and the 2 b's he got last year. We also get a effort and behaviour scale with 1 being highest and 4 being a cause for concern. My ds got nearly all 1's and 2's for his whole GCSEs course but this report is mainly 2's and 3's.

I have noticed ds attitude has changed. He has started to regularly swear . He has become more rude towards me. I know teenagers can be rude and swear a lot but ds has really changed.

I will probably get flamed but ds in my opinion has changed because of dss.

I have had a difficult relationship with dss sometimes he can be a joy to be around other times he can be very rude and disobedient to me. My dss is always out with friends and I beleive they probably drink.

The reason why I'm posting tonight is because I found alcohol in ds room. This is so out of character for him. I have been teary all night. I know that dss is not to blame for ds behaviour but we have been living for each of for 7 months now (been dating dh 3 years married 1 and a half years) and ds behaviour slowly gotten worse.

Aibu

So your son doesn't actually have a relationship/ friendship with your partners son yet the partners son is to blame for your sons crappy grades and hidden booze.

Is it just me or are there an excess of step child bashing threads on AIBU at the minute?

Hang on, so your DS and dss hardly spend time together unless they have to and yet it's the stepson's fault that your ds is changing.

Yep that makes sense sounds like you want to just blame your stepson to be honest.

Your son is 16, old enough to make his own decisions on what to do.

Stop blaming the DSS and start with the situation.

You remarried 18 months ago. Move in only 7 months ago. His life is likely an upheaval and he's reacting to that rather than another 16 year-old who he barely interacts with unless "force" to.

Its the SITUATION not the STEPSON.

You say that you aren't scapegoating DSS but you seem to because you should have seen that its the the SITUATION not the STEPSON.

You remarried 18 months ago. Move in only 7 months ago. His life is likely an upheaval and he's reacting to that rather than another 16 year-old who he barely interacts with unless "force" to.

I too think your son's change in his behaviour is related to the change in the situation, rather than just related to your step-son. This must be a period of adjustment for all 4 of you and it sounds like you son is struggling with the changes. I can see how difficult it must be for him, that another boy (more or less the same age) is now living in his house and brings in loads of his friends, and his dad is living there too, whereas before it was presumably just you (OP) and your son. He may well feel that his home has been invaded.

Does your son have a friendship group - it doesn't sound like he does as you think he'd like to get in with the SSs friends. Or maybe he is a very different sort of person - I think it's tricky for teenagers to make new friends, especially if he's trying to break into a well established friendship group.

I still think you need to talk to your son to find out how he's feeling about the new arrangements, and maybe all four of you need to discuss how living in the same house is going for you all, positives and negatives.

Sorry forgot to reply to this thread.

Nana- He does have friends but they are not a group of friends.

I'm not trying to blame dss I think he is generally very nice.

I do think that ds has been through a lot instead.

Sorry posted too quick.

I do think ds has been through a lot but we have taken things slowly.

I think this change is a cocktail of reasons.

I do however think that dss has had an influence on Ds though, but so would his favourite band or footballer so influences are inevitable.

Sorry, I don't really understand what it is that you're asking. I don't mean that unkindly at all, I truly don't know what answers you are looking for.

Your son has had an interesting year, he's probably stressed about his exams and he is hormonally challenged! I sympathise, my DS1 is almost eighteen and the last couple of years have been pretty horrendous TBH, but all pretty much in the spectrum of "normal" teenage behaviour. It's very difficult but you must broach the subject of the alcohol with your son and make it clear that it's unacceptable. I wouldn't worry too much about the dip in grades, as a previous poster has already pointed out that this is very common.

Please try to relax a little bit, your DS will be fine, I'm sure.

YANBU to be worried, it sounds very frustrating that your DS isn't as polite as he used to be and isn;t reaching his full potential.

That said I very much doubt it's all, or even mostly to do with DSS. I'm sure many of his peers drink, swear and don't put as much effort into school as they should. It's probably a combination of a few things (hormones, stress of exams, the new-ish family situation, trying to exert independence etc etc.).

I think you should worry only about the things you can change; is DS stressed? Can you help him if he is? Is he worried about the new family dynamic? Can you reassure him? Is he just lazy and needs pushing a bit? You know your DS best and are best placed to know how to act but I think worrying about DSS's influence is a bit of a red herring because you can't change DSS, but you can influence your DS.

well yes i suppose you could blame dss because of him ds is probably very jealous insecure and needing attention

and he is a teenager

you have my sympathies ive not a clue what you can do about it though