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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To question if this person is REALLY a friend?

33 replies

eskimobiscuits · 04/04/2015 20:17

I have a friend at work- we haven't known each other long (3/4 months) and I have to be honest and say I have been questioning if this person really is a friend or whether they are using me.

I'll give a bit of background: As I said we have known each other about 3/4 months. We hit it off straight away and I have been hopping between thinking I have a true friend and not- I should stress that this person does insist they are my friend and they are there for me. I should also say this person is my boss.

Anyway. Certain events have unfolded in work the past few weeks which has caused a bit of rocky ground. I'll socialise with this person in work and be friendly etc and they keep on insisting "we are friends, don't worry about anything" but it's difficult when they are being friendly towards people and then slagging them off behind their back. Very difficult. Especially when i'm spoken to in the same way as someone who is supposed to be a friend- iyswim? I understand you have to be polite to remain professional but it still causes doubt.

A few weeks ago I was going through a rough patch at home and I opened up to this friend who said they will support me. We are supposed to be friends but they never discuss anything personal, i'm treated exactly the same as people they don't like and they only seem to contact me when it's something that will affect them (like last week I was late for work, couldn't phone in as I was driving and I got a call "to see if I was OK")

Anyway today- this friend was talking to a friend from outside of work and said to her "you have to be careful what you discuss here" looking directly at me. Wtf. Why would I discuss someone elses business- especially when we are talking about someone WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY FUCKING FRIEND.

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 04/04/2015 20:19

She's your boss.
That's it.

msgrinch · 04/04/2015 20:21

I think you're reading to much into it.

monkeysaymoo · 04/04/2015 20:25

She's your boss and is clearly happy to be polite and friendly but that doesn't make her a friend. Think you are way over thinking things.

PeppermintCrayon · 04/04/2015 20:25

Aside from the fact that it's your boss, you sound really intense.

I have a friend at work- we haven't known each other long (3/4 months) and I have to be honest and say I have been questioning if this person really is a friend or whether they are using me.

I have been hopping between thinking I have a true friend and not- I should stress that this person does insist they are my friend and they are there for me

Can you not see how intense this sounds?

Movingonmymind · 04/04/2015 20:26

Boundaries- she is not your friend, she is your boss. Dont expect or try to get close. Also you've only known her for a v short time. Sounds like a bit of a sly one player. Be careful, casual use of the word "friend" does not a friend make. Try to get to make new friends outside of work and keep them completely separate.

PeppermintCrayon · 04/04/2015 20:26

Oh and calling you to check you are ok is hardly just calling when it affects them?

monkeysaymoo · 04/04/2015 20:27

You've only known her 3 months I think your expectations are way too high!

eyebags63 · 04/04/2015 20:27

She isn't your friend, she is your boss and would stab you in the back to save her own skin in the blink of an eye. A true 'Frenemy'

Revenant · 04/04/2015 20:27

First and foremost she is your boss, which is why she is behaving like a boss in terms of never discussing anything personal, not a friend. Remain polite and professional and perhaps think twice before opening up so much in. The future - and definitely remain distant from any slagging off behind backs etc.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 04/04/2015 20:28

this is someone you work with, you hardly know, and is senior to you. Not your best mate. You sound very needy TBH - are you new in the area, do you have proper friends?

LadyGregory · 04/04/2015 20:29

In the nicest possible way, you're being insanely naive, OP. For a start, 3/4 months is barely past the 'nodding acquaintance' stage, so I'd be very dubious about these intense declarations of friendship. For another, there are bosses whose managerial style with subordinates relies entirely on these kinds of protestations of friendship - for all you know he/she performs a version of this with multiple employees to 'keep them sweet'.

From what you say, I'm not sure which of you is being most unprofessional - is it possible you are reading friendship into what s/he means as 'supportive manager'? - but for god's sake stop sharing personal information with your boss. S/he can't be your friend in the way you clearly want, and shouldn't be pretending s/he can - his or her job is to manage you. You seem very confused as to the boss/bosom buddy/confidante distinction.

Also, if this person is ale and yiu are a straight female, are you developing romantic feelings for him?

SolidGoldBrass · 04/04/2015 20:30

If you are late for work then your boss is going to phone you - 'are you OK' is just the polite verson of 'Where the fuck are you, why are you not doing your work?'

I also think you sound a bit needy and should look for friends outside your workplace.

LadyGregory · 04/04/2015 20:31

Typos - 'if this person is male and you are straight and female'.

LIZS · 04/04/2015 20:31

Think you may have been a bit OTT. She is a work colleague, that is what you have in common not friendship more generally . You've only known her a couple of months and she has been odd for several weeks of that period. Maybe you gave made her feel uncomfortable and need to rethink boundaries?

FarFromAnyRoad · 04/04/2015 20:35

In my experience - and I am nearly 300 - friendship formed quickly and with intensity always end badly. This person is not your friend. They're using a particularly poor 'management' technique that shows that they have exactly NO idea how to manage people without protesting love and friendship. I'd bale out if I were you - possibly even to the extent of finding another job.

OTheHugeManatee · 04/04/2015 20:37

Sorry OP, but this is your boss and you sound a bit nuts.

Pagwatch · 04/04/2015 20:37

I would also say that the fact that the two of you seem to have had an awful lot of conversation about your friendship is not the best sign really .

If you two were actually mates you probably wouldn't feel the need to talk about it and certainly would be socialising outside work.

Pagwatch · 04/04/2015 20:39

I'd listen to FarFrom - she is ancient and therefore wise

eyebags63 · 04/04/2015 20:39

Also, is it actually possible to be friends with someone who is your boss? Work issues are always going to spill over into the 'friendship' and vice versa. You need to back right off.

Original poster

eskimobiscuits · 04/04/2015 20:40

I should say that I never approach them. They always approach me for chat/hugs/saying they want to go out etc.

Surely i'm not being unreasonable to be getting mixed messages.

OP posts:

PHANTOMnamechanger · 04/04/2015 20:41

your boss is hugging you ?
that's plain odd not to mention unprofessional.

PtolemysNeedle · 04/04/2015 20:42

Yep, agree with the others. She's not your friend, never was or will be. She is your manipulative boss.

Pagwatch · 04/04/2015 20:42

But... It's not about whether you were getting mixed messages - you asked if you two were friends.
The answer seems to be no.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/04/2015 20:43

Hugs?^

Movingonmymind · 04/04/2015 20:44

Ok but simple fact is they are your boss. Maybe they are unstablr/unprofessional/poor manager but you need to switch your bullshit and role antennae on. Keep your distance a bit more and dont take her unprofessional over-sharing at face value. It's either v v misplaced or a ploy or both.

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