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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a host should be mindful of children, even if they have none of their own?

30 replies

CupidStuntSurvivor · 04/04/2015 19:02

Currently staying with relatives, far from home with no easy option to return home for a few days. The couple are child-free and my 1YO DD is with me.

Most nights, things are ok. We're all fairly casual, always have been, and while staying with each other we never feel the need to constantly be in the same room.

Some nights though the volume of the music is ridiculous. I've put DD to bed as she's really tired but my hosts are in the room beneath the spare room with music on very loud. DD is really struggling to sleep. I've been here nearly 2 weeks and about every third night I feel I have to nag at them to turn it down.

They invited me and DD. We've stayed before babies needing quiet isn't a shock.

Full disclosure...I am fairly noise sensitive so may be more irritated than is rational. But I hate having to choose to either nag my hosts or to let DD struggle.

OP posts:
DamselNotInHerDress · 04/04/2015 19:07

Go home then - 2 weeks is a very long time to be a guest in anyone's house, even if they invited you.
They are possibly hinting (albeit awkwardly) that youve outstayed your welcome!!
Sorry for your dd though, it's a tricky position for you, I'd say I was having an early night and go to bed with dd.

actually I leave the dc to it and go and join my relatives!

msgrinch · 04/04/2015 19:10

Two weeks!!Shock They're probably hinting you've overstayed. I'm sure dd will be ok with a little interrupted sleep. I live in a flat my ds learnt to get on with other people's noise.

Original poster
CupidStuntSurvivor · 04/04/2015 19:12

Our visits are normally about 2-3 weeks long, as are theirs to us. We live a long way from each other so really don't see each other very often despite being close. 2-3 weeks has been the norm to us for many years.

OP posts:
MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 04/04/2015 19:14

If they invited you freely then they should be considerate, as they would be to an elderly guest without being elderly themselves etc.

But guests are like fish and start to go off after 3 days - 2 weeks is far, far too long to stay with anyone purely as a guest.

Original poster
CupidStuntSurvivor · 04/04/2015 19:16

Like I say, we don't do the proper hosting each night thing. We sort of get on with things independently then do certain arranged things together. This particular visit is for me to help one of them out with something that isn't finished yet and my tickets home are booked for Wednesday.

OP posts:
SocialMediaAddict · 04/04/2015 19:21

Two weeks is far too long! Plus if they are such good friends talk to them about the music being too loud.

GuybrushThreepwoodMightyPirate · 04/04/2015 19:23

That does sound pretty annoying, I think they are being insensitive having music loud enough to disturb your DD. Any chance you can use a white noise app to block it out for her? Surely they could be in a different room (unless spare room is above living room or kitchen). Difficult one. Would she sleep in a different room then move her when you go to bed or is her sleep not settled enough for that?

Only1scoop · 04/04/2015 19:23

2 weeks is really long I think.

Pre children I couldn't have stood a house guest with a dc. To be honest is struggle now. Your friend is very accommodating.

Original poster
CupidStuntSurvivor · 04/04/2015 19:32

This isn't a friend, it's a relative. And as I say, 2-3 weeks has been the norm in my family for years because we live so far apart. There are no other 'signs' that we've outstayed our welcome and this visit has a particular usefulness for them...I'm helping them with something they'd pay a fortune for if they hired someone.

It wouldn't be practical really for DD to stay in another room. It's a 3 bed house. 1 room is theirs, 1 is spare, 1 is packed to the rafters currently. There are 2 large open plan rooms downstairs and though they're in one of them, there's an issue with the connecting doors stopping them from closing fully so the whole of downstairs is fairly noisy, possibly explaining my irritation.

On the plus side, I've asked them to turn it down and DD has fallen asleep. I just think that if they'd had a child first and were staying with me, I'd be more considerate.

OP posts:
DidoTheDodo · 04/04/2015 19:33

Well the loud music is probably a bit of a pain, but perhaps with no children perhaps they don't realize the effect it is having?

But after two weeks I would probably have put a rocket under you (or any guest, nothing personal) to persuade you to return home!

Only1scoop · 04/04/2015 19:33

Do shorter trips then it stay in hotel.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 04/04/2015 19:39

It may be the norm without kids where you all do your own thing and pull your weight, and don't expect any special consideration but children change the dynamic - you are now expecting them to change how they live and keep the music down.

I'd stick to the 3 nights rule unless you're doing a long expensive flight...I live about 800 miles from myparents but wouldn't stay 2 weeks, and the time she stayed 2 weeks with me I wanted to murder her...

Original poster
CupidStuntSurvivor · 04/04/2015 19:53

They've hosted others in the family with children many times before DD arrived.

OP posts:
ChipDip · 04/04/2015 19:54

So you've stayed with them before, so the loud music isn't something new to you? I think they could be a bit more considerate but two weeks is a bit too long to 'keep it down'. Just stick it out a few days till Wednesday.

trappedinsuburbia · 04/04/2015 20:10

I would just ask them, make a joke of it, not having dc of their own they probably just dont realise.

Nanny0gg · 04/04/2015 20:15

If they invited the OP and the OP has stayed before (or invited them to hers) why does everyone keep repeating that 2 weeks is too long?

It doesn't matter what works for us, it is normal for them so saying they're trying to get rid of her by playing the music too loudly is not helpful. Read what the OP has said FGS!

CupidStuntSurvivor You'll just have to keep explaining that it's too loud. Eventually they might get the idea.

Aridane · 04/04/2015 20:31

ask them to turn down the music??

DidoTheDodo · 04/04/2015 20:31

Because maybe the hosts did not realize what 2 weeks with a one year old was like when they issued the invitation, and now they are regretting it.

Phineyj · 04/04/2015 20:37

If you are doing them some sort of favour, level with them: 'it's going to be difficult to do a good job landscaping your garden/finishing your accounts/getting your DC through exams if I'm completely knackered and DD is grizzlng all day due to lack of sleep'. Say something. Don't sit upstairs seething!

DrankSangriaInThePark · 04/04/2015 20:48

I think the way being a guest generally works is that you fit in with your hosts......

Welcome to real life OP, where not everyone is going to think the world revolves around your child....

Seriously though, are they very young these rellies? Because I'm struggling to think of any of mine that would be up to keeping me up all night with their raves....

WorraLiberty · 04/04/2015 20:54

2-3 weeks has been the norm to us for many years.

But to be fair, you didn't have a one year old for many years.

I know when I had my PFB, I was worried a spider's fart would wake him up...simply because I needed to relax after having him all day.

Pagwatch · 04/04/2015 21:01

It's different with a child.
If you can grit it out until Wednesday do so
If you can't then speak to them and say 'the loud music is killing me - DD can't sleep. I know it's a pain but just till wed can you keep it down
But make sure you adjust any future arrangements.

It doesn't matter that two to three weeks is the norm and you've always done it like that when it clearly isn't working

Coumarin · 04/04/2015 21:02

guests are like fish and start to go off after 3 days Grin I love this.

I don't have children OP and I don't think yabu at all. No, the world can't stop and it can't start revolving around your child but I think your hosts, turning down loud music, being quieter than usual etc because you have a very young child trying to sleep, isn't an unreasonable thing to expect at all.

I would definitely be super quiet and careful once I knew they were being put to bed. Particularly if it had been pointed out to me.

hotchocforme · 04/04/2015 21:04

They sound inconsiderate to me. Before I had kids I knew that you didn't play loud music at night- it's not rocket science. And you are helping them out.

mariamin · 04/04/2015 21:08

Depends what you mean by loud music. You talking about being sensitive to noise makes me wonder if it really is loud.