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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DM didn't buy my son a gift.

31 replies

justbatteringon · 04/04/2015 16:01

Bit of back story here. This week my sil db and their son my nephew came for a visit. They live quite far away. My mother also lives far away so when db and family come to visit DM usually stays with me and db stays with our other sister and her family.

So on the last day of their visit DM went out and bought all her grandchildren gifts except my 2 dc.
Her excuse was that she had bought for my dc on her last visit, but she had bought them gifts on last visit to make up for not getting them the first time db and family came to visit.
I had no problem with her not getting gifts on original visit because I knew she couldn't affordto I even lent her the money to get dnephew one.
But on this visit I knew she had recently been paid and she had sorted out the money issues she previously had.

When I mentioned to mother that she seemed to have forgotten my DC she gave her excuse of getting them last time and told me "you're just trying to make me feel guilty about it and it's not working"

I wasn't trying to make her feel guilty I was bloody fuming and still am, but I also feel like I'm being a bit petty about the whole thing.
I honestly feel like ringing her and telling her not to come back.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/04/2015 16:04

Did she give the gifts in front of your DC? Because that takes a certain kind of person...

Original poster

justbatteringon · 04/04/2015 16:04

Sorry posted too soon it's also ds birthday tomorrow.

OP posts:

Charlotte3333 · 04/04/2015 16:05

Are you certain she could afford to buy them gifts? Is it possible she's still struggling financially?

I agree that an adult shouldn't buy gifts for one and not the other (unless it's a birthday), but I don't think I'd tell another adult off for it, or take it to heart. Sometimes people do daft things, or are forgetful. I think you have to let it go.

Original poster

justbatteringon · 04/04/2015 16:06

She did they all came to mine for a visit and she handed out their gifts. To add ds is 2 and dd is 8 months so they didn't really understand dnephew is 7 months.

OP posts:

TowerRavenSeven · 04/04/2015 16:12

I'm on the fence here. On one hand, your ds is only 2 so he probably won't realize. But when he gets a little older, yes, he will.

I'm of the opinion if you are going to get one and not the other, don't do it front of the child not receiving. Or get them a very small token gift. I remember being perfectly happy with a package of biscuits when another grandchild got a gift and I didn't.

Chippednailvarnish · 04/04/2015 16:13

I'd call her when she is home and make it clear that her behaviour is unkind and not acceptable. Money can never be an excuse to treat children differently.

Original poster

justbatteringon · 04/04/2015 16:15

Yes I'd of been perfectly happy if she'd of even gotten a rattle or a small cheap car hell I'd of even taken a 10p mix up.
To me it is the thought that counts and she didn't think at all.

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 04/04/2015 16:29

She's free to spend her money however she wishes but that doesn't mean giving one grandchild a present in front of another one isn't a horrible thing to do.

itosh · 04/04/2015 16:32

It sounds pretty controlling of her to me.. I would have something to say as well!

houseofnerds · 04/04/2015 16:44

Riiight. When is she leaving? Are you sure she isn't going to give DS a gift tomorrow, you know, on his actual birthday? Because when they are small enough not to give a damn, I'd be a little pissed if I was expected to fetch up with gifts two days apart, just because the mother was having a juvenile 'it's not fair, db's kids got gifts and mine didn't' strop....

she bought a gift for the newest 7mo family member and you are sulking?

Entitled much?

CalicoBlue · 04/04/2015 16:55

Sounds a bit mean, you can get Easter Eggs for £1. TBH I would not be bothered about a present for 8 month old though.

sanfairyanne · 04/04/2015 17:02

i would be cross too
i hate petty favouritism

LovelyBranches · 04/04/2015 17:06

Yanbu and YANB entitled. Not a nice thing to do at all.

I come from a very poor family and my auntie used to give each of her dgc exactly the same down to the penny even though she saw two all the time and two twice a year. You. Can't treat kids differently.

Xenadog · 04/04/2015 17:13

It's unfair regardless of the reason. Next time your DB comes to visit and your mum wants to stay at yours I'd be billing her for the accommodation - if I was going to allow her to stay at all. Generosity cuts both ways.

Topseyt · 04/04/2015 17:20

I doubt you need to worry too much about the 8 month old. Some two year olds may notice, but might be placated with being given a nice biscuit or piece of choc, or some might not.

I'd probably not say anything just yet, but when everyone has gone home I would quietly say to her that you appreciate that her finances aren't endless, but if she needs to do this again then could she warn you a bit in advance so that you can make sure there is something in and squirrelled away that she can also present to your child (he needn't know she didn't buy it).

I know what you mean though, as I think that parents and grandparents should be even handed towards children and grandchildren.

Original poster

justbatteringon · 04/04/2015 17:45

She left yesterday. She has left nothing for ds's birthday. I'm not sulking that she bought the newest member she also bought her 2 other granddaughters.
If DM had taken me aside and said she was sorry but she'd get my 2 next time i wouldn't be so upset.

OP posts:

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 04/04/2015 17:50

To sit in a room with 5 children and give 3 of them presents and not the other 2 is horrible. OK so lots of them are pretty young now but I'm not sure that's the point.

I think she sounds mean. I mean not tight but mean like a bit nasty. Has she got form for this sort of thing or was it a one-off?

The "you are trying to make me feel guilty and it's not going to work" line is bad news IMO.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 04/04/2015 17:55

I don't blame you for being upset op. My own mum did this with my sisters' children, one sister had more money than the others so she bought the poorer sister's children gifts and nothing for the others, not even a token present. She was trying to do the right thing but now the children bought for are entitled and rude to her, and the others polite and kind.

I think you have to say something now to your mum, because if she does it when your children are old enough to notice and hurts their feelings you will be much angrier than you are now. It will be hard but if you emphasise she must treat everyone equally and you are willing to even go as far as buy your own gifts for her to give your kids, she will hopefully realise how much you value her treating all her grandchildren equally, and accept how important it is.

sanfairyanne · 04/04/2015 18:52

has she always played favourites? what do your brother and sister think of her behaviour?
i would be very hurt and cross

imjustahead · 04/04/2015 18:58

did she do this gift giving in your home too op, the home where she was staying?

yanbu op, in any case. It's the thought that counts, and there was no thought.

Chippednailvarnish · 04/04/2015 19:30

That's terrible, I couldn't not say something.

MagicMojito · 04/04/2015 20:04

Yabu, sorry but your mum sounds like a bit of a horror

It's just not on is it really? You don't give out presents to the majority of the kids in the room but leave 2 out. Either give the gifts away from the children not receiving or be nice and give all grandchildren equal presents. Your two year old is just on the cusp of being aware of these things. DD1 is 3 and she would definitely know and feel hurt and left out. Not on.

MagicMojito · 04/04/2015 20:05

Bugger, yaNbu.

ChipDip · 04/04/2015 20:06

Yanbu, regardless of whether she had given your Dc gifts previously how can you hand out gift in front of kids and leave some out? That's just not ok at all. Yes mention this to her, this type of behaviour needs addressing.

DixieNormas · 04/04/2015 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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