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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say something?

74 replies

Joolsy · 04/04/2015 12:01

DD's 6th bday party was 2 wks ago. One of her friends turned up with her mum & her mum said "sorry we haven't got round to getting her anything, will sort something out for her next weekend". Same excuse she gave at DD's 5th bday party & no present appeared for that either. Today they are both going to a twins' bday party & I'm sure she wouldn't have the nerve to turn up with no present for either bday girl, so I'm tempted to take her to one side and make a (grown up of course!) comment about the lack of presents for my DD that she'd promised. Once I could forgive but twice & I feel she's taking the p*ss. AIBU?

OP posts:

msgrinch · 04/04/2015 14:47

Oh tanith! My ds would have adored the playdoh and I would have thought how nice and different it was. I'm sorry she was such a bitch to you. We all have those times when money is tight.

Ledkr · 04/04/2015 14:57

tanith my sister always does homemade gifts and has done little play dough kits before too (think, make a gruffalo or an Olaf) rather than make me think she's tight I feel inadequate at not being clever enough to do something similar.

WicksEnd · 04/04/2015 15:07

Well I wouldn't chase her up for it, but I can't stand it when people make false promises to kids. I also hate it when kids get to an age and feel they have to explain away on their parents behalf, my DC's know to say the right thing but dumping your kid at a party without a gift and leaving them to explain it away is just horrible.

Yes, attending the party is the main thing but don't leave me a mortified kid who realises he's the only one who hasn't brought something, for me to console and explain how it doesn't matter. This has happened several times, and it's not the parents who can't afford it, it's the ones who can't be arsed and are happy to get the kids out from under their hair for a few hours IME

If she can afford it then it's polite to bring a gift. I wouldn't go to anybody's house empty handed.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 04/04/2015 15:09

And if she can't afford it?

facedontfit · 04/04/2015 15:56

I think it very rude for the mother, two years running, to promise a gift and not deliver. She sounds rude and entitled. If she is hard up she could re-gift or head to Poundland and get a perfectly acceptable gift. IMHO part of the party experience, for the giver and recipient, is the presents.

I wonder how people would feel if they went to all the effort and expense stress of a birthday party and no one bothered to show up with a gift. If it's OK for one person to do it would it be OK for everyone?

manchestermummy · 04/04/2015 16:03

Surely though the child might have mentioned to the parent that they might need to get the birthday child a present? I know mine chivvy me on!

On of dd's friend's mum was really very poorly when it came to her party and hadn't managed to get anything. I was just pleased the little girl came tbh. With what that family was going through at that time, it was just nice to see her dc having fun!

DarkHeart · 04/04/2015 16:25

YABVU-please don't take her to one side. I have had times when I have been v v skint but others would have thought I had plenty of money. You can't know her situation.

waithorse · 04/04/2015 16:32

Someone who came to my wedding did something similar. She said she had a card for me but she had forgotten it, I told her not to worry about it, she insisted she would pop it through my door the next day, because she had bought me vouchers she wanted me to have. Anyway,that was a few years ago and she never did. I would have rather have walked over hot coals than have asked her why she didn't give me the card. So embarrassing. YABU. Maybe she didn't get your dd a gift, does it matter ? You don't invite people in order to receive presents.

Box5883284322679964228 · 04/04/2015 16:36

I like home made gifts too

maliaki · 04/04/2015 18:30

YABU to chase up gifts.

YANBU to not believe her in the future if she has form for making false promises.

I like homemade gifts, that mother who went around badmouthing because she didn't get a big gift was a nasty piece of work.

Lweji · 04/04/2015 19:05

I wonder how people would feel if they went to all the effort and expense stress of a birthday party and no one bothered to show up with a gift.

Personally, I'd be happy to tell everyone (maybe apart from close family) not to bother with presents, as we end up with a few unwanted things or pure tat.
I only don't say it because I think DS would be sad not to get any presents from friends. and it would be rude to tell people the truth

NotOnMyWatchOhNo · 04/04/2015 19:08

If I can't be arsed to buy a present I put £10 in the card.
I think because she said she was getting a present TWICE! Then she is being tight.

jelliebelly · 04/04/2015 19:08

YABU - let it drop otherwise you risk sounding grabby and entitled. There is no law that says you have to buy presents.

Redwineplease42 · 04/04/2015 19:08

Let it go . DD has had many parties with many children not bringing gifts its not the end of the world. Parties aren't for extra presents its a celebration!
I kind of know how you feel my sister gives me lists for her DC's bday , christmas even Easter yet when it comes to my DD she "forgets" . This year her wishlist cost me £90 I'm a single mum on minimum wage she asked me what DD wanted I showed her a top from topshop that was £12 said if that wasn't available anything from topshop even socks would please her. She got her a bottle of poundland bubble bath which i wouldn't mind if a) she wasn't demanding expensive gifts b) was hard up(shes loaded) c) thats what DD wanted. Really pissed me off so she can shove her list where the sun don't shine in future not that I'm bitter about it

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 04/04/2015 19:14

Tbh. There is no mature way to say to another adult. Where's my child's present!.
She'll either laugh behind your back at you for lowering yourself and think you're desperate.
Think you're loopy for going on about it. Like your obsessed!
On a serious note. If you came over to me prattling on about and demanding a present. Not only think you were demented I'd also regard your behaviour as threatening and intimidating

OwlinaTree · 04/04/2015 19:20

I wouldn't say anything, but I wouldn't buy a present for them at their party, I'd say, oh didn't think we were doing presents anymore if the mum said anything.

You don't give to receive, but equally you get out of life what you put in, and that goes for present giving effort too!

MargotLovedTom · 04/04/2015 19:24

I wouldn't say anything to her but I'd regard her as a piss taker. She's happy to take up the invitations for her kid but not thoughtful enough to show appreciation with a token gift.

And who cares if it's petty - I'd probably simply give a card to her dc if my child was invited to any party of theirs.

MargotLovedTom · 04/04/2015 19:27

"Threatening and intimidating" - unless the OP was rubbing her knuckledusters in a menacing fashion I think that's a slight over reaction.

UAprilFool · 04/04/2015 19:28

I think the Mum was probably being flakey and I wouldn't have liked her saying she will get a present later - that's tacky and cheap behaviour.

I get that some parents may not be able to afford a present but most people could get,some sweets or at least make something. The fact the mum had done it before says it all.

However, you can't say anything to the Mum

Elmersnewfriend · 04/04/2015 19:33

This has just reminded me that exactly the same happened at my son's birthday party. I'd forgotten as he got 25 other presents and had a fab time.

Actually it's really similar as everyone thinks this little girl's mum is loaded. Except I know she isn't, has defaulted on mortgage payments, is working every hour she can etc. So funnily enough I haven't and don't intend to - my son couldn't give a crap so why would I?

waithorse · 04/04/2015 20:05

Did you decide to say anything in the end op ?

facedontfit · 04/04/2015 20:16

Completely agree Lweji, presents are usually complete tat but birthday child loves them! It's the unwrapping rather than what's inside.

I only don't say it because I think DS would be sad not to get any presents from friends. My point exactly!

Adarajames · 05/04/2015 00:55

Gifts are called hat because they are, you know, gifts! Otherwise thus be called something different, like 'obligations' or 'expectations'!?!

Redwine - why on earth are you buying gifts you can't afford jut because she asks you too! Tell her where to go for goodness sake!

pollykinesis · 05/04/2015 06:01

I'm sure your daughter got loads of lovely things for her birthday. Use this as an opportunity to teach your daughter about reading between the lines (as in, there's no present coming from this lady) in a 6year old friendly way. Any maybe have a look at yourself here, why would you purposely humiliate someone?

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